Hello all, you concupiscent lemmings of joy. Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that helps you grind your charisma stat way past the level cap.
Most weeks, we focus on readersā own problems, but what if their problems are external? How do you handle a situation where youāre a bystander to someone elseās drama? How can you be a supportive partner when your snuggle-bunnyās chronic condition is starting to affect you, too?
Itās time to be the GM for someone elseās relationship campaign. Letās do this.
Good day Doc,
I have been following your column on Kotaku for a while now and though I find it very interesting and informative, I really never thought I would need to write for advice.
Now, however, Iāve found myself in a weird situation that I really donāt know how to tackle. And, to be honest, I donāt know either who to talk with because of the implications of how it may sound. So, I think I need your assistance with this.
I work on a small office and Iāve been there for a little while now (4+ years). The group of people in there has been mostly the same during those years, except the usual ins and outs every once in awhile. Since itās a small office and thereās not a lot of variation on the people in there, you basically get to know each other quite a lot with your daily interactions with them… or at least you would think that what they show is who they are.
Anyway, the thing is that a co-worker and I noticed the odd behavior of one of our colleagues, a 30 year old man that recently got married (2 years) and had a child (8 months). He always likes to be the center of attention of the office, he talks loud so that everybody can hear him, inserts himself into conversations, and laughs and makes jokes about almost everything to try to connect with everyone. It doesnāt help either that he is known to be the āgo to guyā for the boss, so he has this āsuperiorityā complex over the other people in the office, especially over the new ones.
We recently realized that every time a new girl arrived to our office, he would start working on getting her attention. This would range from simple favors or just sitting on her desk and talking to them about whatever topic until he finds something in common. Obviously, that doesnāt work with some girls, but a couple of months ago it worked with one of them. He started talking to her several times a day, they would go out to buy something from the store and then finally started to go out to lunch together.
This wasnāt so bad, but we realized that they would start arriving to the office together and then leaving together. They would disappear for a couple of hours without saying anything. Based on several awkward encounters that my friend and I had with them, it got very clear that he was having a sexual relationship with her, even though he is married with a recent child and she was 21.
That situation started to bother me, not because jealousy or something (I have my partner and am very happy with her) but because of the indecency of him, cheating on his wife when they recently had a child. Itās even stranger how he never talks about them at work. Anyway, my friend told me that I shouldnāt care, that the girl knew what was going on and if she didnāt do anything to end things, itās because she was ok with it.
I somehow accepted that, but the problem raised again now because that girl left the office a month ago and now, a new girl arrived. She sits near me and we talk somewhat regularly. Sheās a nice girl, very kind but a little innocent because she is 22 and this is her first formal job.
The guy in question has started now to make clear moves toward this new girl and I cannot help to feel anger and frustration because I donāt know what to do or how to act. I understand that even on this letter I may sound paranoid because I donāt have hard/tangible proof of what Iām saying, but I know for sure whatās going on and I donāt want it to keep happening.
I also know that if I just tell her about him, she may think Iām being crazy, and may even get her closer to him. So thatās the very question, what should I do? Or maybe, should I do/say something in the first place?
Sorry for any errors, English isnāt my first language.
Office Drama Bomb
Can I ask you something, ODB? Whatās bothering you more: the fact that this guyās having affairs, or the fact that heās so very visible, so very social and gets so much attention? Because, Iām not gonna lie here: you sound a little jealous
I mean, his biggest sins here seem to be that heās a bit of a loudmouth and the boss likes him. Which, hey, that Vince-Vaughn-in-Swingers sort of personality is going to grate on people, and sometimes the reason why is because we kinda wish we could be more like that. And that weird combination of envy and personality mismatch can color our perceptions of people and make us more likely to assume more ill intent than actually exists.
But hey, I could be entirely wrong. Youāre the guy whoās been working with him, not me. So letās focus on the facts.
And one of those facts is: you donāt know what this guyās story is. You donāt know what his relationship is like with his wife. He could be a cheating piece of shit, or he could be in an open relationship. You simply donāt know.
