At its core, The Witcher 3 is a game about two things: hunting monsters and looking sexy. Surely you’ve noticed that Geralt looks like the leading dude of a trashy romance novel, yeah? I can’t be the only one that pauses at Geralt’s obsession with slathering oil on stuff, right?

Before the game even released, the developers, CD Projekt RED, boasted that the game’s sex scenes required 16 hours of motion capture data. While that doesn’t translate to 16 hours of actual sex scenes in the game, The Witcher 3 still gives the player plenty of chances to get it on with all sorts of people. Some of these encounters are hits. Some are misses.

Here are all the sex scenes in The Witcher 3 that we know about so far.

NSFW warning! Spoilers ahead, too.

The Unicorn

[Source: Naughty Gaming]

Lets start with the scene that everyone has probably seen or heard about already. To be honest, at this point, I’m a little over the unicorn thing. While its ridiculousness stunned me at first, now the entire thing seems like a huge gimmick. The scene was teased an entire month before the Conan ‘reveal.’ The game also starts out with you reading a letter from Yennefer that reminds you that the stuffed unicorn is totally a sex prop for Geralt and Yennefer. OK, CD Projekt Red. I get it. Unicorns!

It doesn’t help that Yen looks kind of Not Into It for a good portion of the scene:

Still, I will give it points for being unexpected and hilarious.

The Lighthouse

[Source: AFGuidesHD]

Poor Triss. She is too sweet for Geralt’s bullshit. Still, I like this scene: it requires Geralt to be honest with himself about what he wants. Maybe that turns out to be a life in a small town. Or maybe he’s more into having a nomadic happily-ever-after. Your choice!

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But what really makes this scene for me is the end. Like the Dragon Age: Inquisition sex scene with the Iron Bull, this Witcher 3 erotic moment has a great sense of humor. I love it.

Prince Charming

[Source: RabidRetrospectGames]

Kiera Metz knows what she wants. And what she wants...well, it’s probably not Geralt, to be honest. But he’ll have to do!

What I like about this romance is how playful it is. The elaborate dinner, the horse racing, the hide-and-seek portion of it—all leading into a surprisingly explicit scene.

The Fighter

[Source: AFGuidesHD]

With so many hours of mocap, you wouldn’t think that the Witcher 3 would have to resort to reusing some of the moments/animations from other sex scenes, but here we are. Boo.

The Brothels

[Source: Naughty Gaming]

At this point, it is clear that Geralt sometimes follows a very specific sex routine that he pulls out all the time. It’s the sort of reveal that makes me doubt whether Geralt is as good in bed as the game wants me to believe!

The Wolves

[Source: AFGuidesHD]

This second scene with Yennefer is fantastic. I’m fascinated by the footage shown between the naughty bits. Murderous wolves running after a deer? Animals are a cliche in sex scenes, sure, but this does a great job of capturing the complciated intensity of Yennefer and Geralt’s relationship.

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In any other context, you might interpret the prey here as a stand-in for a seduced woman. But not here. Pleasure is the deer. Geralt and Yennefer are both the hunters. God damn.

It’s no wonder that other people sing songs of this love:

[Source: Naughty Gaming]

The Threesome

[Source: AFGuidesHD]

Behold, the best sex scene in The Witcher 3. Geralt gets tricked, big time. But he kind of deserves it, doesn’t he?

I can’t get over this:

aaaaaa YES.

Gwent Tournament

[Source: kenuty]

Turns out, being good at Gwent can mean more than just winning some extra coin. Still, this scene suffers from being similar to so many other sex encounters that Geralt has.

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