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How I Achieved Greatness on a Sonic the Hedgehog-Themed Bed

Illustration for article titled How I Achieved Greatness on a emSonic the Hedgehog/em-Themed Bed

Sonic fans sometimes have a notorious reputation among the general internet populace that we're terribly annoying, way too demanding, and that we have an unwarranted sense of entitlement. As a fan, I can boldly proclaim that while all of that is 100 percent factual (in an opinion kind of way), I can also say that I'm the only Sonic fan, nay, the only gamer to get a girl to sleep with me upon a bed of Sonic.


I moved out of my parent's house at the ripe age of 20, and let me tell you something, it was the best move I've ever made. At home I had rules and regulations on how I was to enjoy myself (bringing girls to my room was a big no-no) so I did the only logical thing and hit the road. At my new place I was a free man, a man who was free to decorate his room the way he felt a man-cave should look: covered from head to toe in Sonic the Hedgehog memorabilia. Action figures still in their packaging lined the walls, a poster of Eddie Lebron's live-action fan film starring Jaleel White in the kitchen, and the cream of the crop – a giant Sonic the Hedgehog throw blanket with matching pillow cases on my bed.

Now, one might take a look at such an apartment and immediately declare "this guy will never get laid"


Now, one might take a look at such an apartment and immediately declare "this guy will never get laid," As a self-proclaimed ladies-man, I made it my job to disprove such a theory. I believe that any guy can land any kind of girl if he's both confident and true to himself, so when I found acting like a fool wasn't working, I decided it was time for change. I tried online dating, checked out a few girls, and got checked out myself. One girl in particular was cute, funny, smart, and most-notable-in-the-context-of-this-article, wasn't a nerd at all. Another thing that caught my eye – she had never dated a nerd before.

We met up at the local Starbucks where we got to know each other over some coffee, nothing big. There was definitely a mutual attraction going on, mostly because neither of us made the "date" out to be more than it was. I treated her like I would treat any of my friends, which made her feel really comfortable. She thought it was cool how I just did my own thing, and she was really interested in my comedy. I was confident about myself, and she instantly dug that.

I invited her over my apartment, and of course she wanted to see my bedroom. She broke out into hysterical laughter at my over-the-top Sonic the Hedgehog room, and I will admit I was a little embarrassed at first, but she was totally into it. She thought it was endearing, in a way. We then had sex on the fabled Sonic the Hedgehog blanket, and it was good.

Trust me, she wasn't the only one to enjoy His Royal Kailness upon such luxuries. In fact, there were many others (which you can read about in my book Slacker's Paradise). The truth is, if you're a nerd, geek, gamer, lamer, whatever – you can get the girl. Interests don't matter much in the end, the best way to get a girl interested is to be confident in yourself, don't try so hard, and make sure they feel comfortable. Remember my golden rule – A.B.C, Always Be Closing.


My next goal is to decorate my room in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic memorabilia and see if my girlfriend doesn't make me sleep in the yard for a week. Once you get tied down everything starts looking more and more like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.


Kris Kail is a comedian, life-long gamer, and author of the book "Slacker's Paradise – The Collective Writings of an Internet Radio Host". You can find him on Twitter under the name @DudeGurlz and you can read about all of his wacky antics at Kail's Big Time Burger Joint.

[Editor's Note: We've taken some heat for this story. Some didn't find it funny. To that I expect condemnation only for our taste. But to those who feel the story supported a view that our readers are all straight, male gamers, I do apologize. I should have caught that in the editing process of what was intended to be a light, humorous story. No article on this site should make you feel that you don't count as a gamer. If this article made you feel that way, I apologize. That's not on Kris, who was simply trying to entertain our readers. That's on me. -Stephen Totilo, Editor-in-Chief, ]

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An Atheist Jew

And with this, Kotaku is now on the bottom of my list of games press sites. I don't give a damn about notions of inequality or the targeting of the hetero-male demographic or any of this case, at least. I care about the standards of what passes for games journalism these days, and this article represents a solid example of everything that's wrong with it. A story about fucking on Sonic bed sheets? In some ways, this is worse than those interminable lists of "Top 10 etc etc" which plague the web.

This is an awful article. It's not funny, it's not intelligent, it's not witty, and it's not really about anything at all. The fact that the dude had sex on a bit of cloth with a picture of Sonic on it does not make it an example of games journalism, and to associate it as such is an insult to this industry and every person out there that's actually trying to establish themselves as a journalist. To think that Kris Kail actually got paid for this horse shit boils my blood. When Ben Kuchera said "Games Journalism is broken", this is what he's referring to.

Thank you for your apology, Stephen, but you're apologizing for the wrong reasons. Regardless, if you'd exercised a bit of common sense in the first place and shown this article to some of your peers, asking whether or not it would be a good idea to put this up, you wouldn't have had to issue the apology. Your peers would have said "Fuck no, that's a horrible article about nothing, and it's probably even a little offensive", and this whole sorry situation would have been avoided. This was supposed to be a joke article, but instead it just illustrates the transparency of the site's standards of content since Crecente left.

So, I'm done. I might check Kotaku at 2AM or something, so I can continue to enjoy Ashcraft's wonderful writing, but that'll be it. I no longer consider the site at-large to be a source of quality games press. I hope that with this latest example, Kotaku vets like Mike and Luke and Brian will think about jumping ship.