The Child
Do you have to ask permission to buy Fortnite’s V-bucks? Do your devices require a pin code to access certain content? Do you, upon dying, whine in a manner that is only ever echoed on the playground when someone takes your ball? If so, you might be The Child, or just a child in general.
If you’re not, you know this kid. You’ll likely encounter them in the safe, colorful confines of Fortnite’s world, griddying in the pre-game lobby and telling you about it over and over again. Their piercing shrieks when they die and pathetic pleas for help are a special form of birth control, a reminder that today’s generation of children have enough technical knowledge to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you in competitive games but will make sure you’re absolutely miserable while they do it.
In the rare chance that a child is sweet, protect them at all costs. They can’t help it that their parents silently hand them V-bucks gift cards for their birthdays before putting their ear plugs back in and returning to their own games.
