The Weirdest Patch Notes Of 2017

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Patches are one of the best parts of gaming; you get to play Calvinball in real time, over the span of years. When developers announce their patches, though, they can sound ridiculous whether they’re describing what’s being fixed or introduced.


I’ve been monitoring patch notes all year. Here are my favorites, listed by game.

Yandere Simulator

  • Fixed bug that would cause teachers to stand motionless forever after witnessing Yandere-chan carrying a corpse.
  • Fixed bug that would make Kokona strip naked while reporting murder, if she witnessed a murder while her most recent objective was to go take a shower.
  • Unfortunately, the “teachers slide across the ground like they’re walking on ice” bug still persists.


  • New mental breaks: Insulting spree: Randomly go around and insult people. Targeted insulting spree: Follow around a specific other colonist, insulting them repeatedly.
  • Cannibalism is harder on mood.
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Dwarf Fortress

  • Dwarves get stuck in trees
  • Tiny undead creatures immune to pulping, ridiculously difficult to kill

Crusader Kings II

  • You can no longer ask someone you’re in a defensive pact against to embargo someone, as this would result in you ending up at war against yourself
  • Informed the AI that we changed how decadence works years ago and it shouldn’t give titles to its family members just for the hell of it
  • Taught the Pope Geography 101, with an emphasis on what “distance from Catholicism” and “size of kingdom” means in the context of Crusades, and why this means that invading India when Egypt is right there might be a bad idea
  • AI: Made the Pope less reluctant to accept requests for excommunication
  • Fixed an unlikely infinite loop when the adultery of dead people is discovered
  • If you manage to dedicate a book to your rival, they will now be “Strangely Flattered” (rather than “Flattered”)
  • Fixed overly hairy patricians crashing the game
  • No longer possible to sacrifice the same person to Satan multiple times
  • Immortal characters should no longer die when making love too fiercely with their spouse

Stardew Valley

  • Petting a fully-happy animal no longer wraps happiness around to 0

Fortnite Battle Royale

  • Players will no longer fall through the world if they are eliminated while jumping.
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PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds

  • Fixed a bug that enabled a character to hold a main weapon and frying pan simultaneously.
  • Fixed a bug where an uncooked grenade could explode if a character was knocked out while holding it.
  • Fixed a bug with the honking sound remaining persistent when opening the map or performing other actions while honking.
  • Fixed an issue where the starting airplane became immobile in sky at the very start of a round.
  • Fixed a bug that caused other players’ voice chat to be heard at high volume on the airplane.

Don’t Starve Together

  • Fixed bug where Werepigs sometimes fail to transform back to normal Pigmen.
  • Fixed bug where poop thrown by Splumonkey can land and stay outside of valid ground.

Streets of Rogue

  • Comedian’s audience has a lower chance of becoming hostile and attacking the Comedian when a joke fails.
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The Sims 4

  • Sims in the painter career will no longer be able to sell the paintings directly from the walls of the museum.
  • Suspects that were locked in a cell, will still be locked in the cell when you return the next day, and not standing outside.
  • Dogs should no longer stretch into horrible monstrosities (that only a demogorgon from the other side of Hawkins could love), when attempting to grab a toy from the toy box.
  • Getting a preventative shot for your pet will no longer put them in a state of perpetual fear.
  • Going forward, home remodels will no longer cause family wide relationship amnesia.
  • Playing your old saves should no longer result in a mad rush for the restrooms.
  • Angry writers will no longer only have the option to Write Furiously when choosing to Write Genre Book.
  • Now if you are taking a selfie you will be holding a phone.
  • Vampires can now date.

Conan Exiles

  • Players can no longer use chairs to travel great distances
  • Player corpses can only be harvested for religious purposes once every 30 minutes
  • Rhinos should no longer try to walk through players

Pit People

  • Added Muscley Nipples as a possible name

Death Road To Canada

  • Differentiated cats and goats more, they’re a separate species I guess? Who cares, seriously.

House Party

  • Fixed an issue where you could still chat with an NPC if you died while talking to them
  • Fixed a bug that caused characters to spin with enthusiastic anger when they forget how to use a door
  • Improved drunk mechanics

Another Brick In The Mall

  • Fixed: employees showing up to work furious for no reason.


  • Breaking a guarantee no longer creates a bilateral truce
  • It is no longer possible to technologically enlighten Fanatic Xenophobe primitives


  • Bucket no longer hostile to peacekeepers

Freelance writer, Dota enthusiast, Texan.



Dwarf Fortress literally hurts my eyes.

I’ll bet good money that 85% of the player base are accountants.