In the wake of yesterday’s news that Final Fantasy XV will get patches to add cutscenes and fill in some plot holes, we started thinking: What if older Final Fantasy games got patches, too?
Surely there are some things about old Final Fantasy games we could go back and fix, George Lucas style? Let’s brainstorm.
Final Fantasy
- Patch to add new cutscene explaining how Garland turned into Chaos
- Patch to add new cutscene explaining that Garland is secretly the father of the four heroes
- Patch to add new cutscene explaining that the Circle of Sages are all soulless clones from the moon
- Patch to add new cutscene explaining that the true Four Fiends were inside us all along
- Patch to add new belts to Garland and Chaos
- Patch to add new hairstyles to all characters
Final Fantasy IV
- Patch to get Kain to just chill
- Patch that makes Edward die for real
- Patch to let you drive the Giant of Babel and do, like, robot punches and shit
- Patch to erase all memories that The After Years ever happened
Final Fantasy VI
- Patch to let Locke steal clothing from any character in the game
- Patch to replace every line of dialogue with “Son of a submariner!”
- Patch explaining where Banon went in the World of Ruin
- Patch expanding the Opera House performance to be a more realistic 3-4 hours
- Patch to make it clearer that magicite might look cute but it’s actually the remnants of dead espers and that when you use it, you’re literally sucking energy out of an esper’s corpse. Maybe add screams?
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Final Fantasy VII
- Patch to add detailed cutscenes during chocobo breeding
- Patch to add mini-game where you play as a Shinra executive who’s just trying to feed his family, only to get murdered by those terrorists at Avalanche
- Patch to replace the entire combat system with the slap battle between Tifa and Scarlet
- Patch to replace the entire game with the slap battle between Tifa and Scarlet
- Patch to revive Aeris
- Patch to kill Aeris again
Final Fantasy VIII
- ...whatever...
Final Fantasy IX
- Patch to turn Tetra Master into Triple Triad
- Patch to give Amarant a personality
- Patch to give Quina less of a personality
- Patch that replaces Necron’s speech with an apology from the developers explaining that they ran out of time and couldn’t think of a final boss
- Patch to let you just yank Zidane’s tail every once in a while
Final Fantasy X
- Patch to make lightning dodging harder, just for kicks
- Patch to add Blitzball Commissioner that doles out random player suspensions, enacts arbitrary rule changes, and pretends to care about concussions
- Patch to make Tidus laugh more often
Final Fantasy XII
- Patch to make you believe Ondore’s lies
- Patch to put giant signs on the Zodiac Spear chests saying “DON’T OPEN THESE CHESTS”
- Patch to replace Vaan with Balthier
- Patch to replace entire game with Balthier
Final Fantasy XIII:
- Patch to remove Hope
- Patch to remove Vanille
- Patch to remove Final Fantasy XIII
Final Fantasy XIV:
- Patch to remove monthly subscription, I mean for real I’ve been paying $15/month for like six months without actually playing the game but I don’t want to cancel because it’s really good yet I have no idea why I’m still paying, I mean what the hell man
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