In the wake of yesterday’s news that Final Fantasy XV will get patches to add cutscenes and fill in some plot holes, we started thinking: What if older Final Fantasy games got patches, too?
Surely there are some things about old Final Fantasy games we could go back and fix, George Lucas style? Let’s brainstorm.
Final Fantasy
Patch to add new cutscene explaining how Garland turned into Chaos
Patch to add new cutscene explaining that Garland is secretly the father of the four heroes
Patch to add new cutscene explaining that the Circle of Sages are all soulless clones from the moon
Patch to add new cutscene explaining that the true Four Fiends were inside us all along
Patch to add new belts to Garland and Chaos
Patch to add new hairstyles to all characters
Final Fantasy IV
Patch to get Kain to just chill
Patch that makes Edward die for real
Patch to let you drive the Giant of Babel and do, like, robot punches and shit
Patch to erase all memories that The After Years ever happened
Final Fantasy VI
Patch to let Locke steal clothing from any character in the game
Patch to replace every line of dialogue with “Son of a submariner!”
Patch explaining where Banon went in the World of Ruin
Patch expanding the Opera House performance to be a more realistic 3-4 hours
Patch to make it clearer that magicite might look cute but it’s actually the remnants of dead espers and that when you use it, you’re literally sucking energy out of an esper’s corpse. Maybe add screams?
Final Fantasy VII
Patch to add detailed cutscenes during chocobo breeding
Patch to add mini-game where you play as a Shinra executive who’s just trying to feed his family, only to get murdered by those terrorists at Avalanche
Patch to replace the entire combat system with the slap battle between Tifa and Scarlet
Patch to replace the entire game with the slap battle between Tifa and Scarlet
Patch to revive Aeris
Patch to kill Aeris again
Final Fantasy VIII
…whatever…
Final Fantasy IX
Patch to turn Tetra Master into Triple Triad
Patch to give Amarant a personality
Patch to give Quina less of a personality
Patch that replaces Necron’s speech with an apology from the developers explaining that they ran out of time and couldn’t think of a final boss
Patch to let you just yank Zidane’s tail every once in a while
Final Fantasy X
Patch to make lightning dodging harder, just for kicks
Patch to add Blitzball Commissioner that doles out random player suspensions, enacts arbitrary rule changes, and pretends to care about concussions
Patch to make Tidus laugh more often
Final Fantasy XII
Patch to make you believe Ondore’s lies
Patch to put giant signs on the Zodiac Spear chests saying “DON’T OPEN THESE CHESTS”
Patch to replace Vaan with Balthier
Patch to replace entire game with Balthier
Final Fantasy XIII:
Patch to remove Hope
Patch to remove Vanille
Patch to remove Final Fantasy XIII
Final Fantasy XIV:
Patch to remove monthly subscription, I mean for real I’ve been paying $15/month for like six months without actually playing the game but I don’t want to cancel because it’s really good yet I have no idea why I’m still paying, I mean what the hell man
