Hidden under Splatoon 2‘s fresh gear and multiplayer madness is an outrageous backstory. Nintendo has done a fantastic job of releasing free content for the gamesâ online offerings, but their newest DLC is all about the single player struggle and adding some ridiculous plot twists to the colorful franchise.
The original Splatoon used its hidden Sunken Scrolls to help dedicated players piece together the the Inklingsâ sordid past. Analyzing all of the scrolls led to some interesting (and disturbing) conclusions. The most important of which being:
Humans are long dead thanks to rising sea levels, and itâs been roughly 12,000 years since they were sent to their watery grave.
Sea creatures evolved into the dominant lifeforms and eventually took to the land, with squids (Inklings) and octopi (Octarians) taking the lead.
After fighting over this new land, the Inklings eventually forced the Octarians underground.
Judd the cat, who helps judge the Splatoon turf wars, is 2,000 years old and pretty much immortal.
The Sunken Scrolls returned in Splatoon 2âs single player mode, but didnât give players any more history regarding the demise of mankind or the beef between the Inkling and Octarian factions. The single player storyline was also almost identical to the first game, and didnât establish any kind of new enemy or setting. A bit disappointing, considering all the weird directions the gameâs creators could have taken the story.
As it turns out, they were saving most of the weirdness for Splatoon 2‘s first paid DLC.
The Octo Expansion is the first time the Splatoon series has allowed players to control the Inklingsâ mortal enemy. The story begins with an Octarian teen, often referred to as an âoctoling,â waking up deep underground without a clue as to who it is or how it got there. The octoling soon teams up with opposition leader Captain Cuttlefish (a feisty old-timer from the first gameâs story) to try and find a way back to the surface.
Before devising such a feat, Cuttlefish and your octoling character are introduced to a overly-enthusiastic telephone found in an underground subway station. The mysterious phone speaks of âthe promise land,â claiming that if the octoling (now known as Agent 8) wants to be free, theyâll have to locate four holy relics.
It all has a very creepy cult vibe, and itâs immediately apparent that this phone is going to play some kind of devious role in the fate of Agent 8’s story.
With this knowledge, Cuttlefish and Agent 8 hop on the nearest subway car and head off to different stations in search of the relics, humorously dubbed âThe Four Thangs.â This is the bulk of Octo Expansionâs content, and consists of 80 individual challenges. Each victory leads players further down a subway line and nets them an adorable âmem cakeâ for their troubles. The challenges can be pretty intense, but itâs not necessary to complete them all to find the relics youâre after.
Upon acquiring a thang or two it becomes quite obvious that something is amiss.
Yeah. Youâre definitely building a giant blender.
Once all four thangs have been reunited, Mr. Murder Phone will ask if the player is âready to ascend to a higher plane of existenceâ and if they are âwilling to become something greater than [themself].â At which point, as predicted, he attempts to blend Agent 8 and Captain Cuttlefish into a fine purĂ©e.
Luckily, Agent 3 (who has been missing since the events of the first game) bursts through the ceiling just in time to destroy the blender and foil that nasty phone. What ensues is basically a race to the surface through various Octarian facilities and beyond a battle with a now-brainwashed Agent 3.
Thereâs a terribly old creepypasta that originated on 4chan, purposely written in crude english, that describes a boyfriend being called by his girlfriendâs father, only to find out his girlfriendâs father is dead. This paragraph of a story ends in the classic meme question â THEN WHO WAS PHONE? And at this point in the Octo Expansion storyline, we can finally answer that age old inquiry.
Turns out phone was Commander Tartar. An ancient form of AI programed 12,000 years ago by *drum roll* a human professor. This well-intentioned machine was built to pass on all of mankindâs greatest knowledge to a worthy successor. Unfortunately, the Inklings and the Octarians just arenât cutting it. Itâs for this reason the Commander has devised a plan to create some new and improved primordial ooze from the DNA of the best and brightest squids, kids, and other sea life.
Since most self-aware lifeforms arenât too keen on having their genetics extracted, Tartar feels it would easier if they were simply wiped out. And wouldnât you know it, olâ foamy phone just so happens to have a giant solar-powered humanoid statue head armed with a deadly laser. You know, so he can destroy the unworthy society that is Inkopolis.
But hold on.
Letâs just stop and appreciate how devastatingly dark and twisted the storyline of this E10+ Nintendo game has become.
The main villain is a genocidal robot, created by a seemingly well-meaning human, who is hellbent on obliterating an entire city he has deemed unfit for existence.
I mean… wow.
The fact that he tried to chop up the main character into little bits so he could harvest their DNA was also a tad much.
Thereâs no doubt Commander Tartar deserves a spot near the top of gamingâs most hardcore villains. The fact that he comes from such a vibrant and lighthearted game just makes his barbaric and over-the-top plot that much more sinister.
Of course, with help from the idol duo Pearl and Marina, players can thwart Commander Tartarâs enormous laser cannon and save the day. All they have to do is cover the entire statue in a layer of sun-blocking paint before it has time to charge.
And if they donât… well…
Everyone dies!
I canât wait for Splatoon 3.
