Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

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"It's like watching paint dry." What's that like, exactly? Thanks to our team of crack image manipulators rising to the challenge of creating the most horrible simulation game, now we know.

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Workmanship always counts, but sometimes it counts a whole lot less. In the case of last week's 'Shop Contest, I was really looking for minimal effort — take an image, toss some text on to it, and bingo. No entry embraced that spirit as well as JAMS Paint Drying Simulator.

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JAMS won because I was overwhelmed by this piece's composition. There's so little of it. I love it.

JAMS also won because I couldn't place a giant vagina on top of the home page. That, and I am finally enforcing the 636 pixel wide rule — with so many excellent entries to go through, I really can't waste time resizing. Keep that in mind as we scroll through this week's other winners.

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arniejolt — sadly I cannot top the site with a giant vagina.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Voltaire Crescent — hey now.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Monochrome — if only they'd listen.

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My other car was the other woman — for persistence.

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Contrarianator — for making me click all over the place, trying to back the image.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

azureguy — because it's not working.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Ravek — for the pickles.

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U.I. 2.0 — even though this is a real game.

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Greg Dwyer — because I want this for my kids, as punishment for buying things on Amazon.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Mac46 — because I want to store pudding in the controller.

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Comabear — just the one hand?

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Nosek — hopefully this mention will help pay rent somehow.

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Liquid-X: I would have also accepted The Elder Scrolls Online review simulator.

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chamoo232 — even though I don't get it...just a normal human male with his family.

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PrivateNewbie — for as little work possible for a laugh.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Kaiochi — because it's basically true.

Image for article titled Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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bjoern45 — for getting us all killed.

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GiantBoyDetective — for not insulting anyone at all!

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Lestricon — just to piss off Yannick.

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Courtdog — because I am hungry.

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Chigachow — because adding text totally counts.

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WordsWithSam: because I have no idea what's Happening. Get it?

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DethDonald — and then he got Her PS3.

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Hero of Time 231: because i like the use of empty space.

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YesReally199: just in case he didn't catch enough flack already.

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LeonardoBob: because this looks like more fun than actually opening boxes.

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MrDeadScott: because we really need this game.

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Exovedate: mainly because there were three versions with a changelog.

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bafarlamu11 — this seems about right.

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Dargor: PhotoShop Infinite.

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Chrury Sanson: because the blue skies really do make the sim game.

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greatpaperclip: because I worked phone support for six years. Still have nightmares.

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Seita: for appealing to my carnal nature.

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Eclebright: ow ow ow ow ow.

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chiefnoah: for being nice about it. And maybe spelling browser wrong.

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Tasty Whale: for reminding me about Fake Gamer of the Week. *sniff*

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Elyzian Fields: for finding this photo.

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Orionsangel: because I'd play this more than I actually wash dishes.

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ThePendragon: O.O

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Steven_Spectre: sitting in a horrible place doing nothing has never felt so real.

and of course...

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JAMS — for the win.

DISCUSSION

By
Lozzle

LEAVE LIGHTNING ALONE!