While the ultimate showdown between DC Comics’ iconic heroes doesn’t hit theaters until Friday, the battle begins now, in your mouth.
Originally published 1/30/16, brought back to prepare you for what’s to come.
Or in my mouth, unless you want to run out to your local purveyor of fine breakfast grains and pick up a couple boxes of General Mills’ movie tie-in cereal. Just look for the boxes that look like the chests of fictional characters.
In this corner we have Superman, the Man of Steel, the Last Son of Krypton. His cereal is golden like the rays of the yellow son that grant him powers far beyond those of mortal men.
And in this corner Batman, the Dark Knight, the Caped Crusader, the Unfortunate Orphan. His cereal is dark and rich with a hint of red berries, like the back alley behind a movie theater. They should have included round marshmallows to simulate a broken string of pearls. Maybe a couple shaped like a young boy’s tears.
The back of each box challenges asks eaters to pick a side, outlining the core differences between these two legendary heroes. Also it includes social media links, because that’s how choosing a side works these days. If my wife and I ever get divorced the social media campaign asking my children to pick a side is going to be epic #DadReviewsVideoGames.
But there is one power stronger than social media—the power of taste.
Batman’s cereal is dark with cocoa powder, and that darkness comes through in every bite. This is Frank Miller cereal, rich with intrigue and black as night. The strawberry flavor, like all attempts to add light to the Dark Knight’s grim world, dies quickly. Soon all that is left is a bitter aftertaste and swirling milky gloom.
Superman’s cereal is bright with hope from the moment the box is opened. This is because Superman’s caramel crunch cereal is essentially reshaped Caramel Popcorn Cap’n Crunch, one of the best weapons in the good Cap’n’s arsenal. This is Grant Morrison’s All-Star Superman, powerful yet mellow with an otherworldly aura and a smooth, almost buttery aftertaste.
I don’t know how the battle between Batman and Superman will play out in theaters. I kind of doubt it will play out at all, what with all the Wonder Woman and Lex Luthor and Doomsday they’ve got to deal with. That battle is up, up in the air.
The battle for our mouths is already won by truth, justice and the caramel popcorn way.
Snacktaku is Kotaku’s take on the wild and wonderful world of eating things, but not eating meals. Eating meals is for those with too much time on their hands.