Hello, Internet! Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating column that can help you find the Best Ending to the dating sim that is your life.
This week, we untangle the snarled web of relationship complications. How do you navigate dating someone whoâs polyamorous? At what point does it go from threeâs company to fourâs a crowd? Another reader wants to know how to stop falling in love so easily, while a third simply isnât sure whether he can take âyesâ for an answer.
Itâs time to quit save-scumming and make our way to the endgame. Letâs do this thing.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Iâm 30 and trying to get back into the dating game after my divorce. So I jumped back onto OkCupid because in the past Iâve had pretty good luck finding like minded people on there. While going through some old messages I came across a girl I talked to quite a bit who had deactivated her account. After a quick review I remembered we went on a coffee date once a while back. Things went well. A little too well. We were both attached at the time and I was afraid of doing something I might regret if I kept spending time with her so I started talking less and less and after a while we both stopped talking to each other all together.
I see her phone number in my old messages and think, well why not? So I send her a text and after a quick update on who I was she remembered me. Surprisingly well. She asked if I was still with that girl, no, long story. Before I could even ask if she was with the same guy she told me she wasnât. Good sign. She asks about my old job, we talk about things we discussed last time we talked. We kept talking all night up until she had to get to bed for work in the morning. The next day we text some more and she mentions her boyfriend. Ok, itâs cool she was talking about being in a poly relationship before and I am similarly inclined myself. So I ask her if he would be upset that some random guy is sending her texts. âOh no, I told him all about you.â Promising. I ask her about him, she gives a short description and mentions that heâs a lot less depressed than her lady boyfriend. Ok probably still poly. She asks if Iâm single. Another good sign. I explain that Iâm not dating anyone seriously but I have two partners I donât see so often.
This next part confuses me. Everything up to now seems, at least to me, like sheâs interested in me. She then tells me how she decided poly wasnât for her, and that it just takes too much energy. Ok she has two partners but isnât polyamorous any more? Maybe itâs just open, Iâm not sure. She then says she understands why Iâm looking for more and keeps talking to me all night.
I canât really tell what she wants. The things Iâm kind of jumping between are:
1. She likes me but isnât interested in a relationship.
2. Things with her and her boyfriend arenât too serious or arenât going well so sheâs thinking about maybe jumping ship.
3. Her relationship isnât poly, but it is open. So no real dating, but maybe we can have some fun or something.
4. ??? something else I havenât thought of.
Modern relationship dynamics are hard enough to navigate, but this is making my head spin. First rule of poly club is not donât talk about poly club, itâs quite the opposite: talk. Talk early, talk often. Iâm going to keep talking to her and try to steer the conversation to what she would be interested in, but until then I need another perspective.
Thanks for your perspective,
Polymorphously Perplexed
Polyamory is one of those areas where it really helps to have everyone define their terms. Polyamory is a wide, wide descriptor for many different relationship styles. There are poly triads and quads where everybody is involved with everyone else, hierarchical poly relationships with a primary partner who comes before others, poly relationships where one person has two separate partners (who arenât involved with each other). You can have an open poly relationship where each person can have lovers outside of the group. You can have closed poly relationships where there are no outside partners. It can run the gamut.
The single biggest commonality of poly relationships is the kind of relationship – the generally accepted assumption is that itâs primarily romantic, or at least emotionally committed. And when you add more individuals into a relationship, the relationship maintenance involved (not to mention the potential for drama) scales up exponentially. You are now trying to balance many peopleâs emotional and physical needs with your own. And when you factor in issues of envy and jealousy (and believe me, being in a poly relationship doesnât mean you arenât susceptible to those), not to mention just plain olâ scheduling and time management, that has the potential to be a logistical goddamn nightmare.
Not surprising then that your friend declared that polyamory was exhausting.
Now with all that in mind, letâs pick things apart a little here. Right now, youâve got a number of signs of emotional interest, if not physical interest. Youâve been talking a lot, and on a number of personal topics. Youâve been sharing a fair amount about your social lives and the level of curiosity sheâs shown youâasking whether youâre single, etc.âis a good sign.
But itâs also a potentially mixed sign. You had that intense attraction when you first met, but time has passed and circumstances have changed. It could be that sheâs fond of you and thinks youâre a cool guy but isnât necessarily interested in a relationship with you outside of friendship. Mentioning that sheâs not poly any more could be a way of waving you off.
