Hello, all you electric blue sex-angels of the Twitternet. Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the dating column that promises to introduce 2017 to the Chair Leg of Truth if it acts at all like its older brother.
Itâs the final column of the year and weâre going to talk about various dating anxieties from folks who want a chance to set things right. Is it OK to break up with someone over things that are outside of their control? What do you do when youâre on your second attempt at your first time? And is there any way to ditch a third wheel without being a dick?
Life is a river, time is an illusion, and the door is ajar. Letâs do this thing.
Hey Doc!
A few months ago I got out of a high-maintenance relationship and swore to myself Iâd find someone more easygoing. Recently I met a guy on Tinder and from the first time we met up it was clear we had some sort of connection. He is sweet and very gentlemanly and we share a lot of the same interests, and we get along well. Iâve gone out with him on multiple dates.
I was waiting for the other shoe to dropâlike you doâand I found it: he has a chronic intestinal disease that prevents him from doing a lot of things that I enjoy. For one thing, weâve done tea, coffee, and other kinds of dates but havenât done a dinner date because he literally canât eat most of whatâs out there. He also canât drink alcohol and doesnât have much physical stamina.
Iâm a big foodie and while his diet initially didnât bother me, it does more now that weâve started talking about taking each other out with our respective friend groups and going to parties. For example, we were invited to a dinner party hosted by a friend of mine but he said heâd go and wouldnât eat and also wanted to leave early, which left me in an awkward situationâI felt like I couldnât enjoy the party and felt guilty for wanting to go at all because he wasnât compatible with the situation. He has canceled plans to go out on me several times, instead suggesting I just meet him at his apartment to hang out because he isnât feeling well.
The no alcohol doesnât bother me, even though my friends and I are quite the drinkers (not to get drunk, but we do frequent wineries and tasting and love just having a glass of whisky together after work on weekdays). But the stamina has become a giant issue, especially in the bedroom. Heâs great at everything else but the act itself, and he consistently blames his inability to perform on his illness. Again, it was fine for a while as I thought maybe he was nervous about dating meâIâve been told I can be intimidatingâbut itâs been a few weeks and nothing has improved and more often than not I leave his place wanting.
He told me that heâs been single for a while because women tend to give up on dating him because he canât/doesnât go out and is introverted because of his illness. So my question: am I a huge bitch for also finding these circumstances a deal breaker and wanting to break things off? Sometimes I enjoy spending time with himâheâs a great conversationalist in person, not in text, thoughâand sometimes I feel like Iâm wasting my time because our lifestyles are not compatible. Am I a jerk for not being as accommodating as I could be with his illness? My friends are deeply important to me and it bothers me to be constantly canceling group outings and double dates and parties because he is pulling me away due to either his illness or shyness.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I try and soldier on?
Signed,
Exacting Extrovert
This can feel more complicated than it actually is EE, because of the issue surrounding his disease. This introduces a seeming moral complication: if you break up with someone with a disease or disability, does this make you an inconsiderate jerk?
And the answer is⊠it depends. I know. Not immediately helpful, but stick with me for a second. Iâm going somewhere with this.
Letâs start by acknowledging the obvious: people who have chronic health conditions or have various disabilities frequently have a harder time finding relationships. Unfortunately, thereâre many people out there who canât or wonât look past an issue like that and get to know the person instead of the label. And yeah, thatâs a dick move. Itâs one thing about them and our reaction to that one thing tells them everything about us.
But their issue isnât the only thing swings both ways. When we date somebody, weâre dating someone with the knowledge that itâs going to involve compromise. Nobodyânot Brad Pitt, not Drake, not Scarlett Johanssonâgets 100% of what they want in a relationship. We get anywhere between 65% – 80% and round up. We accept that those compromises are the price of entry because what we do get when we date them is so awesome.
And sometimes those compromises are going to be too much. Sometimes it may be because weâre the asshole. Iâve dated women who were great, but there were health issues I simply didnât have the patience or maturity to work around.
Other times it may be that sure, theyâre great and you really like them but you are just not compatible on a fundamental level. Attraction is great and people can be amazing, but sometimes there will be areas where the two of you just conflict and thereâs nothing you can do about it.
