There’s a lot of potential in the mod scene that surrounds The Sims 4. You can tell your Sims not to wash their dishes next to the toilet, give them outfits that don’t suck like the base games ones do, or just make them get naked and have orgies. This week... I tried something a little different.
CONTENT WARNING: Usually, these pieces are labelled Not Safe For Work (NSFW). This is still true, but today, I have another warning for you: This piece is Not Safe For Anyone Drinking Liquids, Eating Oatmeal, Or Any Other Viscous Slash Chunky Liquid (NSFADLEOOAOVSCL). You’ll soon see why.
I’ve been watching a lot of Twin Peaks lately. I hadn’t seen it before, but, as with most pop culture behemoths, I’d seen the references in The Simpsons, so I figured I knew enough. I was expecting a surreal murder mystery with backwards-talking and bold patterns; what I found instead was a campy, delightfully weird murder mystery that forgets it’s a murder mystery in favour of long, languid shots of rivers and women screaming.
Also, everyone really likes coffee.
I don’t like coffee. I’m British, so I was born with tea running through my veins, which is part of the reason the British are so darn angry all the time, since tea isn’t great for carrying oxygen around the body. But I can appreciate loving a hot, steamy, comforting liquid, served to you at a time of great need.
So I fired up The Sims 4 and opened up a Cum Café. Listen, I can’t explain it to you any better than that—it’s a café that exclusively serves semen and semen-related products. I’m sorry. I thought it would make a good Kotaku feature, but instead I’m just deeply ashamed of myself and my actions.
Just kidding! I’m not.
Here’s how it all began. It was not entirely my idea. I downloaded a mod called “Nisa’s Wicked Perversions.” I don’t know much about Nisa, but I do know that Nisa saw fit to include an item called the “Cup O’ Cum”, a name so grossly reminiscent of the kind of instant-just-add-water soup that you get on camping holidays that I threw up in my mouth, nostalgically.
Just then, like any freelancing individual with a looming deadline, I thought to myself: how can I turn this into work? The answer was obvious. I opened a Cum Café. It’s a café that sells cups of cum, freshly milked from willing participants in the creepy, dingy downstairs sex basement. It’s artisanal cum. Farm-fresh nut milk. The ultimate crema. Hipsters want something new, something exciting; the next kombucha. Kumbucha. So, I’ll give it to them. Oh, I’ll give it to them.
(Don’t tell me this is that much worse than a cereal café. Other than the sex dungeon. That part’s kinda weird. But can you say for sure that your favorite café doesn’t have a sex dungeon?)
As you might imagine, I had quite a few potential names for the Cum Café, since it isn’t actually called “The Cum Café” — I have pride in my work, you know — and the shortlist is as follows:
- Spunkin’ Donuts
- Cup O’ Joe (Joe being today’s donor)
- Jamba Jizz
- Buster Nutt’s (run by the eponymous Buster Nutt)
- Skeet’s
- Milk Bar (potential for lawsuits)
- Spunky Brew-ster’s
- Jism Hortons
In the end, at my partner’s suggestion, we named the café “Cum Hither”: a quaint little nook, decorated solely in white (gotta stay on brand) and run by a lady named Milk Maid, who was as white as the beverages she served.
Milk Maid hired one employee (handily, a vampire, so he was both suitably pale and unlikely to sample the supply) and set the uniform to be white knee-high leather boots, white fishnets, and white boxer briefs.
Also, adding to the completely unsexy nightmare of the café I had created, a bunch of my custom content outfits had gone missing, or become corrupted. This meant that a lot of Sims—and I mean a lot—were wandering around town with their baps out, seemingly unaware and unbothered by the cool breeze on their nips.
I know I opted into a lot of the sexual weirdness of these mods when I opened up a semen hotspot, but there are children around, so I did at least attempt to remedy the Sims’ sudden love of public indecency.
It didn’t work, so my solution was to just stand by the door and usher all the children out. Luckily, children have no money, so none of them actually made a purchase.
Sadly, Cum Hither is not a successful business. Despite the café being consistently packed with curious customer potentials, not many people are actually buying the goods. So far, I’ve lost $3,000. Can’t think why. It’s probably the location.