Breaking: Fortnite Banana Man Saga Ends With Official Court Ruling

Fortnite’s Peely is a grotesquery of the highest order. You know it, I know it, and even Apple knows it. Yet somehow, Epic Games managed to convince a United States district judge that this elongated, yellow monster is “just a banana man,” at least according to today’s ruling in the contentious court case between the two tech behemoths.

It all started when Epic and Apple engaged in a bizarre courtroom digression back in May concerning Peely and his attire during a Fortnite gameplay demonstration. Apple’s lawyer, seemingly in an attempt to tie Peely to a previous argument concerning the presence of adult games on the Epic Games Store, made an off-hand remark about why Apple chose the tuxedo-wearing Agent Peely skin for the demo.

“We thought it better to go with the suit than the naked banana since we are in federal court this morning,” the lawyer said while questioning Epic vice president of marketing Matthew Weissinger.

Not willing to let whatever that was slide, however, Epic’s lawyer returned to the subject of Peely’s disgusting body while cross-examining Weissinger.

“There might have been an implication that to show Peely without a suit would have been inappropriate, do you recall that? Is there anything inappropriate about Peely without a suit?” Epic’s lawyer asked.

“No there is not,” Weissinger responded.

“Is there anything inappropriate about Peely without clothes?” the lawyer continued, bringing up a picture of Peely for the rest of the courtroom to see.

“It’s just a banana man.” Weissinger said.

Just a banana man. A little understated, in my opinion, but I’m guessing a court setting is probably a bad place to launch into a horrified tirade about how the eldritch abomination known as Peely just won’t stay dead no matter how many times you try

Sadly, the ruling filed by Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers today indicates she was swayed by Weissinger’s nonchalant assertion that there’s nothing at all wrong with Peely or his supposed nakedness.

“With respect to the appropriateness of Peely’s ‘dress,’ the Court understood Apple merely to be ‘dressing’ Peely in a tuxedo for federal court,” the judgment reads, “as jest to reflect the general solemnity of a federal court proceeding. As Mr. Weissinger later remarked, and with which the Court agrees, Peely is ‘just a banana man,’ additional attire was not necessary but informative.”

But don’t let this ruling fool you; there’s nothing banana nor man about Peely. Every appearance by this Lovecraftian ghoul should be considered inappropriate, and shame on everyone responsible for normalizing it.