Last night, a member of Kotaku’s editorial team grappled with the fact that Avengers: Infinity War is supposedly going to be stuffed to the gills with, like, 67 characters. This is what happened next.
Superhero movies are now a staple of Hollywood’s output, with Marvel’s franchise success leading the way. They keep churning out blockbusters, and those movies keep getting bigger. Soon, all will be absorbed into the MCU. Just lie back quietly, breathe through your nose and let it happen. Use the group chat below to help you cope. (Note: I, this website’s chief comics commentator, wasn’t here for any of this. And I’m kinda glad about that. Would’ve just spoiled the vibe.)
Kirk: So, comics question, from a guy who knows some but not much. Is the name “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” a spoiler? Like, does that imply this is how the Justice League gets going? AKA they do not kill one another and instead team up in the end?
Luke: Doesn’t the trailer kinda hint at that anyway?
Kirk: I mean i guess we know that captain america ain’t gonna kill iron man too
Luke: God, wouldn’t that be great though?
Kirk: So good.
Luke: Just breaks his fucking neck.
Kirk: He just literally fucking kills him.
Luke: Music goes quiet. Credits roll.
Kirk: Closing shot is everyone looking kinda stunned.
Luke: You hear the AI butler going, “Sir ...?”
Kirk: Blood splatters onto black widow’s face
Luke: “Sir, are you there?” fade to black. sound of wind. credits.
Kirk: Haha, yeah. The scene with Jarvis is the post-credits scene. Like, you think he’s gonna come back to life but it’s just Jarvis.
Luke: oh MAN.
Luke: And then JARVIS BRINGS HIM BACK. LIKE THE XCOM 2 BAD GUYS. JUST OPERATING THE SUIT.
Luke: DRAGGING THE CORPSE AROUND INSIDE IT. Hahahahahaha
Kirk: That would be so goood. I guess that’s technically kinda what Vision is already but whatever. Actually, I wonder if Jarvis still exists? Or is he Vision? Evan would know...
Luke: WTF is Vision? God, these movies are the worst.
Kirk: Haha, no, they’re the best.
Luke: I’m gonna need a printed FAQ to see Civil War.
Kirk: Vision is the hot British robot man they made in Age of Ultron, where Thor shows up and is like, “Uh, so Vision is going to be a major character in my next movie so just trust me let’s make him.” *ELECTRIC HAMMER!* Hi, Vision!
Kirk: and Vision is like “See, i’m a good guy, after all! Yay, I’m the good ultron.”
Luke: OH. HIM.
Kirk: Yeah. His name is Vision because I think because Thor had a vision of him. So, he was like, “Let’s name him Vision.”
Luke: 67. 67, Kirk.
Luke: 6. 7. I need a FAQ.
Kirk: Yeah, like I bet Jessica Jones and Daredevil and Punisher are in it. It’s going to be 6 hours long.
Luke: It’s going to be the worst.
Kirk: It’s going to be the BEST worst. Like the Guardians of the Galaxy show up for like thirty seconds. A quick clip of some classic rock plays, Star-Lord moons the camera, then you never see him again.
Luke: Good lord. No.
Kirk: yes. YESSSSS.
Nathan Grayson: Deadpool will be there, too, obscured by a fence.
Kirk: Deadpool shows up with his dick out, leaves. But, nah, he won’t be in it because he’s a Fox Marvel character. So, no X-Men or Deadpool.
Nathan: That’s why there will be a fence, obscuring all of them.
Kirk: So it’ll just be a dick and we’ll assume it’s Deadpool.
Luke: Mike Wazowski. Pocahontas.
Nathan: I mean, that’s the most Deadpool thing that could happen.
Kirk: hahahaha. The invisible girl from The Incredibles.
Mark Serrels: Captain Jack Sparrow.
Luke: God, I’d much rather see that.
Kirk: Anastasia from the film Anastasia. Shrek.
Luke: A Disney Avengers. Disney Infinity: The Movie.
Kirk: The shark from Shark Tale.
Kirk: The tiger from Aladdin. It’s Star-Lord riding the tiger from Aladdin.
Nathan: But no genie? :disappointed:
Luke: Oh, Genie is there. He’s a blue ghost, like Yoda.
Luke: And Obi-Wan. And Bambi’s mum
Kirk: Genie, he speaks in recycled lines from other Robin Williams movies.
Nathan: Luke, Genie would just look regular if he was a blue ghost. He is already blue and wispy.
Kirk: He’s just transparent now. Then George Clooney from Tomorrowland shows up and shoots Thanos with a huge time-travel gun and they warp back into that one steampunk Spider-Man game.
Kirk: And they go inside the mind of the girl from Inside Out and they kill Thanos by making her forget him so he fades away to nothingness.
Kirk: In the end, Thanos was undone by the power of a little girl’s imagination.
Luke: And at the end: cut to Thanos’ empty throne. Mickey climbs the stairs and sits on it.
Kirk: aaaaaadfakjsdhfakjs. YES. With a little shitty crown that like, droops onto his brow
Luke: Yeah a dumb little cartoon crown.
Kirk: He laughs that little MIckey laugh: “Huh hah!”
Mark: Like the end of Conan
Kirk: And the camera does that dumb thing where it zeroes to a point on his face.
Kirk: hahahahahaha. *roll credits* $200 million box office. Then the post-credits scene is like, you hear Darth Vader breathing. “Thanos has fallen. It is my turn.”
Luke: But then he talks... and it’s Goofy’s voice.
Nathan: hahaahaha “It is my turn HYUCK.”
Luke: Of course, it’s a thing. Fucking Disney.
Nathan: Ok, now let’s talk game tie-ins. I’m thinking Smash Bros, but with every character Disney has ever owned. 34829103284 character roster. 17 move sets!
Kirk: i mean this is still like 50% less convoluted than a Kingdom Hearts game, so...
Nathan: Oh, this story is way better.
Luke: well, I mean, the movie is already an adaptation of a game. Disney Infinity does all this shit already. Last week, I had a car race with Wreck-It Ralph and Olivia Wilde, only we were driving tea cups through the Monsters, Inc factory.
Nathan: Disney Infinity... Wars?
Kirk: oh my god, Nathan, you’ve blown this thing wide open.