If you’re a Kotaku regular, you’re likely familiar with our long-running Here’s Another Pokémon series, curated by our stalwart weekend editor, Zack Zweizen. Zack’s taking some well-earned time off this weekend, which means I’m taking the reins today. (Sorry in advance, but also, cue maniacal laughter.) That also means I’m in charge of showing you another Pokémon.
Zack, albeit a noted fan of the Pokémon Extended Universe, does not play a ton of Pokémon. I do. Today, I’d like to spread the gospel of the very best one, like no one ever was: Jolteon.
Type: Electric / Awesome
Average Height: 2’ 07”
Average Weight: 54.0 lbs.
First introduced in Generation I
You might immediately recognize Jolteon as a second-stage evolution of Eevee, a sickeningly cute runt of a Pokémon that got its own game in 2018. Though there are approximately one metric infinity Eevee evolutions by now, Jolteon, an electric-type Pokémon, can count itself among the original trio, alongside the water-type Vaporeon and the fire-type Flareon. You can evolve an Eevee into a Jolteon at any point by giving it a Thunder Stone.
There’s no reason to wait, as Jolteon is shockingly powerful. In addition to debatably overpowered speed and special attack stats, Bulbapedia says that Jolteon can “discharge 10,000-volt lightning bolts.” Let’s just put that in perspective. According to the National Automotive Parts Association, car batteries generally clock in at around 12 volts. In other words, Jolteon could power up the batteries of [does math, hopefully correctly] 833 cars, also known as the exact number of vehicles clogging up Canal Street at 5:00 p.m. on any given summer Friday.
Jolteon’s chill as hell, though, and would clearly prioritize affordable, accessible transit options over mindless obedience to America’s entrenched car culture.
Sheer awesomeness aside, Jolteon hits, for me, on a more personal level. Pokémon players will instantly get this, but, you know your rival? I’m not talking about the in-game dweeb. I’m talking about the real-world one: the one you constantly battle with, the one who you force to get the opposite version so you can trade for all of the Pokémon of that generation. Most everyone has one. Mine happened to be my childhood best friend, and we kept up the rivalry for nearly a decade.
Jolteon anchored my team. His was spearheaded by a Gengar. More often than not, our battles would come down to those two final Pokémon. Jolteon was faster than Gengar, but Gengar could take out Jolteon with one hit. If I couldn’t land Thunder—a powerful move with a 70-percent hit rate—I was screwed. Some matches, he’d trick me by equipping Gengar with an item that prevented it from fainting in one hit, so even my successful hits wouldn’t do the trick. I’d counter with a paralyzing attack, which then opened a whole other can of worms in a never-ending game of chance.
It carried on like this for literal years, an IRL version of Gary and Ash—through middle school, through high school, into college (well, on the rare long weekends that allowed for visits). We ported, if memory serves correctly, our original Jolteon and Gengar from generation III up through generation VI. And then, one day, he couldn’t find his game. He’d lost it. RIP to Gengar, a real one.
Over the years, we kept track of our wins and losses. At the end, it stood at 68–68. (Don’t worry. No real bad blood here. We’re still thick as thieves.) Life moves apace, right, and it’s so often the joys of childhood that get left by the wayside.
Anyway, you might, at this point, be justifiably wondering if I co-opted Zack’s weekly feature for the express purpose of finally settling a seemingly impossible-to-settle schoolyard rivalry, to which I can only say: Pffft, please.
- Jolteon is harder than Gengar.
- Jolteon is better than Gengar.
- Jolteon is faster than Gengar.
- Jolteon is stronger than Gengar.
“Despite loving the hell out of koalas I never could bear (haha, get it?) to put this one on my team.”
-Legless Legolas’ LEGO Lass
A truly electrifying play on words.
Here’s Another Pokemon is a weekly look into one Pokemon and how weird, disturbing, silly, or cool it is and why. Catch new entries each weekend and click here to see all of the past Pokemon we have covered.