Screenshot: The Sims (EA)

If you’re playing a straight female Sim in The Sims 4, finding someone to date can be difficult. Many of the pre-made Sims are either taken or not that cute, and if you take a chance on a randomly generated Sim, you might end up with a hotheaded slob who hates kids. Luckily, you can peruse the Sims 4's Gallery to find more eligible bachelors, all dreamed up by members of the Sims community. I took a look at what’s on offer.

Before I get all judgmental about my few options, let me just say up front that my taste in men is horrible. My taste in women is, in my opinion, impeccable. Who doesn’t love a mean looking brunette? Kristen Stewart, I’m looking at you. But my taste in men can be summed up as, “the more he looks like he sleeps in his car, the more I want him.” This has mystified my friends and family for years. Maybe they would rather see me with one of the sims in the “hot guy” hashtag in the Sims 4's Gallery.

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Screenshot: The Sims (EA)

Take the above Sim, for example. This is not just the most popular man in that hashtag, but the most popular downloadable Sim of all time. Eager simmers have put him in their games millions of times. To me, he looks like a guy you could pick up at any gas station in America. In other words, he’s forgettable and not my type. Now, if only he’d been living in a car at said gas station, in which case he’d look scruffier, sexier, and far more worrying to my friends and family.

I can understand most of the trends in “hot guys” on the gallery, even if they’re not my thing. There’s men with floppy Bieber hair and guys who look like surfers. I’m not attracted to them, but those are at least genres of men that are distinct and have a hook to them. One’s sensitive, another is carefree, both of them probably smoke weed. I get it! But for the most part, the hot guys that simmers download most frequently are diametrically opposed to my own desires. They either look like Generic Gas Station Guy…

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Screenshot: The Sims (EA)

Or, they look like Patrick fucking Bateman. This guy looks like he’s one business card away from putting on a raincoat and murdering me:

Screenshot: The Sims (EA)

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Human sexuality is bizarre, and when The Sims holds up a mirror to it and reflects it back through the uncanny lens of its facsimiles of human life, that bizarreness becomes all the more clear. The Sims gives us all the chance to hand-select a perfect mate (or even design one ourselves), which means we all have to actually, you know, think about what a perfect mate would be like. I know I don’t like the most popular “hot guys” in the gallery, so... what do I like?

Scrolling through the Sims gallery has shown me that I have no idea, and I only feel more alienated by looking at the things that other people want and realizing it’s not for me. All of these Sims have the “Romantic” trait, which means that if they go a while without performing a Romantic interaction, they get stressed. In other words, they’re fuckboys, looking to put their dick inside someone or something indiscriminately. Or, if not that, then they’re the kind of claustrophobic lovers that can’t let you go to the bathroom without kissing you goodbye.

Maybe I’m too picky. It seems like most people who play The Sims 4 are content with a guy with a highly manicured beard that wants to kiss you all the time. I always say that I don’t want to be bored when I’m dating, and that most people are boring. One person’s “boring” is another person’s “reliable,” though, and I get that. It’s just not for me.

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I realized that when I finally chanced upon a Sim I found attractive and realized it was a Sim of Jughead Jones from the CW show Riverdale.

Screenshot: The Sims (EA)

In case you don’t watch Riverdale, this is Jughead Jones’ whole deal:

Screenshot: Riverdale (The CW)

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Did I mention he lives in a trailer (when he’s not homeless), drives a motorcycle, and spends all his free time loitering at a diner writing a deliciously overwritten book? Yeah. All the puzzle pieces about the men I like are just sliding into place.

I thought I’d learn something about other people by looking at the Sims they want their own Sims to bone. Mostly I reconfirmed something I already know about myself: I have trash taste in the opposite sex, and frankly, I should just buy a big dick from the store. As for my Sim, I’ve decided to set her up with Kristen Stewart.