And while itās admirable that youāre feeling protective of these womenā¦ theyāre grown-ass adults, my dude. 21 and 22 year old women arenāt babes in the woods, lost lambs whoāre being preyed on by the big bad wolf. These women have agency and are quite capable of making their own decisions, up to and including banging a smooth-talking married co-worker. Your coworker may ooze charm when he wants, but heās hardly Svengali, and theyāre not being mind-controlled or coerced.
And to be clear: you donāt know the circumstances of their relationship with him either. For all you know, theyāre perfectly fine being the piece on the side because all they want is some no-strings, naughty fun with a guy they know isnāt going to be angling for a relationship.
Everyone makes choices. We may not like the choices other people makeā¦ but thatās their prerogative.
To be perfectly blunt, ODB, thereās not really much here. I mean, yeah, itās obnoxious that theyāre running off for nooners and not workingā¦ but if their behavior isnāt disrupting your workflow, thatās between them and their manager. And unless theyāre coming to you to tell you that this guyās harassing them or making them uncomfortable, then really, the nature of their relationship is their business, not yours.
So sure, if you feel the need, let your new co-worker know that this guyās a player. But otherwise, just let it go. Theyāre all consenting adults. Unless and until this is directly affecting you and your work, let them run their lives as they see fit. This really isnāt your drama to deal with.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half. Weāve lived together that entire time.
A few months ago, her clinical depression made a resounding comeback. She has had several bouts with it, it comes and goes, as it were. This time she decided to go to the doctor for it instead of self-treating (exercise, healthy diet), which was no longer working. In that time, sheās switched medications twice, to varying degrees of success. But, Iād say sheās losing the fight right now.
Now, Iāll say that one of the biggest reasons I initially became attracted to her was because she was this light. She was an ambitious artist and an independent woman with her own life, her own goals, which was in contrast to my previous relationship. But now, because of this depression, it takes everything she has just to get up and go to work. She has no ambition, she isnāt happy, and sheās become co-dependent on me for her own happiness. We both work early mornings, and after her shift sheās pretty much in lazy pants watching The Office until bedtime. And I find myself staying late at work to avoid that until as late as possible. I have ambitions, I have goals, and if I go home I know Iāll be relegated to couch-duty for the rest of the night. If I go into the office to try and get some work done, I get a guilt trip that I donāt spend enough time with her, or if I āarrangeā productivity time in our schedule, I get the pseudo-guilt trip where sheās clearly just waiting for me to be finished.
I hate it. She used to have her own life and depression has taken it from her.
The other side of it, is the medication has completely zapped her sex drive. Our sex life has never been stellar, except maybe in the beginning, but now itās non-existent. We havenāt had sex in three months, and not just no sex, no anything. No messing around, no make out sessions, we barely touch at all anymore. I drop hints, try to get her in the mood, but its fruitless. The hormones simply are not there anymore. Iām not at the point yet of giving an ultimatum – Iām trying my best to be understanding – and it seems wrong to demand āme or the medicationā but here we are. Masturbation is also a sore subject in our house, so I have to do that in secret too. I. Am. Thirsty. Weāve talked about it some but I know it isnāt easy for her so Iām not pushing it.
Basically, Iām doing everything I know to do to make her life better. I sacrifice some of my happiness for her but it doesnāt seem to make a difference. I love her and I want to help her, but lately I feel like I canāt, and sheās starting to drag me down with her. I donāt know what to do.
Didnāt Ask For This
Iām glad you brought this up to me, DAFT, because Iāve been there. More specifically: Iāve been in your girlfriendās shoes. I suffer from chronic depression. Itās more or less under control now, but when I was in college, shit was especially bad. Life was justā¦ there. I had no motivation, no energy and, frankly, most of my attention was focused around the fact that I hated myself because of it. Thereās nothing quite like knowing that youāre depressed, despite having no real āreasonā for it. So instead, I spent my time focused on all my flaws and the reasons why I was a piece of shit for existing. Needless to say, I was kind of miserable to be around and I wore through the patience of my friends very quickly.
