The Diary of a One Piece Virgin

Illustration for article titled The Diary of a emOne Piece/em Virgin
Kotaku EastEast is your slice of Asian internet culture, bringing you the latest talking points from Japan, Korea, China and beyond. Tune in every morning from 4am to 8am.

I know next to nothing about One Piece. In fact, going into the newest Dynasty Warriors game, One Piece: Pirate Warriors, the only One Piece related thing I had seen was the movie Episode of Chopper Plus: Bloom in the Winter, Miracle Cherry Blossom on a date back in 2008. The only things I remember about that movie are 1) Luffy is a poor man's Mr. Fantastic and 2) literally everyone in the entire theater was bawling—well, everyone except me anyway.

Advertisement


So when word came down that I'd be playing One Piece: Pirate Warriors, I thought, "Well, I haven't played a Dynasty Warriors game since Dynasty Warriors 3 and I'm pretty ambivalent to One Piece, so what's the worst that could happen?"

Clearly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. One Piece, especially in this massively abridged form, is one of the flat out craziest things I have ever experienced. It is mind-bogglingly random and nothing has a logical explanation.

Advertisement

Need specifics? Then check out my notes below and share in the insanity of One Piece: Pirate Warriors from my "newcomer" point of view.

1 Minute
I'm fighting some oddly proportioned giant robotic guy who seems to be dressed vaguely like a panda.

1 Minute, 15 Seconds
...Who's now shooting LASERS AT ME! I thought this was supposed to be about pirates!

5 Minutes
So I was always under the impression that this was a children's series. Though judging by Nami's ample cleavage and insanely low-cut top, I'm starting to think I may have been misinformed.

Advertisement
Illustration for article titled The Diary of a emOne Piece/em Virgin

15 Minutes
After wading through hordes of actual pirate-looking enemies, I have come to the boss: a male pirate dressed as a clown—with blue hair done up in pigtales.

Advertisement

15 Minutes, 30 Seconds
And apparently I have just made a new friend. Hell why have two swords when you can have three? We'll just put the third one in our teeth and call it a day shall we?

16 Minutes
So I hit the boss so hard he exploded and now all the pieces are flying back to recombine like he's some kind of pirate-clown Voltron.

Advertisement

25 Minutes
How do you beat a man whose body can come apart and fly around? Wrap his body parts in a bundle and then throw his head very very far away over a large body of water. ...Tell me why we're the good guys again? I mean we were stealing this guy's treasure map and beating up his men for no reason after all....

26 Minutes
A squad of pirate chefs.... Not the oddest thing I've seen today.

Illustration for article titled The Diary of a emOne Piece/em Virgin
Advertisement

26 Minitues 30 Seconds
I can't tell for sure, but I think this chef has grown his nose hairs to chest length and then braided them to create a pseudo-mustache.

27 Minutes
Wouldn't wearing platemail on a ship be the dumbest thing ever? Seriously, if you fall overboard in a storm or something, you're on a one way trip to the bottom of the ocean.

Advertisement

30 Minutes
I noticed that Luffy has a six-pack, but does it actually exist? I mean the man can stretch his skin to any size or shape. Moreover, he's rail thin despite eating like a glutton. I'm tempted to think he just uses his powers to reshape his abs to make himself look buff.

35 Minutes
As armor-clad pirates and pirate-chefs square off, a laser cuts the ship they're fighting on in half (and then in thirds).

Advertisement

36 Minutes
Oh did I say lasers? Apparently, I was mistaken. It was a guy in a rowboat with a giant cross shaped sword. Really, he looks exactly like the love child of Jesus and Zoro.

45 Minutes
So after a heated boss battle, we knock the armor guy out over the ocean. And instead of letting him drown, we shatter his armor and then put him on the deck of a broken ship so he can—I assume—come back and bother us again sometime?

Advertisement

50 Minutes
So it seems the boss of this stage is a "pirate"—I use the term quite loosely now—who has a shark fin, long pointed teeth, and a nose as phallic as it is jagged...and the first introduction is him manhandling a girl. Oh no, there's absolutely no subtext here. None at all.

Illustration for article titled The Diary of a emOne Piece/em Virgin
Advertisement

1 Hour, 10 Minutes
And now there's a mini-boss with six arms covered in suction cups. ...I knew we'd get to tentacles eventually, I just didn't expect it to be this soon.

1 Hour, 27 Minutes
I have now broken the shark pirate's "nose" to stop him from attempting to stick it over and over into my sweet gummy flesh.

Advertisement

Wow... That was only the first three levels... I fought cyborgs, magic clowns, Zoro-Jesus, and an anthropomorphized octopus-man in a series purportedly about pirates hunting for treasure. I worry the true insanity is yet to come. But one thing is for sure, I feel I understand far less about One Piece now than I did going in.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

Richard Eisenbeis,

from a grown-up man to another, as you must be over eighteen to get a legal job, feasting over the ridiculousness of child anime is not giving you any points in the writing-wits department.

For the most part, anime is stupid and as a direct consequence, most of anime related games are stupid as well.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with you but the thing is that only children and long time anime/manga consumers would be interested in reading this article: the first group is interested because they are the specific target of the Bandai corporation and the second group is just curious to get more info on anything because it is well aware that the anime industry no longer is what it used to be.

Could it be that you were ranting? I do it from time to time to release some internal pressure but it does not serve any purpose in the long term because the slightest spoon of reality disgusts the most avid of tasters: nobody likes to be told in the face that what they enjoy is nonsensical.

I hear you man but this is not the place to write this stuff because most readers won't be as understanding. It serves no constructive purpose at all and you'll only get negative responses from the Kotaku community.