So many amazingly horrific entries in last week’s “food”-themed ‘Shop Contest, but the winner is a simple, iconic image of Link from The Legend of Zelda playing the lovely “Song of Ass Storms.”

All we wanted to do was show the folks in charge of Hot Pockets marketing how to properly tie their product in with video games. They weren’t doing it correctly, and I figured we could help.

SeaBeastRising certainly helped. One can almost believe an elf-eared child from a fantasy land could nibble on one of these horrible things without instantly dropping dead. Lovely job!

Enjoy it while you can. It’s all pretty much downhill from here. No dicks, but at least one man obscuring—yeah, we’ll say that—obscuring his dick with a Hot Pocket. I would stress that neither I nor this contest are affiliated with Hot Pockets in any was, but I’ll just let the image of one getting nailed by a video game character speak for itself.


This was a great idea.

This Week’s Lukewarm Pockets


jtotheoel — for something worse than two girls, one roach.

FluidIce — for what is strangely the most suggestive shop of the contest.


Lector — for the best of many Kojima shops.

moominsean — for making it all sexy


Stannis Baratheon’s Red Pen — for requiring Kinect

Mac Ataak — because the similarities are uncanny.


Mrichston — for getting so much horror in one image.

Berserkerrr — Fatality.


LiveatColdRice — because this image is beautiful.

uscg_pa — because this makes a lot of sense.


abracadaniel — probably would have won had he just posted the image instead of being all coy!

kokken — for being all sneaky.


shinnen — there are other places to buy Amiibo, people!

99Typhoons — just for “become even legender”.


Slappyslap — for being all mean at Activision.

slicedgeek — because it toally counts as sandvich.


Ginger Snap — it’s dangerous to eat that.

skibum232 — because 8-bit Hot Pockets are indeed the stuff of nightmares.


MrDeadScott — for giving Gearbox bad ideas.

Cartoonivore — for adding the Rumble Pak.


Megakay — for being more nutrition conscious.

Xbattousai666 — for referencing The Core, of all things.


Fizziks — but you don’t bake Hot Pockets...or did you mean something else?

Andrew — for killing us softly from inside.


Ganonthegreat1 — for killing our childhood friends and making us eat them.

Zedrue — because I have no clue.

And of course...


SeaBeastRising — for the win!

I have no idea where to go from here. Join us later this evening for our next ‘Shop Contest, Different Shades Of Green.