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Kotaku 'Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

"It's like watching paint dry." What's that like, exactly? Thanks to our team of crack image manipulators rising to the challenge of creating the most horrible simulation game, now we know.

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Workmanship always counts, but sometimes it counts a whole lot less. In the case of last week's 'Shop Contest, I was really looking for minimal effort — take an image, toss some text on to it, and bingo. No entry embraced that spirit as well as JAMS Paint Drying Simulator.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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JAMS won because I was overwhelmed by this piece's composition. There's so little of it. I love it.

JAMS also won because I couldn't place a giant vagina on top of the home page. That, and I am finally enforcing the 636 pixel wide rule — with so many excellent entries to go through, I really can't waste time resizing. Keep that in mind as we scroll through this week's other winners.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

arniejolt — sadly I cannot top the site with a giant vagina.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Voltaire Crescent — hey now.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Monochrome — if only they'd listen.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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My other car was the other woman — for persistence.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Contrarianator — for making me click all over the place, trying to back the image.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!

azureguy — because it's not working.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Ravek — for the pickles.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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U.I. 2.0 — even though this is a real game.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Greg Dwyer — because I want this for my kids, as punishment for buying things on Amazon.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Mac46 — because I want to store pudding in the controller.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Comabear — just the one hand?

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Nosek — hopefully this mention will help pay rent somehow.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Liquid-X: I would have also accepted The Elder Scrolls Online review simulator.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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chamoo232 — even though I don't get it...just a normal human male with his family.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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PrivateNewbie — for as little work possible for a laugh.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Kaiochi — because it's basically true.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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bjoern45 — for getting us all killed.

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GiantBoyDetective — for not insulting anyone at all!

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Lestricon — just to piss off Yannick.

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Courtdog — because I am hungry.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Chigachow — because adding text totally counts.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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WordsWithSam: because I have no idea what's Happening. Get it?

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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DethDonald — and then he got Her PS3.

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Hero of Time 231: because i like the use of empty space.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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YesReally199: just in case he didn't catch enough flack already.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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LeonardoBob: because this looks like more fun than actually opening boxes.

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MrDeadScott: because we really need this game.

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Exovedate: mainly because there were three versions with a changelog.

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bafarlamu11 — this seems about right.

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Dargor: PhotoShop Infinite.

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Chrury Sanson: because the blue skies really do make the sim game.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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greatpaperclip: because I worked phone support for six years. Still have nightmares.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Seita: for appealing to my carnal nature.

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Eclebright: ow ow ow ow ow.

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chiefnoah: for being nice about it. And maybe spelling browser wrong.

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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Tasty Whale: for reminding me about Fake Gamer of the Week. *sniff*

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Elyzian Fields: for finding this photo.

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Orionsangel: because I'd play this more than I actually wash dishes.

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ThePendragon: O.O

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Steven_Spectre: sitting in a horrible place doing nothing has never felt so real.

and of course...

Illustration for article titled emKotaku/em Shop Contest Simulator 2014: The Winners!
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JAMS — for the win.

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