Each Dark Souls 3 enemy is horrible in its own way. Some are more horrible than the rest.
I’ve played a ton of the game over the last couple of weeks, and I’ve killed pretty much every enemy there is. Just like with Bloodborne, a few of those enemies have lodged in my brain.
I hate everything about them. Here they are.
1. Those Moaning Moon-Face Things
I don’t know what these things are supposed to be or what they’re called, and I don’t care. They turn up in Irithyll Dungeon, and they act like anguished prisoners. They’ve lived in the dark for so long that their faces are covered in a filmy white membrane, and their eyes aren’t even really eyes.
Did I say faces? I did. They have huge creepy moon faces. Some of their bodies glow blue, but others absorb light and are nearly invisible unless you have a torch or look very closely. The first one I saw was hanging on the wall directly above my head, looking down at me with his huge open-mouthed moon face. I yelled.
Fuck these things. They’re not hard to kill, and they’re not all that dangerous. Fuck them anyway.
2. The Giant Ringu Hair Centipedes
Hey, look at that. It’s a body in the water. Just floating face down in the water. No big deal.
This is Dark Souls, though. It’s probably some kind of undead warrior or something. It’ll rise up and try to attack me if I get close. Better put an arrow into it to see what happens.
I JUST. WHY.
AND WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MUCH HAIR.
I’M NEVER TOUCHING WATER AGAIN
3. The Jerks With The Branding Irons
These dudes are called “Jailers,” and they patrol Irithyll Dungeon. (A lot of the worst enemies in Dark Souls 3 are in Irithyll Dungeon.)
They don’t seem so bad at first. They cruise around, making a loud clanking noise. They don’t take many hits to kill.
If they see you, they start to glow red. They begin to laugh and float toward you. Laugh it up, jerk, you think, rolling in to begin your attack. And then your health bar begins not to drop, but to shrink. Quickly. REALLY QUICKLY.
You watch with horror as your giant health bar becomes a sliver of its former self. You try to attack. Your maximum health is now lower than it was when you started the game. What? Why? What? You die.
I have cleared Irithyll Dungeon several times. I have killed many Jailers. I still don’t have a firm handle on what causes their curse power to go into effect. Sometimes they hit me with it from across the room. Other times I have to go in close. I don’t know. I hate these guys.
4. The Little Punk With The Huge Sword
This little guy isn’t that fearsome, but that’s why he sucks. He’s just another one of the little hooded punks who turn up at various points in the game, usually dangling off of the ceiling waiting to ambush you as you pass by.
You get used to these guys as you play; they move quickly, dodge out of your reach, and can be taken out in a hit or two. They’re only really dangerous if they catch you by surprise or outnumber you. As long as you pay attention, you can usually knock them down in advance and keep them from ambushing you.
The little shit with the huge sword is a trick, then. He’s just like the others, except he’s carrying a massive two-handed sword. He’ll come toward you and get ready to swing, but he won’t swing for a really long time. He’ll just keep following you with his sword raised. You roll to the side, thinking he’s about to swing and you’re going to dodge him, but he waits you out. Just after you’ve rolled, he absolutely stomps you for massive damage.
The first of these dudes turns up in the Undead Settlement, and another turns up in the Grand Archives. That second one is just far enough into the game that you’ve probably let down your guard. When I ran into him in the Archives, he straight up killed me. I was level 87 or something, but it made no difference. This tiny dude flattened me with his glowing greatsword and I lost like 60k souls.
It was exactly the sort of “surprise!” kill that Souls games do so well. Suddenly you’re taking on a slightly different scrub enemy with a slightly different attack, and you die in the stupidest way. Argh.
5. This Fucking Thing
Okay, I have to put this fucking thing on here. If you’ve played the game, I’m not even sure I have to say any more.
I’m guessing there’s an agreed-upon name for it. Maybe it’s “Curse Spider” or “Wolf Spider” or something. I don’t know.
All I know is, I just have to say “this fucking thing” and anyone who has played Dark Souls 3 will know which fucking thing I’m talking about.
It’s huge. It’s hairy. It has lots of legs and eyes that glow like lanterns. It hangs from the ceiling and drops onto you.
The moment I first saw it I screamed like a five year-old, backed into the furthest corner of the adjacent room, grabbed my bow cheesed it until it vanished from my computer monitor forever, never to return.
Until I ran into another one a few hours later.
Those are my five least favorite enemies in Dark Souls 3. I’m sure you have some of your own. Please share them below, and don’t worry. It’s just a comments section. They can’t hurt us down there.