Guy Spends Entire Splatoon Match Drawing Dicks, Still Wins

Give someone the ability to create anything they want, and there’s a 99% chance that person will make a dick.


We’ve seen this axiom time and time again in video games. It was only a matter of time before it became true in Splatoon, too.

As you probably already know, Splatoon’s entire schtick is that players can shoot ink, and this ink is used to cover ground/score points. Last week, Splatoon got a new Inkbrush weapon, which gives players the ability to draw smaller, more precise lines on the ground. Like so:


[Source: Nintendo Life]

AlpharadTV decided to use this power to do what humanity has done since the dawn of time: draw dicks.

He draws cocks in ranked matches, no less. Specifically, his goal is to have the dick be visible by the end of the match, like so:

Illustration for article titled Guy Spends Entire iSplatoon/i Match Drawing Dicks, Still Wins

I have a hard enough time winning ranked matches sometimes despite putting in a full effort—but here, bafflingly, AlpharadTV wins some matches despite not focusing on the objective at all. What the hell, man?

The enemy team, naturally, does its best to cover the dicks back up—though it’s hard to tell if they realize what AlpharadTV is doing. You can also listen to AlpharadTV analyze maps for their dick-drawing potential here too. Port Mackarel? Not very good for drawing dicks, thanks to its long, narrow corridors. At one point, AlpharadTV even destroys his own creation with a hurricane of ink, deeming it not good enough to continue to exist.


I will note that about 2:33 in, AlpharadTV starts telling a supposed story about his sex life. At about 5:52, he starts singing a song about drawing wangs in Splatoon. Your call on whether you want to listen to either of those things, but you’ve been warned!

After watching this, I’m just going to assume that whenever a teammate of mine seems MIA during a match, they’re probably just off in a corner, trying to draw a dong.

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Shardik The Man Bear

Draw a man a dick, and he’ll laugh once. Give the man a paintbrush and he’ll laugh forever.