When Sony announced PlayStation Vita Pets last August, I was sure a talking puppy video game was all I ever wanted. Now that I've got my paws on the game, I'm more disturbed than charmed.

The game begins with an important decision. There are four dog breeds for the player to choose from — Dalmatian, Labrador Retriever, Siberian Husky and Australian Shepherd. It's here we get our first taste of dog speech. It's somewhat unnerving.

I apologize for the angle of these videos, but my Vita steadfastly refuses to spontaneously sprout a video out.


Awww, they think they're people. And talk like people. And throw other dogs under the bus like people.

This decision was tough, but not in an "they're all so cute I can't decide" sort of way, but rather a "which one is the least threatening" sort of way. In the end, I went for the Dalmatian, because her voice is cute and she called me pretty. Judging by my second video, that may have been a mistake.

You might want to turn the volume down on this if you're at work/in public.

My wife was in the kitchen adjoining my office when this sequence began, and the look she gave me as the room filled with puppy squeaks and moans was priceless. I'm just glad I wasn't playing this near any adult humans who weren't accustomed to strange sounds coming from my room.


I'll continue playing, eventually, but I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure we'll have wonderful adventures together, me and my yappy little pup — I'm just worried about the downtime.


I'm not sure I'm ready for this level of intimacy.

UPDATE: And then I continued. Why did I continue?

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