The first trailer for Transformers: The Last Knight went up last night, giving fans a first look at the flashy nonsense that will make Michael Bay, Hasbro and Paramount a ton of money next year. Let’s see what knowledge we can glean from those explosive 140 seconds.

First off, let’s watch the trailer for Transformers 5: All Your Fault again, so it’s fresh in our minds.

Wow. Deep breaths, everybody. There is a lot to process here. Let’s get it started.

We open with an image that resonates with all corners of Transformers fandom, blood dripping from a cross. Specifically, blood dripping from the cross-shaped hilt of a sword. Could this be the sword of the titular Last Knight? Probably. I don’t know.

Now an army marches through a forest. I see banners, maybe horses. Seeing as the movie explores the Transformers’ interactions with Earth throughout history, this is probably some King Arthur shit.

Definitely some King Arthur shit. In a clever bit of giving a respected actor lots of money, Sir Anthony Hopkins, an actual knight, begins narrating.

A three-headed dragon appears. Could this be Predaking? Perhaps it is Michael Bay’s take in Beast Wars era Megatron, or Robots in Disguise (2001) Megatron? I’m getting the feeling we’re going to be explaining away some Arthurian myths as Transformers influence here, which is fine I guess.

Man, this motherfucker and his explosions. So far this movie seems to be about Michael Bay traveling through time, blowing shit up.

See? He’s a time traveling demolitionist who doesn’t care who he hurts. This scene obviously takes place in 2018 Washington D.C.

We are 20 seconds into this trailer and have already seen three different explosions from at least two different time periods.

In a perfect world I could just stop right here. Note that this appearance of Bay’s name in the trailer lasts five seconds. They should have saved some time and had the credit card explode as well.

Nothing makes adult Transformers animation fans happier than seeing plucky youngsters poking about robot stuff. This scene takes place in a baseball stadium, because someone thought the shot would be cool. I am not disagreeing here.

We meet Isabella, a newcomer to the franchise, though as mentioned in sister site io9's set visit earlier today, she was also involved in the Chicago attacks. I cannot remember which movie it was where they destroyed Chicago. Was it the last one? I think it was the last one. Isabella is a plucky tomboy-ish girl who should probably stay far away from the boyfriend of Marky Mark’s daughter from Age of Extinction. She has a pet Vespa scooter.

I have no idea who this is supposed to be. Bumblebee with his face ripped off? Bumblebee Prime? Someone else really obvious everyone already knows about but I just don’t care?

This looks like a bit of the planet Cybertron, though it also reminds me of the mouth of Unicron, filtered through the creative mind of someone who doesn’t give a damn what Transformers have historically looked like.

“Optimus Prime has left us,” says Sir Anthony Hopkins, as a husk of the Autobot leader floats through space. “We’re floating in space,” says the horrible mix of The Flaming Lips’ “Do You Realise”.

A Cybertronian banana juts from the desert sands, a grim reminder that robots do not really need fruit, even if it’s robot fruit.

Next we have Sir Anthony Hopkins. Here he caresses a sign for the fanciest Victoria’s Secret location ever created.

Isabella and her stupid robot Vespa share a tender moment. You guys know about the robot Vespa, right? It’s called Sqweeks. A puppy dies every time you laugh at his hilarious antics.

Authorities finally catch up with Mark Wahlberg, arresting him for his performance in Transformers: Age of Extinction. Our national nightmare is finally at an end. Did you really think that stupid wig would fool us, Wahlberg?

That Cybertron came from the moon. Yeah, all I have for this is an old Destiny meme.

Actors look to the skies in wonder at things a director tells them is happening. I love when actors react toward the camera at things happening behind them. If I had to guess, and I suppose I do, all of the organic matter on Earth is being sucked away to create a new Cybertron.

I think this is newcomer Laura Haddock, but it is really hard to tell. She could be any female lead from any live-action Transformers movie in this shot.


Bumblebee accidentally smashes through the set of a live-action Metal Gear Solid movie.

Isabella pledges to stay and fight them. Not sure where she is staying or who she is fighting, but her strength of character is sure to make up for the daughter from the last movie being not much more than a running statutory rape gag.

Note that Wahlberg’s character has had time to get a haircut and grow a goatee since the earlier shot. I believe this means he obtains the Matrix of Leadership and becomes Marky Markimus Prime.

Just when I started to miss the explosions, Bay delivers. Note the baby stroller in the bottom of the shot. I wonder what that transforms into. It’s probably Wheelie.

Bay accidentally got a Transformer in this shot. I’m sure they’ll fix it in post. Is that Megatron? Can he still smell that boy? I bet he can.

Oh shit, everybody! William Lennox is back! Forget all the bad things I said earlier, Josh Duhamel is the beating heart of this series and it’s great to see him return. I hope he shoots things. He shoots things good.

My fan theory is that this is Duhamel shooting at Wahlberg. After they kiss, obviously.

This waterslide is Marky Mark approved.

I skipped a bunch of explosions. It’s not like we need to see any more. Save some for the movie, ya goofs.

Is this Megatron, then? One of the Dinobots in robot form? Seriously, I have no idea what I am looking at, and have no desire to go searching around to figure it out. You guys analyze this one.

A dramatic reveal! Remember a minute ago, when Optimus Prime left us? He’s back to light our darkest hour!

Wait, is Optimus about to kill Mark Wahlberg? He really does love us, that big old robot. Three cheers for Optimus Prime! Hip, hip!

Transformers: The Last Knight will be in theaters sometime next year.

See anything I missed in the trailer? Add your two cents in the comments below.