You have a case of the latter. Let us put his health issues aside and imagine that they donât exist, but things are otherwise exactly the same. A relationship with this person would mean that you wouldnât be able to share or experience manyâif not mostâof the things you enjoy in life. You arenât able to share as much of your life with him or go out to as many places. The sex isnât working for you either, which is also important. Sexual compatibility and satisfaction is a crucial part of a relationshipâs success. If you canât make that work, then the relationship as a whole is going to be in trouble.
Now, are there ways to work around these issues? Sure, in theory. One can make up for sexual stamina issues by expanding on your definition of âsexâ to include more foreplay and the use of toys. You can have your time out with friends and your time with him at his place. But hereâs the critical part: you donât want to
Donât get me wrong: this is not a criticism, nor am I telling you that youâre a bad person. You simply arenât so into this guy that youâre willing to accept these compromises as the price of entry to this relationship. That is perfectly legitimate; you canât force yourself to like someone more than you actually do. And thatâs what it all comes down to: how much you like this guy compared to how much adjusting you want to make to make things work.
If it werenât for the fact that these issues stem from his illness, I donât think weâd be having this conversation. Itâd be pretty cut and dried. But because it does, it feels like youâre being selfish or an asshole. I get that.
But you have to ask yourself this: how long are you willing to be in a relationship that ultimately doesnât make you happy, just so that youâre not The Asshole? This is a chronic condition that isnât going to change. Are you going to wait years for a more âlegitimateâ reason to end things?
Just as importantly: if the only reason you stay with him is to not be The Asshole, how do you think he will feel when he realizes that youâve been dying to leave him all this time? Thatâs kind of an awful thing to do to someone. Not to mention, all that time heâs with you, he could be with someone who thinks heâs the beeâs knees and the badgerâs nadgers and doesnât see the restrictions of his illness as a deal-breaker.
So I get where youâre coming from. Like I said: Iâve been there, Iâve done that and I very much was The Asshole. But at the end of the day, itâs just that you two arenât right for each other. You arenât going to be happy dating him, and thatâs going to suck for him, too.
The kindest thing you can do in this situation is to end things quickly and cleanly and let him find someone who is right for him. It sucks all around, but the alternative sucks more. Sometimes the best option is just the least shitty one.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
So recently I dated a girl I met at my language school (Iâm studying overseas). We have different native tongues, but we talk in Japanese, which is what weâre both studying at the moment. Things were amazing at first. We share similar hobbies – gaming and karaoke/music. I have the most amazing time being with her at gaming arcades, singing karaoke together and she has the most amazing smile when I tell my jokes (I tell a lot of jokes in class and otherwise). I plan to return back to my home country in another few months, and with nothing to lose, I decided to let her know I liked her.
To my surprise and delight, she accepted my feelings and we started dating. However, probably due to me knowing our time together was so limited, I tried to spent a lot of time with her. One of her other friends, a guy, was a bit of a weird one. He would spend a lot of time with her doing nothing but just being there. He would even go to karaoke with her despite almost never singing. He would always tag along with us, and my now-girlfriend said thereâs no need to tell him weâre dating since he doesnât need to know. So hereâs where I screw up. Iâd got a little heated up when he would sit next to her, and there were these very awkward situations where my girlfriend would decide not to tell the friend we were going to watch a movie together, despite him being right next to us as we part in the same direction as him (we usually take a different train line home together). Heâs a very sticky guy, so itâs hard to brush him off without being totally blunt – again something my girlfriend strangely didnât want to tell him straight. I think thereâs no way he wouldnât think weâre dating, but she doesnât want to tell him as it would have made things âawkwardâ.
Situations similar to this eventually led to arguments. She doesnât understand why I want to be the one closest to her usually, and I often became irked when he would sit next to her instead of myself. Combined with a few other conflicts, we stopped dating after a spectacular 1 month.
Iâm still fairly sure she has no feelings for him (something she assures me), and weâve reverted to being a group of 3 friends. However, I still think I like her. We still have the best time together, and I still canât get over her smile. I still want to keep going as lovers and continue what was fun (sheâs stopped coming over to my place to play a game we started together), perhaps this time without me being so desperate. I donât despise the other friend anymoreâheâs a normal friend like any other and I donât feel conflicted by him being around anymore. I just want to enjoy the time with her as they were before, but is this event worth the effort anymore? I have only 3 months of time left before I go back so even if things work out is there even a point to all of this? More importantly, am I getting my emotions mixed up? Things have been such a train wreck that I feel like I donât even know what Iâm feeling anymore.
