These Rage 2 Characters Have Amazing Names But No Backstories, So I Made Some Up

I’ve met some real characters during my time playing Rage 2. And by characters, I mean glorified quest dispensers. There’s old guy, cool lady, and of course—who could forget?—third main story person. These folks get functional speaking parts, but I honestly can’t remember a word they’ve said. They’re bland potato people in a perfunctory post-apocalyptic stew. But some of Rage 2's characters deserve better. I speak, of course, of all the otherwise faceless NPCs with in-friggin’-credible names.

Rage 2—a game I’m enjoying because The Guns Feel Good, and sometimes that’s all you need—feels like it could’ve been the bizarro garage punk noise solo its trailers tried to portray it as, but then its mom came in and told it to turn down that awful racket. So now it’s got a standard-issue video game setting, but all the ladders are pink, because fuck you, mom. There are, however, sprinkles of legitimate strangeness throughout the game in the form of characters with names that beautifully straddle the line between trying too hard and not trying even a single bit. These, dear reader, are their names (that I didn’t make up) and their stories (that I did make up).

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Bruise Armbar

A retired MMA fighter who earned his nickname by being wholly unable to bruise or armbar anybody and having very mean friends.

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Annie Hilator

“Name’s Annie,” she tells people she meets through her job as a security guard outside a very exclusive club. “Annie Hilator,” she adds with a sly grin. “Get it?” No one’s ever gotten it.

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Hella Brew

The coolest person in the whole wasteland. In his mind.

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Ryan Cockaim

By day: the quietest guy at the accounting firm. By night: definitely does porn.

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Fistu Lars

Ryan Cockaim’s partner. Not in porn, surprisingly, but very supportive of all his lover’s pursuits. Doesn’t believe in “the institution of marriage,” but would still kind of like it if Ryan proposed.

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Peter O’Nails

Every time anyone’s asked him how his day is going, he’s replied “bad.”

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Acid Rayne

Actually a staunch conservationist, trying to bring plants and wildlife back to this smoking crater of a world. He swears he saw a duck once, to the point that it’s the only story he tells at parties. People laugh at him for this, and he suffers from pretty bad depression.

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Lazer Fist

She is THE LAW.

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Brucer

Younger brother of Bruce, older brother of Brucest.

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Bad Bertha

Probably one of the top ten worst Berthas, but surprisingly not that bad as far as people go, in general.

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Andi Wasteland

SWEARS the wasteland was named after her and not the other way around. Might be right???

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Bronco Koronco

Can only say his own name. Is the life of every party.

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OPULENT CHASTITY

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RIGHTEOUS HAND

!!!

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@Oyez_Klang

The final Twitter user. Named by his mother, who was the final Twitter user before him. She passed away many years ago, but remains his only follower. It’s all very tragic, actually.

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Lisa Nailgun

The real main character of Rage 2. You’re just a supporting character in their story. Sorry to break it to you this way. If you need someone to help you process this, just hit me up. I’m happy to help. You know I care about you.

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DognBone von Carrotcake

Like I’d sully a name this good with some pithy made-up story.

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Durk Viscous

Right hand man of DognBone von Carrotcake. Knows very little about about them. Loves them with all his heart. Spends all day on the internet re-posting #relatablecontent.

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Wimothy Tillits

I don’t know. Some loser, probably.

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About the author

Nathan Grayson

Kotaku reporter. Beats: Twitch, PC gaming, Overwatch.