Today’s Pokémon Direct brought us a slew of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet news, and of course within that were glimpses of some freshly revealed Generation IX monsters. The stand-out being the inexplicable Fidough, a cute little puppy that’s seemingly...uncooked bread?
So what do we know about this carb-based lifeform? We know they’re from the Paldea region, that they’re Fairy type, and perhaps most of all, we can be sure they’re a very good boy.
Except. “Fidough’s moist, smooth skin has elastic qualities and is both firm and soft at the same time,” begins the chill-inducing description in Nintendo’s official press release. No. No no, not “moist,” never “moist.”
Today’s presentation described it as, “delightfully squishy Pokémon that are smooth to the touch.” There’s nothing I like about that sentence either. They sound like those Squishies toys that were a short-lived rage a few years back. Are they scented, too? Can you squish them all up tiny and they re-expand? Or would that knock all the air out of a Fidough, and you’d have to leave it to prove for another hour and a half?
The press release continues (and I warn you, it does not get better), “When these Pokémon become excited, they intimidate their opponents by puffing up their bodies to appear bigger. Fidough ferments things in its vicinity using the yeast in its breath. The yeast is useful for cooking, so this Pokémon has been protected by people since long ago.”
What the actual. It just ferments stuff? Because of...because of the yeast...in its breath? That’s...that’s thrush. This puppy has thrush.
Look, I can’t pretend to be OK with edible-looking Pokémon. Last time we ended up with the delicious-looking LeChonk, a pig-like ‘mon that would go well in...well, it would go well in a freshly baked Fidough, right? Hot-diggity-dog.
It’s only been a little over an hour after the latest trailer, but already the pup is proving to be a hit with fan artists who are excited about Fidough. Perhaps they don’t know about the yeast?
We also learned today about the Paldean Form Wooper, which lives on the land, and, um, “covers its body with a poisonous film.” It’s swapping Water type for Poison, while keeping Ground, this version purple instead of blue, and with bone rather than spine-shaped appendages poking from its head.
And there’s Cetitan, an angry-looking Tera Whale Pokémon, Ice type, who appears to focus on hefty physical attacks, using the horrendously-named Thick Fat and Slush Rush abilities.
I’m sorry if you came here for coverage of the unbelievably cute-looking bread-dog, and instead received the news that it’s both “moist and smooth”, and suffers from an oral yeast infection. This is not my responsibility. I just report the facts.