What BottleRocket's The Flash Might Have Looked Like...

Illustration for article titled What BottleRocket's The Flash Might Have Looked Like...

When Brash Entertainment, the plague of a publisher that did serious harm to independent developers industry-wide, gave up the ghost, several projects went with it. That includes one based on DC Comics' The Flash.


In development at Bottlerocket Entertainment, the same of Splatterhouse infamy, The Flash was just one entry in a long list of titles that Brash had in the works before a string of crap releases caused it to fold, mercifully. Hopefully, they'll do no more damage.

A few alleged shots of the game, listed as an "Unannounced Title" for the Xbox 360, were dug up by superannuation. The give us a quick glimpse of Central City, The Flash and a very tiny Mirror Master.

Illustration for article titled What BottleRocket's The Flash Might Have Looked Like...
Illustration for article titled What BottleRocket's The Flash Might Have Looked Like...


Now, I don't know how many of you read comics, but I read a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC Universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say, "Your taste in wine is atrocious." He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and radiation from his ***.

Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fu master of not much, but instead he's the hottest **** to ever **** on a plate. You got a power? He'll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He'll light you on fire when you're sleeping or make you recharge your Green Lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of **** you. That's Batman.

But the ******* Flash, my god, this man has the greatest powers of all. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else's job.

First off, he can travel at lightspeed. Not only does he travel at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he's having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he's already gotten to Texas. That's ******* fast. But wait! The ability to move at lightspeed just isn't enough!

This guy can punch you so many times in a second you've been hit five times in the **** and two times everywhere else. You think you're about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last second he's beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there's more!

The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can't move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain't nothing. I mean you think a guy who runs at lightspeed would run into stuff, but the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry, he can selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or EXPLODE. That's right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transfering kinetic energy into you. It's bad enough you can't hit this guy, but he doesn't even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you're thinking you're about to hit him. Just give it up. He's the ******* Flash.

Now imagine that somehow you can get around the Flash blowing your balls with some ninja technique. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it's going slow and then he's like, "WOOHOO FLASH POWERS!" and bam, it's going at lightspeed. So he can throw a million rocks at you in a second then make them all go different speeds, thus striking you with a million rocks one after the other.

You would think this is the end of it, but ok, let's say Flash is fighting Superman and he's going to lose, and ****, how is Superman THIS ******* strong? I don't know, he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else. The Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME.

How do you beat this dude? You're thinking you're hashing him, laying down the beatdown, missing your balls and suddenly YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there's a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn't fall down the stairs, the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! **** you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet ******* Russia!