Could Bloodrayne III: The Third Reich be Uwe Boll's masterpiece?

Vampire Hitler attacks Rayne, the sexy young half-vampire heroine, in a crazy-pants dream sequence from Bloodrayne: The Third Reich. Yes, Uwe Boll's World War II epic is out on DVD, and it's chock full of crazy.

Although to be fair, I'm not sure there's anything in this movie that's quite on the level of the original Bloodrayne, which featured Meat Loaf as a Marquis de Sade-style libertine vampire. But it does come close. Of course, Boll also hedged his bets by filming Blubberella, the offensively titled "plus-sized superhero" movie, at the same time as Bloodrayne III.

In any case, Bloodrayne III definitely tries to push your buttons — it starts out with long scenes of Jews being herded into trains, headed for the Concentration Camps. Yes, the guy who brought us In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is tackling the Holocaust. There's a long and portentous opening soliloquy about monsters and evil, which ends with Rayne saying, "Fucking Nazis." And then a fight scene, in which she fights a ton of Nazis until she gets to the Commandant. He says: "And who shall I say has the honor of besting me today?" She replies: "Honor? The last thing this is about is honor." Then she kills him but accidentally turns him into a super-vampire, because she's clumsy.


We soon meet a ton of other Nazis, all of whom have weirdly fake German accents — I thought Boll was German?

Most amazingly, Ron Howard's baby brother Clint plays Mengele, who's scheming to use Rayne's blood to turn Hitler into an immortal super-vampire. Why, Balok, why? At one point, Mengele says, "The times, they are a-changin'." Yes, Mengele is quoting Bob Dylan. In 1944. Head exploding.

Here's an amazing scene in which Clint Howard drains Rayne's blood, and talks about how he's going to turn Hitler into super-Hitler. And then a Nazi vampire bites Rayne's armpit. Because he's the special armpit-biting kind of vampire:

That's not all. Rayne is kinda dating the head of the Resistance — the leader of the whole shindig, which consists of a handful of people, including a hot blonde chick who's the best cipher-breaker in the world. He's constantly lecturing her about teamwork, while she lectures him about fighting the undead. At one point, Rayne tells her Resistance friends that killing the undead will get "seriously fucking complicated." "Good," their leader replies, "I was sick of just killing Nazis." (Really? You were? I thought the Resistance kinda liked killing Nazis.)


Later, Rayne and the resistance leader are imprisoned by the Nazis, on their way to meet Hitler and power him up. They're in the back of a truck, but neither of them is tied up. For some reason, the only thing either of them can think of to do is to have hot softcore-porn sex in the back of the Nazi truck — instead of, I don't know, trying to escape or something.

But quite possibly the best scene is the one where Rayne is in her favorite brothel, getting her daily lesbian nude massage to work out the stress of fighting Nazis and turning them into super-vampires. She's all happy and relaxed, when she hears a scream and goes to investigate. This leads to Rayne teaching the Nazi scum about feminism. Clip is possibly NSFW due to a brief glimpse of breasts, plus ludicrous sound effects:

After the above clip, the scene goes on, with Rayne leading the poor abused woman to safety, but not offering her any clothing, so we can ogle her breasts for about two minutes. That way, we can feel good about how feminist we are, and stare at some boobies at the same time. Everybody wins!

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"Here's an amazing scene in which Clint Howard drains Rayne's blood, and talks about how he's going to turn Hitler into super-Hitler."