Hereâs the thing that I noticed you didnât say: that you let her know youâre interested in seeing her again. She may not realize that youâre looking into possibly rekindling things with her. She may think that you might be but isnât sure and doesnât want to push things. Or she may well be aware and is deliberately not broaching the subject in hopes that youâll take the hint without her having to say it directly.
Youâre understandably confused. Right now, youâre trying to interpret what sheâs saying through a host of âwhat-ifsâ. Fortunately, thereâs a simple answer to this: use your words.
Make sure youâre on the same page and define your terms. What does she mean by not identifying as poly any more? Does this mean that sheâs got her boyfriend and a play-partner? Clarity is always your friend, especially when youâre dealing with a term thatâs so polymorphous.
Meanwhile, take some initiative on your own so that she knows what youâre about. Let her know that youâre interested and the kind of relationship youâre looking for. Are you looking for something more committed? Are you open to just fooling around if thatâs all she has to offer?
Being clear, open and direct is much more desirable than trying to read the tea-leaves and guessing at what other people mean. When in doubt: ask. You may not get the answer you were hoping for, but youâll get an answer. And then you wonât be stuck wondering âwhat ifâ and âwhat does this mean?â
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Yesterday Iâve been labeled as neurotic, which is something I kind of knew and I was a bit happy that someone finally said it in my face. Besides that, Iâve been more or less called a freak for falling in love too easily, and apparently the guy was totally disturbed by it.
I do get attached too early, thereâs one moment my mind decides âthis is the oneâ and everything goes downhill. I havenât had a proper relationship in three years and itâs not because the guys I liked didnât like me back, but because I forced the things and, in the end, suffocated them. After I fall for them, I feel the constant need to be with them, talk to them, get closer to them. I feel my chest is shrinking, my mind is filled with thoughts of the guy, I canât concentrate and feel depressed. My body is in pain. I do realize this kind of emotion is not real love, but the suffering is real. And now Iâm filled with regret that I lost a good guy (he really is, he was so harsh probably only because I asked him to be âbrutally honestâ) and I wonât find a better one (I know there are, but my brain doesnât really comprehend it right now), not to mention that I traumatized him (I honestly feel like a useless person). Whatâs worse, I still havenât got over him. In fact, usually I find it hard to move on because I still hope for the best, but in this case thereâs definitely no rainbow at the end of the tunnel so why am I still thinking about him?
I know I have some issues: I broke up with my ex twice, and each time I felt the same anguish and reluctance to let it go. And it wasnât even a happy relationship. So basically, I fall easily, my narcissistic side believes they also want me that badly, and then I have a hard time letting it go, brooding over it for several months, even if there was nothing serious at all. Iâm thinking about trying therapy as I do believe my problems may be pathological, but I might leave the place Iâm currently living in so Iâm not that eager to start. Maybe remote therapy? Meanwhile, I would highly appreciate some advice on how to diminish the crappy emotions Iâm experiencing. Thank you!
Best regards,
Anxiety Queen
Deep breaths, AQ. Slow, deep breaths. Youâre dealing with a number of common issues, especially amongst people who donât have much relationship experience. Letâs break them down one by one.
Letâs start with getting attached so quickly. One of the things that people often do is confuse that initial excitement of a new attraction – what many call ânew relationship energyâ – with love. That rush of endorphins is intoxicating and exciting, to be sure. But itâs not love. Itâs a state known as limerence, and itâs defined by, among other things, intrusive and obsessive about the person youâre crushing on. Itâs an emotional rollercoaster; youâre going from the highest highs (heâs the most amazing person ever to walk the earth!) to the lowest lows (I SHALL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!!) with very little in between. It feels so extreme and incredible that we assume it must be love, but in reality itâs not. Itâs all surface. You donât really know this person. That connection you feel isnât your two souls merging, itâs simply your junk kicking your brain and yelling âLetâs party!â
This intense feeling fades pretty quickly as the novelty wears off and you get to know your crush as a person, rather than as an idealized being. That initial intensity fades and becomes something quieter and more intimate. But many people assume that the early rush is the entirety of the relationship and freak out when it starts to go away.
