Melanoma Head's Coming

I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're all good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags… » 9/10/11 10:00am 9/10/11 10:00am

You Have a Rendezvous with My Ass

Let's face it, half the things we do are window dressing. Take running alongside that limousine: it'd take an anti-tank missile to put a dent in that damn thing. There we are, out for show, trying to make the President look more presidential. » 9/03/11 10:00am 9/03/11 10:00am

Let Off Some Steam, Bennett

Listen, loyalty is very touching. But it is not the most important thing in your life right now! But what is important is gravity! I have to remind you Sully, this is my weak arm! Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied. » 8/20/11 10:00am 8/20/11 10:00am

'Incidental Punishment'

You spend fourteen years in this tank, you begin to understand that you've only got two thing left they can't sweat out of you or beat out of you. Your balls. And you better hang onto them, because they're about the only thing you're gonna have when you get out of here. » 8/13/11 10:00am 8/13/11 10:00am

Get the Hell Off My Lawn

You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie… » 8/06/11 10:00am 8/06/11 10:00am

Shake and Bake

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers. » 7/30/11 10:00am 7/30/11 10:00am

Shark Week

Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all. Now, why don't you take a long, close look at this sign. » 7/23/11 10:00am 7/23/11 10:00am

It Just Doesn't Matter

Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls… » 7/09/11 10:00am 7/09/11 10:00am

Savings are Your'n on the Fourth of July

You probably think it's just a hamburger. A patty's just a piece of meat, but it can have character. See that doughnut hole? Gets 18 patties to the pound instead of 16. Saves me about $40,000 a year. That's serious money, Ron. I plug the hole with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, spices. I cover it with a pickle. They'll… » 7/02/11 10:00am 7/02/11 10:00am

You Can Learn a Lot, Watching Things Eat

When you decide to be something, you can be it. That's what they don't tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference? » 6/25/11 10:00am 6/25/11 10:00am

Greetings, Starfighter!

You're walking away from history! History, Alex! Did Chris Columbus stay home? Nooooo. What if the Wright Brothers thought that only birds should fly? And did Galoka think that the Ulus were too ugly to save? » 6/18/11 10:00am 6/18/11 10:00am

The Doctor Doesn't Pay

You know, I hate to come down from Wayne County. I have businesses in Lansing. I have muffler shops, chicken chains. I got slums to collect the rent from. I have a chiropractic practice. I make adjustments to the human spine! And this little trip has cut far too much into my professional time! » 6/04/11 10:00am 6/04/11 10:00am

Laces Out, Dan!

It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son? » 5/28/11 10:00am 5/28/11 10:00am

He Once Got Lost in His Own Museum

He's got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody's got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the grail already. » 5/14/11 10:00am 5/14/11 10:00am

Puttin' on the Deals Heah, Boss

There's no playing grab-ass or fighting in the building. You got a grudge against another man, you fight him Saturday afternoon. Any man playing grab-ass or fighting in the building spends a night in the box. First bell's at five minutes of eight when you will get in your bunk. Last bell is at eight. Any man not in… » 4/30/11 10:00am 4/30/11 10:00am