What I Actually Call Dark Souls Bosses

From Software has a knack for creating some super weird boss names.

I tend to completely ignore those names and just make up my own.

You sort of have to, especially when talking about the game in person. Let’s face facts: Chaos Witch Quelaag or Booby Spider? Which makes more sense.

Here are some of the names I use when talking about Souls/Bloodborne games…

Old Name: Capra Demon
My Name: Big Demon Bawbag

By the time I stumbled across the Capra Demon, I was already used to dying in Dark Souls.

But this guy just took shit to a whole new level. I was underlevelled, just getting smashed in one hit. Utterly brutal.

Which is why I referred to him as “that big demon bawbag”.

For the unitiated, I am Scottish. The word ‘bawbag’ means many things. It’s an insult that is sometimes used as a term of endearment. It is, literally, a synonym for ‘scrotum’. It is your nutsack. In Scottish slang ‘baw’ means ball.

Bawbag = Ballbag.

Hence Big Demon Bawbag. He’s a bawbag. Simple.

Old Name: Chaos Witch Quelaag
My Names: Booby Spider

I mean honestly, I’m still not sure how to pronounce Quelaag.

I got stuck pretty hardcore on the Chaos Witch Quelaag, to the point where I actually gave up on the game for a couple of months. When people asked me how far I got, I’d always just say “yeah that big booby spider kept kicking my arse”.

Thankfully I got back on the horse and beat that Booby Spider real good.

Old Name: The Smelter Demon
My Names: Big Burny Man

Dark Souls 2 had a lot of forgettable boss fights. The Smelter Demon was not one of them.

His name, however, is pretty forgettable so I just called him the Big Burny Man. He’s on fire. He’s burny.

Old Name: The Rotten
My Names: The Big Stinky Guy Made Up Of Dead Guys

This isn’t the catchiest name I’ve ever come up with, but I guarantee I used this in conversation. My brother and I have spent a whole lot of time discussing Dark Souls bosses.

“Have you beat the big stinky guy made up of dead guys?” That’s a sentence I’ve actually uttered in real life.

Old Name: Blood Starved Beast
My Names: Big Smelly Dog

He looks like a dog. He poisons you and messes you up. He looks smelly. He just does.

Old Name: Father Gascoigne
My Names: Paul Gascoigne

Father Gascoigne. Bloodborne boss.

Paul Gascoigne. Troubled English soccer superstar from the 90s. Glasgow Rangers legend. I grew up as a Rangers fan in Scotland. When you say the word Gascoigne you’re talking about Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne. That lovable crown prince; that chubby booze guzzling genius.

Gascoigne is in a bad place now. That makes me sad.

Old Name: Vicar Amelia
My Names: Really Noisy Dog

Vicar Amelia is one of my favourite boss battles ever. Mainly because she howls like a goddamn banshee.

She really is a noisy dog.

Old Name: Curse-Rotted Greatwood
My Names: Big Tree Fucker

“Hey man, how far are you?”

“Yeah I’m still stuck at that big tree fucker.”

Old Name: High Lord Wolnir
My Names: Scary Skull Bangle Guy

I think by this point you’re getting a sense for just how bad an imagination I have. He’s a big skull, he wears bangles. These are High Lord Wolnir’s defining attributes

Old Name: Pontiff Sulyvahn
My Names: Light Sabre Dude

Real talk: this boss fight is so incredible. The setting, the way he slowly walks towards you and basically unsheathes what are basically lightsabres.

He is light sabre dude. We all know it.

Old Name: Ceaseless Discharge
My Names: Ceaseless Discharge

Nailed it.

This post originally appeared on Kotaku Australia, where Mark Serrels is the Editor. You can follow him on Twitter if you’re into that sort of thing.