Next week, YouTuber of suicide forest infamy Logan Paul will step into the ring for his first-ever boxing match against marginally more experienced YouTuber-turned-boxer KSI. The fight will be hilariously bad. So of course, people are already talking about Paul’s promising future as a UFC fighter.
It all began last week when Paul told TMZ that he hopes to keep the combat sports train right on a-rolling after he and KSI play sloppy, big-gloved patty cake for however many rounds it takes for them to both get tired.
“I want to fight a UFC fighter,” he said. “I’ve done athletics my whole life... Dana White, are you watching this, bro? Pick a fight for me.”
CM Punk, a nearly 40-year-old former WWE superstar who’s fought in the octagon against one relative newcomer and one photojournalist and lost by embarrassing massacre both times, is a viable option according to Logan. His brother Jake also suggested former two-division champion turned professional boat philosopher Conor McGregor, to which Paul responded that that a match with McGregor is his ultimate goal. He’s gotta prove himself against a 39-year-old non-fighter first, though.
None of this will ever happen, even in today’s “money fight”-obsessed UFC that recently paired two-division champion Daniel Cormier against a busted doping cheat who hasn’t officially won a fight since 2010 in Brock Lesnar. And yet, people are entertaining the idea of Logan Paul joining the world’s foremost MMA promotion, because the summer is hot and boring, and I guess they don’t have anything better to do. Faze Sensei, a martial artist and trainer who’s part of esports organization Faze Clan, has said he thinks there’s a very real chance that Paul will end up in the UFC, and that he could be a “monster.” UFC welterweight champion Tyron Woodley voiced doubt that Paul could even handle CM Punk, but conceded that his experience with high school wrestling and now boxing could be big assets.
All that said, I’ve hand-picked a list of fights that I think would be perfect for Paul given his age, level of experience, and combat sports background. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. CM Punk: Pretty self-explanatory at this point, though I’m honestly not sure who would win this fight.
3. Knife crab: No human alive wins this fight, least of all Logan Paul.
4. 1/19388374347473854858372th of a Goku: Still probably not a fair fight.
5. The entire nation of Japan: If there’s any justice in the universe, this fight will happen.
6. The YouTube algorithm: This fight is arguably already happening, and Logan will eventually lose in devastating fashion.
7. Father time: See “the YouTube algorithm.”
8. Milkshake duck: See “father time” and “the YouTube algorithm.”
9. Getting hit by a tree that falls on him while he’s turning somebody else’s personal tragedy into content
10. Jake Paul: Whoever loses, everybody wins.