Fortunately, I went on Zoloft, which helped deal with a lot of the issuesā¦ but it introduced new ones. I spent a couple years walking around in a fog, to the point that I literally donāt remember major chunks of my junior year in college. And, notably, it killed my sex-drive deader than disco. You couldāve dipped Laetitia Casta in caramel sauce and dropped her in front of me and I wouldnāt have cared. On the incredibly rare occasions I was interested in sex at allā¦ well, I couldnāt have finished for love, nor money nor bottles of Pappy Van Winkle 24.
All of this is to say: this isnāt about you or how your girlfriend feels about you. Itās literally the disease sheās dealing with and the side effects of the medication sheās on. If her depression manifests anything like mine did, she may also be externalizing her self-hate in her actions. Itās a frustrating paradox; you want reassurance and the comfort of your friends and loved ones, but you also feel unworthy of it, so you lash out at the people you care for. You try to push them away because you donāt deserve to be happy and have friends or a partner.
Now, this doesnāt preclude her from being an asshole to you. The fact that sheās depressed doesnāt mean that she has the right to treat you like shit or expect you to be dancing in attendance on her. It may give some understanding as to why she acts like thisā¦ but that isnāt a pass or an excuse.
Keep in mind though, you avoiding her isnāt helping either. I suspect that sheās feeling a lot of fear that youāre drifting away; God knows I was more than convinced that all my friends were about to abandon me when I was at my worst.
Unfortunately, there arenāt any easy answers here. Depression is an insidious disease. It saps your life away and drips poison in your ear and tells you lies. And those lies are very believable because theyāre in your voice.
But itās also a chronic condition. Depression canāt really be cured. It can be managed, it fades for a whileā¦ but itās always lingering. And frankly, it can take forever to find treatments that work for you. One of the weird things nobody talks about is that nobody knows why antidepressants work, which means prescribing them is more dark art than science. Finding the right drug and dosage is a game of trial and error, made all the more frustrating because it can take months for them to kick ināif they do at all.
Now, that doesnāt mean that everything is hopeless. One of the things you may want to do is talk to your girlfriend about the side effects that the drugs are having on her. While most SSRIs are libido killers, there are other antidepressants that donāt tank your sex drive. It may be worth your time and hers for her to talk to her psychiatrist about finding a different medication with side effects you both can live with. Sometimes you have to be your own advocate for your quality of life, even when your doctor disagrees.
(And yes, āDoc, give me different drugs because I want to actually fuckā is a perfectly legitimate reason to request a change in medication.)
Meanwhile: do the things you need to do to stay sane. Yeah, your girlfriend may not be cool with masturbation, but you two can make an arrangement. You can pretend that you donāt, and she can pretend to believe you. Meanwhile, you be as discreet as you can be about it. And if old-fashioned masturbation isnāt cutting it, consider a penetration sleeve. Tenga has a line of toys that donāt look like masturbation aids and (critically) also donāt look like a serial killerās souvenir collection when you uncap them.
And it may be worth finding a counselor of your own. Living with a partner who has a mental illness can be difficult. Having someone to talk to, who can give you the tools to cope and help you communicate with your partner during this can be invaluable. The fact that your girlfriend has depression doesnāt mean that your needs or problems go away. You donāt want to end up neglecting yourself in the name of taking care of her.
Youāre in a tough spot, DAFT and I feel for you. I wish I could give you something more concrete, but depression is a motherfucker. The good news is, with the right combination of help and medication, it does get better. But hanging in until that happens is hard.
Take care of yourself during all of this, DAFT.
Good luck.
Have you dealt with office relationship drama? Have you lived with depression or had a partner who did? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, and weāll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuās bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OāMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youād like answered? Write[email protected] and put āKotakuā in the subject line
Harris OāMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blogPaging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekās Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
