Many women today walk around attached to some sort of technology: an iPhone, a Fitbit, a mech suit, a headset. In 2016's digitally-addicted world, it’s nearly impossible to meet a woman who isn’t either listening to music or a body pillow—clearly, a function of our internet-obsessed society.
Some women today, it turns out, are so attached to technology that they are not even women, but are in fact Japanese Yamaha digital vocaloids with turquoise hair and successful pop musical careers.
Technology can be a total roadblock to romance.
But don’t worry—Kotaku is here to help. Just because a woman is a singing synthesizer software doesn’t mean she won’t notice you. With these five weird tricks to get a vocaloid to take her headset off, you’ll be able to get any out-of-your-league 2D hologram on board with your misguided romantic ambitions.
1. Fly to Japan. Attend her concert. Push to the front. Scream. Don’t forget to bring your life-sized plush!
2. Now, wave your glow stick vigorously in the air and chant her name.
3. Surely, she’s noticed you. Gesture toward her headset and, over the sound of her dulcet bubblegum pop anthems, mouth the words, I know you’re in the middle of something, and are also a high-resolution digital animated projection, but I want to talk to you for a second.
4. If she doesn’t understand by now that she’s your top-tier waifu, simply mime wrapping your arms around her, like the body pillow version of her you purchased on Ebay for $1,500.
5. No go? If it appears, for a moment, that her enormous anime eyes gaze in your direction, acknowledge the weirdness of the situation: You, a human; her, a hologram with an eponymous video game series by Sega. Is she still wearing that headset?
Hm. Weird—looks like this vocaloid isn’t interested! Next time, try online dating.