Getting Fultoned In Metal Gear Online Might Be Worse Than Getting Teabagged

And now to broadcast a moment of utter embarrassment for me in front of thousands of people.

After spending many hours trying to get Metal Gear Online to work yesterday, I was finally able to find an actual match this morning. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t at all prepared for how hardcore Metal Gear Online is. In short, I got slaughtered, and it wasn’t pretty. Metal Gear Online doesn’t seem like the sort of game you can just waltz into and have a good time; you have to learn how use all those stealth mechanics from the main game and actually use them against real people. That’s hard!


So here’s what happened. I hopped into a “Bounty Hunter” match, which seemed pretty straightforward...

My first round was pretty rough. I got some kills, but I couldn’t grok how I was supposed to be playing the game. My second round, however, was worse—I accidentally picked my tranq gun loadout. Now, I’m sure there are Metal Gear Online players who kick ass with that loadout. But it’s definitely not something most newbies will want to start out with. Fresh meat like me will probably be better equipped with a normal gun that can kill an enemy right away.

It wasn’t enough that I was floundering with this weapon. Eventually, THIS happened:

Yes, I know that fultoning is not only built into the game, it’s somewhat expected to happen. The rules outright say that you get rewarded for doing it in this mode. Still, though. It felt pretty shitty to experience—especially given the lead-up to it. I was just sort of...unconscious on the ground, helpless. I would have rather just been killed. Hell, even teabagging would have been easier to swallow. It doesn’t help that successfully fultoning someone is kind of hard to do, at least in this mode. Usually, enemies get killed instantly when out in the open, and even if you manage to attach a balloon to someone, there’s a good chance a team mate will just pop it or kill the dangling soldier before they can be extracted. This of course didn’t happen to me. I got fultoned right away, and I doubt doing so was particularly difficult for the player who knocked me out and kidnapped me with a god damn balloon. Video games, especially multiplayer ones, can be so frustrating when you’re just starting out!


smh. I feel nothing but disappointment right now.

Welp. Nothin’ I can do except get right back in there and try to get good, as they say. I can tell it’ll be a somewhat torturous journey. I’ll brave it anyway: that’s just how much I want to take ridiculous selfies with squid hats in this game.


The funny thing is...I’m sure it feels awesome to actually land a fulton. Heh.

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