A five-minute Pokémon render looks something like this fruit, I’d guess.
Image: Nintendo

Here is the number of important things I can do in five minutes: zero. There are zero things that will truly matter to me or anyone else that I can do in five minutes. This is probably true for a lot of people, but it hasn’t stopped Pokémon fans from trying.

But Natalie, you might say. You can brush your teeth in five minutes. You can meditate in five minutes. You can update your to-do list in five minutes, according to this lovely productivity article.

But nothing you can do in five minutes will make or break your life. It takes several five-minute lapses to either maintain or screw up your teeth. It takes several stretches of five minutes to become mindful, or to actually do the things on your to-do list—or, in my case, make several more to-do lists instead. Here is another thing you can’t do in five minutes: create a competent 3D model for a video game in 2019. Namely, for Pokémon Sword and Shield.

But there are some people who disagree, fueled, like many great minds, by hubris and shoddy math. Following the reveal that not all Pokémon will be available in the upcoming Pokémon Sword and Shield, one fan apparently speculated that adding them all would only take five minutes each. People rose to the challenge, trying to prove that they could create an entire competent model for a current-gen, fully 3D Pokémon game in, you guessed it, five minutes.

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Because creating 3D models in five minutes is a silly idea, the internet internetted and demonstrated exactly how that would look to prove a point with the hashtag #5MinutePokémonRenders. Hilarity ensued.

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Nightmares also happened. This Golbat is my nemesis.

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Here is a Politoed, or a reasonable facsimile!

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Here is a Nidorino that I think was made with Nintendo Labo.

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It seems this Cubone took not only its mother’s skull but also her face! Adorbs.

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Here is Torchic with, in my head canon, its Blaziken parent. “Motherhood got you stretched in a million different directions?” Yes, indeed!

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Here’s a picture my niece drew of me of when she was little.

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And here is my fifth-grade class picture where I tried Afro puffs for the first time.

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Ahh! Real Pocket Monsters.

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Here is a lovely casserole dish.

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And do you remember those Wonder Ball candies?

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SO MANY ORBS.

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Also, blue pupper Riolu. Uh oh.

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And hey, another cameo from my worst nightmares, or maybe a rejected Devilman Crybaby design.

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This Gastly is actually not bad, if you consider the fact that gas isn’t always visible, and—

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Here we have a cameo from Kimba the White Lion.

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And my seventh-grade ink pens.

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Some of these are actually good, like these models of the various forms of Porygon, a Pokémon based off of the idea of what competent modeling looked like in the ’90s. So hey, maybe that person was right after all!

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This thread is a pretty cool process log, showing the creation of a Sceptile model in five-minute intervals.

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Some of them are just cute.

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Jokes aside, it would probably take me at least an hour to even get my software ready to do all this, and another several figuring how to uncrash my computer. So I respect these artists for helping us learn a little more about their work. For my part, I’m just going to ask Mr. Mime to help me reconfigure my to-do list.

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