I can’t believe it’s been 14 years since 2016, a year I’ve decided to fixate on for no particular reason. The only thing more surprising than how things have changed is the way they’ve remained the same. Whoa.
Kotaku isn’t going anywhere. We’re celebrating Senior Week as a transition from one era to the next, but we plan to keep doing our thing until the ravenous wolves of time and decay come to take our bones in the night, or we’re sued by another billionaire because Jason decides to single-handedly delay every video game. In the meantime, let’s take a peek into Kotaku’s future. Here are just a few headlines I’m 100 percent certain we’ll be running in the year 2030.
“I’ve been pregnant for 14 years,” said a visibly withered Norman Reedus as Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima proudly cradled the infant video game. “This is not a metaphor.”
With Evolve VII on the way, though, can it hold out?
Yeah, no, it’s still pretty good.
Better late than never.
Multiple sources have told Kotaku that George Clooney will voice main character Dogmeat, and the game will otherwise “basically be Morrowind again, thank goodness.”
Huh, well, dang. Suit yourselves!
Is Overwatch’s star ninja more man than machine? Is he really?
“Sans is my boyfriend now,” he said to press in attendance and also his Sans body pillow.
You’re gonna have to learn eventually.
“We really, really mean it this time.”
“The original was so pure,” said a poster on the game’s forums. “Now I have to do all this crap.”
“I end my day of working in the real Neo-Goonswarm’s coffee shop, and then I sit down in front of my PC. In that moment, I am the commander, the lord, the seer. I can soar where I please. I am free.”
“I do actually really like making coffee, though.”
“To the outside world, it’s a game of paddles and balls,” one source who worked on the game told Kotaku. “But internally, it was a game of toxicity and egos.”
We’ve played it for a few hours now, and it seems otherwise completely indistinguishable from the real world.
Whoa, who saw that coming.
President Pewdiepie ‘Really Tired’ From Presidential Responsibilities And Also All The People Who Keep Leaping Out And Trying To Scare Him
“I’ve forgotten what real fear tastes like,” said the frazzled shell of a once-handsome young entertainer. “I miss it.”
Editor-and-chief Stephen Totilo partially attributes the amazing success to Michael Fahey’s expansion of Snacktaku into a Soylent-like food product people can actually eat, only it’s not gross and it gives them intimate knowledge of the latest happenings in the world of video games.
“Thanks for sticking around, everybody,” Totilo added, addressing readers, viewers, and eaters. “I really mean that. We’d never have made it this far without the regulars who’ve been with us for decades. We love you all. I can’t say that enough.”
1. A List Of Stories We Found On Kotaku in 2030.