Desperate and Confused
It sounds like your girlfriend had an orbiterâsomeone whoâs life revolves around her heavenly body without ever actually coming in contact with it. This happens fairly frequently with Nice Guys (as opposed to nice guys) whoâre pulling the Platonic Best Friend Back Door Gambit. They stick to their crush like a love-sick barnacle with boundary issues.
Sometimes orbiters are covert and the object of their affections doesnât realize that he has an agenda. Other times, itâs so obvious that blind people half a country away can see it. The problem is that many women are taught not to make a fuss and to prioritize the feelings of men over their ownâeven when doing so is almost absurdly inconvenient. This is doubly true if itâs someone whoâs been a part of their life for quite some time.
So now youâve got a situation where she wants to have her own fun with you but she also doesnât want the uncomfortable awkwardness thatâll come from telling her orbiter that not only does he stand no chance, but she wants to suck face with someone else, and could he back the hell off please?
There could very well also be a certain amount of ânot wanting to be The Assholeâ hereâas with Exacting Extrovert above. If this guy has any emotional issues or for whatever reason doesnât necessarily grok boundaries or relationships, then she may feel like she canât say anything because to her it might be like kicking a puppy.
But while all of this explains whatâs likely affecting her decisions, it doesnât excuse them. Sheâs allowed this guy to be a major impediment to your relationship with her and itâs completely understandable that itâs pissed you off. You have a right to want closeness and intimacy with someone youâre dating and this guyâs getting in the way of that. At the end of the day, however, sheâs decided that avoiding the potential awkwardness of confronting her orbiter is more important than how you feel about him.
That sucks, no question. But you need to keep things in perspective. You two were only dating for a month. Thatâs no time at all. As much as she might have dug you, your time and impact in her life is likely far less than this guyâs. And since you were going to be leaving the country anyway, I imagine she didnât feel that her relationship with you was necessarily going to be worth the upheaval it would cause in her life if she scraped this guy off. And thatâs her choice.
Was it a good choice? I donât think so, personally. But itâs the one that she made and thereâs really nothing you can do but shrug your shoulders and move on.
I think the best thing you can do is accept that things happened, you had a great month with her and leave it at that. You only have three months left and spending those three months trying to get back into her good graces (or her pants) just means that youâre going to be wasting time that you could be putting to better use. Best thing for you to do is put it in your rearview mirror and make the most of the time youâve got left.
Good luck.
Hey Doc.
Iâm a boy and a freshman in high school and I really love your articles.
So the problem Iâve been noticing recently is all my friends going into relationships and having girlfriends/boyfriends and Iâm Malcolm in the middle. I am the class clown and Iâm nice to everyone but I do act crazy from time to time. I have crushes on girls and stuff but for some reason I have no urge to be in a relationship or even have sex.
Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? It just seems weird everyone wants someone to pair up and I donât. Advice?
Sitting on the Sidelines
I really only have one question Iâd have for you SotS: how do you feel about your lack of interest? Do you want to want sex and relationships and youâre upset that you donât? Or do you feel weird because you feel like youâre supposed to want things and this wouldnât bother you if it didnât feel like it was always in your face?
If itâs the former, then unless youâre feeling serious anxiety over it, Iâd advise a wait-and-see attitude. If itâs really bugging you, it may be worth talking to your doctor (you know, a real one, not a loudmouth advice columnist) and seeing what they say.
But honestly? I donât think thereâs anything wrong with you, SotS. Youâre just not that interested in sex or dating. It could be that youâre a late bloomer and this will change over time. It could be that youâre asexual and sex just isnât your bag. Or it could just be as simple as the fact that nobody at your school does it for you, and later on youâre going to run into people whoâll make you harder than Russian trigonometry.
In the meantime, regardless of labels or causes, you may want to check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. Even if this is just a temporary issue, knowing that youâre not the only person going through thisâand that it isnât that unusualâcould be a help.
Good luck.
Have you dated someone with health restrictions? Did your snuggle-bunny have a friend who was a little too present in their lives? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, and weâll be back in two weeks with more of your dating questions.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
