Assasins Creed FIVE: Great LOL Sounds Like an Amazing Game

Illustration for article titled Assasins Creed FIVE: Great LOL Sounds Like an Amazing Game

"Connor goes to revolutionary France, but doesn't take part in the revolution, just wanders the countryside + eats cheese and wine."


Not much needs to be said here. This is a parody of leaks, Assassin's Creed, and, well, the game industry as a whole. A redditor named koobaxion came up with it, and it's brilliant. Have a read:

So I was flying on a plane recently from Sydney to LA (and of course I was playing the best AC game, Altair's Chronicles on my Windows Phone), when a fine gentleman took notice of my MLG assassinating and asked me "Hey bruh, you wanna see the new Assassins game?".

Thinking back to that one time someone saw a leak of a game on a plane once, and remembering that I too was on a plane, my choice was clear. After meeting up with this strange character in the plane's bathroom, he showed me a trailer for the new AC game. Here's some info I was able to discern. PICTURE I TOOK OF THE E3 SLIDE FOR PROOF

  • Will be called Assassins Creed: Great Lol
  • The new modern day protag is Darby Darbingson, Best Buy employee (Best Buy being the modern day assassin order).
  • There's modern day sequences featuring lightaber wrist blades, wrist mounted rocket launchers (stealthy)
  • Modern day sequences involve collecting posters
  • All the face buttons on the controller flip your hood up or down
  • all the other controller buttons do as well, you control the rest of the game with kinect/wii controllers/PSmove/shouting loudly
  • New animus 5.0 is powered by mountain dew, doritos
  • Game takes place across the whole world/multiple time periods, even world war 1/2/3
  • New AnvilNextNext engine allows crowds of 7 billion+ people
  • Monteriggioni is placed in the great inagua, all villa upgrades are micropayments/DLC
  • Mountain Dew/Doritos confirmed to be Pieces of Eden in AC5. Yes, all of them.
  • Connor goes to revolutionary France, but doesn't take part in the revolution, just wanders the countryside + eats cheese and wine
  • You can wield up to 8 guns, 7 swords at once.
  • Throwing money in-game requires you to actually buy coins to throw via micro transactions, in what Ubi is calling "something we're sure people will actually pay for lmao"
  • The clue from Freedom Cry was the word "Free", which this game will not be.
  • Community events expanded from AC4, now include events such as bird watching, coupon hunting, interesting rocks that you gotta see
  • $2.99 launch DLC allows you to hug daVinci multiple times in a row.
  • New TWCB characters include "Jim", that one precursor who still hangs out in the high school parking lot even though he graduated 2 years ago, and smells like weed all the time. I mean, he probably would be that guy, if demigod races had highschools, parking lots, or weed. Also, Mittens (just a cat).
  • iOS/Android companion app that shows minimap, yells back at your mom when she tells you to take out the trash (available for tablets on launch, coming for phones sometime around the heat death of the universe)
  • Will be seeing companion media releases including spinoff games, apps, clothing, board games, tabletop RPG, watches, flamethrowers, interpretive dance performances, ARGs, cryptic whispers in the wee hours of the morning, faded memories of childhood friends, soul searching questions you ask yourself in the dead silence of the winter when you know that you are the only one who will ever answer them, also possibly a comic book
  • AC Initiates integration includes controversial new "Real Life" missions that will test whether you are prepared to kill actual people to prove your dedication to Ubisoft.

New AC game leak????? [Reddit]

Questions? Comments? Contact the author of this post at andras-AT-kotaku-DOT-com.



...guess you had to be there..