Can You Recognize the 10 Greatest Swords Of All Time?

Illustration for article titled Can You Recognize the 10 Greatest Swords Of All Time?

Webcomic mavens T. Campbell and Jason Waltrip whipped up this excellent celebration of vorpaliciousness for you, showcasing 10 of the most awesome swords in the multiverse. Can you name them all? Answers below.


Alright, be honest. How many could you name? Check your answers against the cheat sheet below.


TOP: "That's the Blazing Sword up there. Formed from the energies of two lion-headed robot hands, it regularly cuts through asteroid-sized opponents and leaves everybody wondering why the wielder doesn't just use it sooner. But it's a little out of your price range."

FIRST FROM LEFT [Not counting Frodo and Sting]: "The Variable Sword may not look like much— in fact, it may not look like anything at all except a floating red ball in space— but it changes size to accommodate its user's needs, and if you think your current blade has cutting power, I have one word for you, 'monomolecular.'"

SECOND FROM LEFT: "Soul Edge here headlined a whole video game series all by himself! And since I understand you have some interest in all-seeing eyes and mind-invading weapons... oh, you're trying to destroy those, not fence them? My mistake. Er, let's move on."

THIRD FROM LEFT: "Okay, I know what we just said, but trust me, trust me, this is an all-seeing eye you actually want on your side. The Sword of Omens combines some of the other swords' benefits: it's got size-changing ability, it can shoot energy and cat-faced floodlights, and it's alive, but it's a lot nicer and less chatty than most living swords. And you can use its "sight beyond sight" to see anything you want to see: whereabouts of your friends, plans of your enemies, or whatever. It will not judge you."

FOURTH FROM LEFT: "Lightsabers are weapons from a more civilized time, so they're, you know, elegant. Now, the Jedi liked to say you could only use them if you had a deep connection to the Force, but they also say everything has a deep connection to the Force just by being alive, and something something midichlorians, anyway, point is, it's a sword that cuts like a laser, and lets you bat energy bolts back into your enemies' faces, like you're the A-Rod of Death. Buy it now and I'll throw in the training and safety video."


FIFTH FROM LEFT: "The Power Sword! This one is also good at batting away energy bolts, and it's indestructible, and it's the key to a giant trove of secrets, but the real selling point is that it can transform you into a super-strong hero with such a bitchin' tan, no one will even recognize you. Or maybe it actually turns you from white to Hispanic, I was never entirely clear on that. There's an "alpha version" of the sword out there somewhere, but if that one were so great, I'd be selling it!"

SIXTH FROM LEFT: "Listen to this. This is verbatim. 'The Energy Sword... blade of superheated plasma, stabilized by two small magnetic-field generators built into the handle of the weapon... this forms and contains the oval-shaped, ionized blades for which the weapon is recognized.' Eh? Eh? You won't find a more carefully-crafted weapon anywhere. This is, like, the iSword. Okay, yes, the battery life is short, but... you know what? This ain't what you need. I know what you need."


SEVENTH FROM LEFT: "This. Here. The Fusion Swords. I know what you're thinking: too big! Not a problem! The original user actually wasn't that much taller than you, and he had such good taste that his previous weapon was one of the most famous swords in his field. And it separates out into six swords, and has two intermediate combined forms! That's nine swords! Nine for the price of... five!"

EIGHTH FROM LEFT: "Stormbringer? Okay, kid, I'm going to look out for you here: you do not want Stormbringer. It's another like Soul Edge. It drinks the souls of your enemies, it grants you great victories, but it will kill you, and only after killing everything you love. I only keep swords like it around because... well, in my line of work, one occasionally gets clients who already love nothing worth loving, clients one should... remove from one's contact list. You, you've got family. I can see it in your eyes."


NINTH FROM LEFT: "Excalibur? Excalibur's just a problem. It's unbreakable, of course, and supposedly protects its user from mortal wounds... but there's some pretty compelling evidence against that, too. Supposedly it had an epic dogfight with the Sword of Omens once, but it's hard for me to confirm any of its powers, except for the power to make itself useless by burying itself in a rock or a lake. We just keep it there for the tourist traffic."


Davy M Jones

Seeing a lot of people asking for the Master Sword here, but I ask you: What the hell has it accomplished, lately?

It's used to take down the SAME GUY EVERY TIME.

Sure, there's been intermissions between Ganon's ass-kickings: an evil wizard here, a flying fish's nightmare there...

But really, outside of its ability to somehow be abandoned by the same reincarnated hero repeatedly and relocating to a convenient space to await their predecessor's inevitable arrival, what does it really DO?