A couple of days ago at a shopping mall likely quite close by Build-A-Bear Workshop started selling official Star Wars plushies, bear costumes and accessories. Let us ponder the evil gift possibilities.
Build-A-Bear used to be a place I stopped by now and then when a limited edition figure from a favorite animated series was released, but a recent birthday gift for my younger sister changed the way I look at these tiny plushie factories. In a random Facebook comment I mentioned jokingly that I was getting her a murder dog to celebrate the anniversary of her escaping my mother’s womb. She latched onto this fictional creature, and so I had to build one.
I chose a default tan dog, added the roaring sound chip for Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon and outfitted him in a pair of black rubber boots to keep his feet from getting covered in blood. Verifying that she is indeed my sister, she knew what the boots were for immediately “Oh how cute! Boots to keep his feet from getting bloody!”
Sure, you could just buy one of the pre-configured Star Wars bears for the fan in your life. I’m sure they’d appreciate another Star Wars thing for their shelf because that’s the only thing you’ve bothered learning about them and don’t realize what a complex and layered person they are.
Or you could get creative. Here are a few suggestions.
- Take the bear with the Star Wars logo plastered all over it. Dress it in the Elsa dress from Frozen. Finish it off with a Spider-Man hat and black rubber boots to keep off the blood. It’s a Disney mash-up!
- Purchase the most feminine-looking bear you can find—perhaps one of the new, unfortunately-named Honey Girls collection. Add the Darth Vadar mask and sound chip and black rubber boots to keep off the blood.
- Get any of the pre-configured Star Wars characters, but substitute the sound chip with the theme song from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Buy one sound chip for each limb. Don’t forget the black rubber boots to keep off the blood.
- Jedi Robe, lightsaber and any non-Star Wars plushie in the store. Jedi dragon. Jedi snowman. Jedi mutant ninja turtle. Or just box up the robe, the lightsaber and black rubber boots to keep off the blood and tell the recipient it’s Obi-Wan from the end of episode five.
- Standard bear + blond wig + lightsaber = Amy Schumer.
- Buy the mini Ewok plushie and tear it open before wrapping. Maybe spatter it with red paint. Try not to get any on your feet.
Or come up with your own combination of stuffed animals, accessories and black rubber boots and share it in the comments! Together we can put an end to unimaginative Star Wars gifts and briefly entertain a bored and child-plagued mall shop employee.