Last week the world was shaken by the startling revelation that everyone’s favourite former plumber has nipples. We should have seen this coming, really. Despite some debate, we’ve been told in no uncertain terms that Mario is a human. And the standard configuration of a human includes two nipples. But this revelation raises more questions.
This story originally appeared on Kotaku Australia.
Did a committee have to discuss the size of Mario’s areolae? Does Mario have to deal with chafing? Does this mean Waluigi has nipples too? When do I get to see them?
I don’t have any answers (though I like to think Mario uses NipGuards). What I do have is a collection of some of the most prominent, memorable and strange nipples in video games. So without further ado, here are some characters I can confirm have at least one (1) nipple, listed in ascending order of verified nipple count:
Given the prominence of nipples throughout video game history, why are we, as a society, so obsessed with these small, circular, newly Nintendo-official areas of skin? Perhaps Mario’s nipples captured the public’s imagination so quickly because so many characters do not appear to have them. In case you need to cleanse your palate of tiny flesh nubs, here is a list of some video game characters I discovered are devoid of nipples in my tumble down the rabbit hole of areola:
- Link (Breath of the Wild)
- Chaos Witch Quelaag (Dark Souls)
- Everybody in Persona 5
- Everybody in Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015
- Everybody in Pokemon Sun and Moon (UPDATE: CORRECTION)
- Bowser (this will not stop fanartists from giving them to him anyway)