How My Colonists Died in Rimworld, Ranked From Least To Most Depressing

Illustration for article titled How My Colonists Died in Rimworld, Ranked From Least To Most Depressing

1. Everyone is in the workshop, everyone has a project. The food is coming in nicely — our next winter shouldn’t be a problem. I imagine that this small colony is buzzing with energy. There are hardships and disagreements, sure, but this will be okay. I can see a solid arc of survival ahead of us.


No one dies in this colony. I get bored. I leave them in that moment, making clothes and planting seeds, in the sunlight, forever.

2. It’s another in a long line of raids. This one is hard on us—we haven’t prepared anywhere enough for a raid of this size. We have no turrets and no traps, no armor, not enough guns. And they have grenades.

Four out of six colonists are in bed with serious injuries, including our doctor. Infection ravages us all. The first two to go are new recruits, mourned but not missed too intensely. The next to go is The Beauty, married to a man whose personality quirks means he misses her, but isn’t too fussed about it. But next is our doctor, and this breaks her husband. He beats the Beauty’s husband to death in the common area. I make a permanent save and start over.

3. I’m digging into a mountain and the ceiling collapses, killing a miner named Earth. Her dog snaps, turning into a manhunter, and I load a previous save. I don’t want to see things end like this, this time. I know winter will be hard, but I want to at least make it there.

By the time winter has ended, we have eaten both of Earth’s dogs.



Fucked up run: I had a colony of cannibals. Non cannibal joins the colony. He found love with one of the other cannibals without getting his heart chewed up. He was still forced to eat human meat.

Non cannibal’s sister lands on the planet, but we take her prisoner instead. I made the fucked up decision to make her into something no longer human. First, I removed her nose and jaw and decided to sell them. Next, I harvest both of her eyes and a kidney. I also gave her two peg legs and two hook arms. I let her out and she was still able to cook and move around.

I jailed her again and took both peg legs off. Took her right lung. Everyday, her brother had to come into that cold, dark, stone cave and force feed her (mind you she has no jaw). He was not a fan. She was a limbless meatbag just sitting there unable to die. Her quote was “they’re breaking me down like an old engine.”

She dies from a fire and we chopped her up. Her non cannibal brother was forced to eat her. Eventually the brother’s wife died. He killed everyone with molotovs and burned the whole map and himself into dust.

Good times.