[Extremely “I’ll die a thousand times before switching off Hanzo” voice] “Somebody go tank RIGHT NOW.”
Losing sucks. It’s a slow, painful descent into a bottomless pit of negativity and blame. This goes double when you’re playing a team-based game like Overwatch. You can do everything in your power to win, but it’s not enough. If your Reinhardt doesn’t even wait five microseconds to drop his shield, charge headlong into the enemy Orisa, and fall on his ass like an idiot, that’s your burden to bear, too. It can be tempting, then, to voice your frustrations and expel that feeling of powerlessness.
Stop. Don’t. It’s a terrible idea.
To help prevent more egregious heat-of-the-moment word crimes, I’ve assembled a handy list of things you should just never say while losing in Overwatch. Let’s take it from the top.
“Our heals were shit”
Occasionally, a healer will decide to go full Battle Mercy or What’s A Healing Orb, Who Knows, It’s A Mystery Moira, but most of the time, your healers are doing the best they can with what they have. They might even be losing their damn minds over it, because the tank keeps taking suicidal risks, or the team won’t stick together, or nobody will defend them from flankers. Oh, and if they’re solo healing a dive composition? Forget about it. That’s on y’all, not your healer. Point is, insulting your healer(s) just outs you as someone who’s bad at the video game. And if your healer really did under-perform, try offering specific advice—not spewing generalized garbage.
“Why isn’t anyone switching to [insert class here]???”
Unless you’re playing with a group of close friends or folks you’ve practiced with, it’s on you to switch when you see a gap in your team’s composition. Ask politely if anybody else is planning to switch, and if not, go for it. Sorry. It may not seem fair, but Overwatch is a game about switching—coming up with counters and counters to those counters. Play every hero. If you’re flexible, you’ll have a better time. I promise.
“I didn’t switch because...”
Because you were building ult charge? Because you already switched that one time several months ago? Because you’re usually the best Genji on your whole block, and maybe even in your neighborhood? I don’t care! You don’t always have to make excuses or defend yourself. Sometimes, you can just think about where you went wrong and resolve to do better next time. Or heck, you can even ask for advice. Occasionally, other players will be jerks about it, but most are happy to give it.
“I got all gold medals! Why were the rest of you so bad?”
Here’s a little secret: if your team is getting massacred and you decide to play selfishly—racking up eliminations and self-heal points while your foes trundle over your allies’ broken bones—it’s a easy to be the “best” on the team as judged by Overwatch’s extremely flawed medal system. If you get all golds and then decide to hold it against a team you couldn’t be bothered to help, you’re not just part of the problem; you’re the Jenga block that made the whole tower fall over.
[Having not communicated at all up to this point] “Ugh, this team has no coordination”
What an interesting observation, Sherlock! Glad you decided to share that—and absolutely nothing else—with the rest of the class. I’m sure your friends talk about you all the time at those parties they never invite you to.
“You guys spawn-camped us! That’s not a fair strategy!”
This also applies to “you used turrets” or “way to let Widowmaker carry you” or whatever. Blatantly cheesy strategies only work when your team is so disorganized that you can’t even focus-fire down an enemy hero or two. This happened to me last night, in fact. My team got spawn-camped on King’s Row. It was incredibly embarrassing. But also, the second everyone left spawn, they sprinted off in wildly different directions, died more divided than the internet when it’s asked to rank Disney/Pixar movies, and failed to regroup afterward. Naturally, one of my teammates started whining at the other team afterward. “OK sure,” I eventually chimed in, “but also we were extremely bad.”
“Report our [insert hero here]”
People often go into match chat to say this so that the other team can see, too. This is bad on a majestic cascade of extremely dumb levels. For one, unless your teammate is legitimately harassing people or intentionally throwing the match, it’s a flagrant misuse of the reporting system. That’s a big no-no according to Blizzard’s rules. Second, you’re basically signaling to the other team that your whole operation has fallen into disarray and gifting them a nice morale boost in the process. Third—and this applies to every other thing on this list, really—you’re being a colossal dick. Cut it out.
[Long before the match ends] “GG”
Oh fuck off.