Once youâve accepted that the initial rush is just thatâa rushâthen youâre better able to see it for what it is and to navigate it more successfully.
Now letâs deal with the pain. Part of limerence is that crushing despair; itâs part of the lowest lows that comes with your feelings not being requited. It sucks, but, like limerence, it passes⌠if you let it. When you start to obsess about how you screwed this up and how youâll never find anyone as good as them, you make it impossible to get over your own pain. You lock yourself in a cycle of punishment, masochistically hurting yourself for âlosingâ them and then picking at the scab of your attraction so that you can properly appreciate what youâve lost, which then leads back into punishing yourself for losing it.
What you need to do is take a deep breath and just relax. Donât brood. Donât berate yourself. Donât yell at yourself for how you âruinedâ things. Just⌠be. Let yourself feel. Remind yourself: you arenât sad, you feel sad. You arenât hopeless, you feel hopeless. Let things flow through you without trying to force them or dam them up. Accept your feelings, that you have them and that this relationship fell apart.
And then forgive yourself. Youâre inexperienced. It happens. What you need to do now is forgive yourself for making a mistake and learn from it so that you donât make the same mistake again.
As youâre doing all of this, take the time to work on yourself. Hit the gym, talk to a therapist, do any of the little things that make your life better. A little self-upgrade goes a long way to healing after a breakup; feeling like youâre improving yourself makes you feel like a better, more desirable person instead of a failure.
Talking to a counselor definitely isnât a bad idea. But the best thing you can do right now is to relax, heal and learn. Youâre not a bad person, AQ. Youâre just human, same as the rest of us. And youâll do better. I promise.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I have seen you columns on Kotaku in the past and know you have dished out solid advice to folks like me.
Hereâs my issue. I have been working at my office for about 7 months. We had some interns come and one of the female interns and I really hit it off. We have an annual party at the end of our busy season (Iâm a CPA) where everyone blows off some steam after the most stressful time period in our line of work. After the official, thereâs always an afterparty at another bar downtown where the younger staff get together.
2:30 rolls around and the bar is closing. Female intern isnât wasted by any means, but she didnât intend to drive home. I extend an invite to stay at my place and she accepts. I wasnât the only offer, mind you, she could have gone home with any of my female peers. We get back to my place and I offer up my bed, insisting that I would sleep on the couch. She wouldnât hear of it and we ended up sleeping together. I got the vibe she wanted me to put the moves on, but I knew I would be seeing her in the future and didnât things to get awkward. She got close to me and we just talked for a few hours about everything from work, to school, to our families. Turns out we both lost our fathers to cancer, an experience that impacted both of us greatly. She revealed she had a crush on me and had for a few weeks. I really felt like we connected and I really want to see her again. Sheâs laid back, smart, and a knock-out. Iâve asked her out on a date already and she happily accepted.
There are a few problems that make me hesitant to pursue this. 1) She will be returning to my firm next year. At which point in time, if Iâm still around, I will more than likely be her superior. I know dating co-workers is a slippery slope and if things go south, I can find myself in a difficult situation at work, let alone the strange situation in which she would be my subordinate. 2) Thereâs a little bit of an age difference. Sheâs 21, and Iâm 24 (soon to be 25). 3) Canât say Iâve ever really had a serious girlfriend to speak of, so these are uncharted waters for me. Usually Iâm the one crushing on someone, usually unreciprocated. Itâs like Iâm Wile-E Coyote and I just caught Roadrunner.
What do you think, Doc? Should I try and forget about hot intern and move on? Or should I dive in and see where this relationship goes? Thanks!
-Like A Boss
Donât make things more complicated than they have to be, LAB. A three (soon to be four) year age gap ainât that big. Not having had a serious girlfriend doesnât preclude you from dating somebody. Everybody starts off as a beginner, after all, and the only way you learn is from actually dating people. And you donât know for sure where youâll be a year from now. If she works at your firm and youâre still there, talk to HR. Until then, quit borrowing trouble from a future that may never come to pass.
You like her. She likes you. Thatâs really all that needs to be said. Go for it already.
Good luck.
Do you have an open or poly relationship? How did you navigate those early days of a new relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments and weâll be back in two weeks with more of your dating questions.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new book Simplified Dating is available exclusively through Amazon. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
