Kotaku Off Topic: A Friend For Blech Beard

Illustration for article titled Kotaku Off Topic: A Friend For Blech Beard

Hey, it's Kotaku Off Topic, where we... aww, you're probably playing Halo 2 on Xbox Live right now, aren't you? Getting in those last few hours worth of original Xbox games. Fine, we'll do tonight's anything goes discussion without you!


Hey, humans. Got any suggestions for artwork to liven up Kotaku Towers West? All I have in this mustard yellow room is a terrible mess and one Madballs lithograph to brighten things up. I've been on the hunt for new prints, photographs and other things to hang upon these bare walls, but suggestions for fine, frame-worthy art are welcome.

No suggestions? Just want to read some things on the internet and chat about other nerdy pursuits? Then carry on.


Tonight. I'm gonna talk about baseball. I love the Cubs.

I love the Bears.

I love the Bulls.

I love the Blackhawks.

White Sox still happen to be shitty though.

Anyway. Back to the Cubs.

So we're 4-4. That's not a good start. Though it's more than you can say about the Mets or the Lastros. Even the Boo-hoo Crew.

See: Here's our problem. We signed Alfonso "I gotta jump every time the ball comes my way" Soriano to eight years. Yeah. The first three were nice. Then what? We got shat on by this guy. Horrible defense. Horrible bat. When he slumps, his batting average is smaller than John Lovitz from "The Critic." This guy needs to get traded. Soon.

Second off. We could've had Vernon Wells this year, for Milton "I tear my ACL in the dumbest way possible" Bradley. What the fuck is Jim Hendry doing? Let's get rid of DeRosa. Let's get rid of Marquis. Let's get Milton Bradley. Let's not trade him for Vernon Wells. Let's trade away Ronny Cedeno. Let's trade away Greg Maddux. Let's trade away Sean Gallagher. Let's Trade away Kevin Hart. Let's trade away a bunch of young guys who are doing great for us for old fucks who can't do shit. Let's bring in Kevin Gregg, that guy doesn't suck at all.


Yes, I know Gregg is doing good (for the moment), though once Wood left (which is stupid that we let him go as well), the job was Marmol's. No need for a new closer...anyway...

Ahem. Needless to say, our problems are: Middle Relief, Second Base, Fourth/Fifth in the pitching rotation.

Middle Relief: Esmailin Caridad and John Grabow are the new Aaron Heilman's/Latroy Hawkins this year. These guys are horrible. We would be 7-1 if it weren't for these jerks. Sean Marshall has finally accepted his obscurity in the starting lineup and has embraced middle relief and has become a machine. We just need ONE more guy. That's it!

Second Base: I like Fontenot. Don't get me wrong. Dude isn't equipped to play 162 games though. DeRo was perfect for this spot because he could play if ARam or Kosuke was out. Hell he could even fill in for Soriano if they needed him to. DeRo was our answer to second base and he's gone now. We need to accept that. Point is Jim Hendry needs to take his head out of his ass and grab someone good and NOT unload him.

Edit: HOLY SHIT! I Didn't even talk about 4th/5th in the rotation! Dempster, Randy Wells, and Lilly (when he gets back) will be great! I don't know about Z. But Carlos Silva? You kidding me? Gorzellany should keep that spot when Lilly comes back because I trust him more than Silva OR Zambrano for that matter.

Left Field: Soriano is slowly moving from "Sucks" to "Blows." His defensive performance today was proof of that. Dude needs to pick up a science book and stop acting like a jackass. Learn plate discipline, yo. You had it those first two years. You're not Randall fucking Simon. Be patient and swing at what you know you can hit, stop hopping for every damn fly ball, AND START PLAYING WELL. Xavier Nady could very well take your place right now and I would not give a shit. "B-B-BUT THE LACK OF OUTFIIIELDERS." Bullshit. We'll call up our good friends Micah Hoffpauir and Reed Johnson. Point is if Soriano is going to be playing like a douchebag, yank him out of there.


So. Bulls over Cavs? I'm calling it here. Hawks win it all. I'm calling that here too. Bears? Uhhh...Craig Steltz (if given the damn chance) will be a pro-bowl safety. TOTALLY calling that here.