Twitter, the social media site that has spawned one A24 movie and too many meltdowns to quantify, is tumbling into its next circle of hell with soon-to-be-implemented extensive monetization.
With a new $8 a month subscription to Twitter Blue, which will roll out after the midterm elections, you can get a blue verification badge (and other features) without actually verifying your identity and be immediately banned for pretending to be someone else. New owner and CEO Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, whose comprehension of comedy dilutes to walking into Twitter headquarters carrying a sink and meekly going, “Hehehe! Let that sink in!” says that his reign and bid for revenue will not only legalize comedy, but it will also “democratize journalism” somehow. Really, he’s getting most of this from a Monty Python sketch.
But Musk could soon be taking inspiration from pay-to-win video games, too. On November 2, Musk responded favorably to game designer and gamification expert Adrian Hon’s (sarcastic) Twitter thread describing “real gamification” on Twitter, jokingly proposing Twitter add video games features like “a Twitter Battle Pass, achievements, happy hour, streaks, and more!”
Not everyone seemed to understand that Hon was kidding, not even comedy expert Musk, who said that Hon’s thread had “some good ideas.”
Well, if Musk is taking suggestions from gamers, I feel that I should offer some of my own.
I’m assuming Twitter will eventually add a heads-up display to its homepage, indicating not only how many followers you have, but also crucial stats like total time on Twitter or XP, kill count (the number of times a guy named Bobby responds to one of your benign tweets with a command to drink bleach), and your current load of Twitter Coins.
I’m suggesting Twitter Coins as an in-app currency you can purchase for a generous 3-to-1 ratio—$300 for 100 Twitter Coins—which will empower you to unlock more of the important Twitter Blue features I recommend below.
And I know $3 for one Twitter Coin seems a little unfair, but how else do you expect Musk to pay off the $13 billion in debt (not including the $1.2 billion in interest payments Twitter is expected to make this year) he owes after his $44 billion acquisition? By liquidating some of his $208 billion net worth? No, that makes too much sense.
With Twitter Coins, you’ll be able to purchase exclusive starter classes, including but not limited to:
- Horny With Sunglasses
- Man With Zero Followers Who Believes Marshall’s Wiretapped His Samsung TV
- Journalist That Got Doxxed (And Laid Off)
- Woman With Zero Followers Who Started A Change.org Petition To Delay BTS’ Military Service
- Woman With 15 Followers Who Started A Change.org Petition To Stop BTS From Wiretapping Her Samsung TV
Each class comes with its own themed starter kit—Horny With Sunglasses, for example, automatically gives you 35 followers wearing sunglasses in their profile picture and a one-month subscription to a language learning site of your choice so you can know how to say “dirty girl” a few different ways.
These classes will be available for the low base price of 5,000 Twitter Coins, but you can add invaluable add-ons like Reply Guy (which has a negligible 30-minute cooldown time while he pores over your Instagram photos for a hint of toe) for 500 Coins, or Viral Tweet (applies to any tweet about the yacht-centric reality TV show Below Deck on Bravo) for 650 Coins.
Once you’ve picked your starter class, it’s time to start customizing. Musk is already considering adding “cool stuff” to Twitter Blue subscriptions like animated banners, but I say he takes that idea one step further with high-tech 3D avatars to use as your profile picture.
Have you ever been to a jungle-themed restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe location? They have some beautifully haunting tree frog sculptures. 3D Twitter Avatars will pretty much be exactly like that.
When you purchase a Twitter Avatar for a paltry $50,000 worth of Twitter Coins, you’ll be in control of everything. That includes facial features, body type, and whether or not your Avatar is wearing a t-shirt that says “I Love the Song ‘Drive’ by Incubus” (I am still working on clothing options). Place your order and wait a meager 45 business days for shipping. That’s right, shipping.
Twitter Avatars are truly 3D, molded and cast from the same iconic steel and aluminum blend that destroys a Tesla immediately after coming in contact with a red light. To hell with downloadable content, we’re in the future! We should be crashing our cars even more often.
To use Twitter Avatars as your profile picture, simply take a photo and upload them. Yes, folks, it is that easy. If you’d like, you can supplement your photo with the Legendary Profile Picture Package for 10 Coins a week. That adds a 40-seconds-long firework gif that pops up every time Musk’s content moderation plan leads to someone getting swatted.
Uploading a photo costs 50 Coins. You will also need to DM Musk the phrase “You are so genius and rich, papa” every fortnight or so to prove you believe in free speech.
Please do not forget to DM. Your Twitter Blue subscription will be immediately terminated and the bank will take your pets or your Funko Pop! collection, whichever is worth more.
After spending at least $250,000 in Twitter Coins, you’ll be lucky enough to unlock Twitter’s secret ending. I can’t give you too many specifics, as it is a secret, but I can say that it involves bankruptcy.
Now to get serious: it’s clear that Twitter’s pay-to-win future is looming. Are you ready for it?