A polar bear, equipped with flamethrowers, attacks a pair of donkeys. Screenshot taken from store page. 

T-rexes with lasers and shotguns. Polar bears with flamethrowers. Some might laugh at these outrageous possibilities, decrying them as “unrealistic.” But in Beast Battle Simulator, these wild dreams are a reality.

In this physics-based battle game, players choose from a variety of arenas such as deserts and tundras. You can pick an array of animals to fight for you, from elephants and pigs to dinosaurs like the terrifying spinosaurus. Each animal has a different health level and damage. They can also wield weapons such as flamethrowers, miniguns, shotguns, and cannons. Or you can set-up automated turrets that will do the animals’ work for them. Don’t like being a distant observer? No problem—you can also control each animal.

Team elephants vs. zebras in this soccer game! Screenshot taken from store page.

Sandbox mode lets you create your epic war zones without limitations, but if you want to test your skills as a strategist, you can fight your way through 30 challenge levels. Each level requires sticking to a budget, and each animal and item costs a different amount of money. For example, a T-Rex is worth $1700 in comparison to a dog, which is only $15. Each challenge gives you a certain number of items and beasts you can choose from, such as The Prey’s Revenge challenge. You can also play minigames like soccer and capture-the-hill.

Battles are gory. Blood spurts everywhere and dismembered animal parts fly. In my first sandbox-mode battle, I pitted black bears and wolves against each other. To even the playing field, I gave my wolves flamethrower turrets. My jaw dropped when I discovered that seconds after starting the battle, the flaming, bloody corpses of my bears were scattered across the plains. The next time, T-rexes and spinosauri duked it out. Their massive bodies smashed into each other with guttural roars, their razor-sharp teeth tearing into each other’s flesh. I shrieked as chunks of bone and organs exploded in every direction, some flying straight at my screen. This is definitely not a game for the faint of heart.

I had not expected the T-rexes to beat the spinosauri, which are the most expensive creatures in the game, but uh, they did.

Beast Battle Simulator’s challenge mode is where the most interesting things happen. In one capture-the-hill challenge, I had to destroy all enemy turrets in order to win the game. I made a team of elephants, rhinos and zebras, and with the little money I had left over, I bought a warthog. Within seconds the flamethrower and gun turrets had shot down all of my animals. When the game didn’t tell me I had lost, I assumed it was a bug—clearly all my animals were dead. But then I realized I had one fighter left: my warthog.

My unassuming warthog charged past the flaming bodies of his teammates like a crusading knight about to slay a dragon. Because he was so short, he was able to duck underneath enemy fire to reach the base of the gun turrets. He body-slammed into them, and I watched as he headbutted a turret into oblivion. He then turned to the next one to do the same.


“Go, Warthog!” I cheered.

A picture of the bravest idiot I have ever known.

I was jubilant at the idea of this under-pig (see what I did there) winning this mission. This warthog—which has an HP of 20 and can deal out only 10 points of damage—was more valuable than my hardy elephants and high-damage rhinos.


Unfortunately, although I admired my warthog’s bravery, it would have taken him too long to win the battle by himself. Instead, I chose to restart the level and give him more comrades-in-arms. Once again all my more powerful animals died, but my family of warthogs was still standing.

“YOU GOT THIS, PIGS!” I shouted, clapping my hands in encouragement.

And they most certainly got it. They piledrived into each of of the remaining turrets and won the battle. Now, warthogs will forever be my favorite animal.


You can get Beast Battle Simulator on Steam.

Chloe Spencer is the summer intern for Kotaku and recently graduated from the University of Oregon. She enjoys reading graphic novels and playing video games.

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