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I Love Having My Own Spaceship In Video Games (And In Real Life)

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Here’s a good way to win me over in both real life and in video games: Give me a damn spaceship. If you did, you’d find that the majority of my complaints against your considerable flaws (we all have them, except Toad, who is the best) would disappear. Because I now have a spaceship, and I can leave your dusty ass on this earth whenever I please.

While many of you have failed me in this regard, video games have not. This fall, two of them gave me a spaceship: The Outer Worlds and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. I will be including them in my will; the rest of you should try again sometime before I turn 40, when lawyers on TV advise me to have some sort of notarized plan for my considerable estate of student loan debt.


I should probably clarify what I mean by “spaceship” here, because not any old rustbucket will do. I want something with decks. If we are talking Star Wars terms, maybe something like a small cruiser or corvette, maybe an Intrepid-class if you prefer Star Trek’s Federation. Too big and greedy of me? Fair. Really, I just want a Normandy from Mass Effect in every video game, and also real life.

Here are a list of reasons why.

  1. Space is fucking cool.
  2. Spaceships are fucking cool.
  3. I like when video games give me a place that’s my own? Where everyone kind of has their own place to live, and a few common areas to hang out? And then when you poke around, suddenly you see one dude who normally hangs out in the engine room like a pervert is suddenly in the mess hall with the lady who’s usually in the lab and you’re like wow, these feel like real people.
  4. I like saying “get off my boat.”
  5. I also like saying “punch it!” or “engage!”
  6. If you have a spaceship, someone will try to invade it by the third act. Then you can say “I’m taking back my ship,” like Admiral Adama in Battlestar Galactica (the new, good one).
  7. Spaceship battles are the sole provenance of tactical geniuses who are good at giving orders, two things that I feel describe me perfectly.
  8. It would be cool to tan my bum with UV rays from Alpha Centauri.

In conclusion, give me a spaceship, because I will put it to better use than anyone else you can think of.