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Florida Man Wants To Marry His "Porn Filled Apple Computer"

Illustration for article titled Florida Man Wants To Marry His Porn Filled Apple Computer

Chris Sevier, "a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran", has elbowed his way into a gay marriage lawsuit in Florida, claiming that if gays in the state might be allowed to get married, then he can marry his...laptop. That's full of porn.

Sevier reckons that if gay residents "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."

Part of his filing reads:

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

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In case you haven't picked up on it yet, he's trolling, arguing against gay marriage in a way that is, while selfish and a waste of the court system's time, at least more entertaining than the same ol' Bible + Middle America line.

Florida Man Says He Wants to "Marry My Porn Filled Apple Computer" in Federal Gay Marriage Case [NewTimes, via Daily Dot]

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DISCUSSION

JustWaitingForAMate

Lets see,

No need to date.

No talking back.

If it gets a virus, you won't end up itching or seeping.

You can turn it off it if gets annoying.

When it gets too old you can throw it away and get a thinner and nicer one.

This idea has merit.