100 (Bullet)proof Whiskey

Illustration for article titled 100 (Bullet)proof Whiskey

Thinking about the impending launch of the undoubtedly hilarious 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand takes me back to 2006, when I threw a party to play Bulletproof and invent an equally laughable mixed drink.

This was in my corporate days (I forget exactly the name of my company, I think it rhymed with ... Shmymantec) when a bunch of friends and I sat together in the cafeteria to ogle hotty co-workers and see how many swear words I could get away with saying in hearing range of the CEO or VP of worldwide sales. We called ourselves the Detroit Cobras because John (below, at right) said that would be a badass name for a law firm. Seriously, we were just that high school.

When 50 Cent: Bulletproof arrived from GameFly, we threw a "Malt Liquor Monday" party to celebrate this work of pure gaming artistry. Trouble is, most malt liquor tastes like ass, and consumed from a 40, the last third is going to be piss-warm and even nastier. So we all collaborated to come up with a more disgusting, less drinkable cocktail.

Illustration for article titled 100 (Bullet)proof Whiskey

I forget who contributed what ingredients but this is "The Bum" whose name came from Jon-Michael (at left).

In a highball glass, pour 2 shots cheap whiskey (Early Times preferred) over ice, and then Chocolate Yoohoo to fill. Garnish with a Slim Jim as a stirrer and a single Funyun, either looped around the Slim Jim (served "up") or lodged against the side of the glass, like a lemon wedge ("neat"). Souvenir versions are served in an old, discarded boot.

Mmmm ... sweet and savory. Jon-Michael wrote a Wikipedia page for it that lasted about a week before it was moderated. (He also got "boneless brown trout" edited into this entry where it managed to stay for a month. My achievement was getting 50 Cent on the "List of Welsh people" for a little while. Yes, this was all done on the clock.)

Illustration for article titled 100 (Bullet)proof Whiskey

Anyway, I bring this up as a shout-out to the Cobras: Mark V., Jon-Michael F., John S., Fred W. and Omar G. They were the first friends I had when I moved out here four years ago. I'm going to be leaving the Bay Area soon, moving down to South Carolina. (I'll still be here on Kotaku). We might try to do a Malt Liquor Monday one last time before I go and if so, I'll be sure to post pics from the carnage.

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Getting 50 Cent onto the list of Welsh people is a pretty damn fine achievement. I salute you on behalf of all Englishmen, who love to see the Welsh humiliated :p