Hello, Internet! Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating column that believes in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis.
This week, weâre talking about how to handle the end of a relationship, whether youâre watching things fall apart before your eyes or having to deal with the aftermath. One reader wants to know whether itâs possible to save his relationship or if itâs better to end things now, while another knows his ex is no good but he just misses him so much
Letâs do this.
Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I am writing to you in because I am in need of objectivity and guidance. I do realise that I have a bias in telling my problem, but I try to be as fair as I can.
Basically what I am struggling with is: Should I break it up over the issues we keep having, because we have not been able to work them out or is there another way to try fixing them?
So some background: Weâve been dating a little under two years and things have been somewhat deteriorating since about 8 months ago, when she got into a school in another town and started spending a lot of time there. Before that we had a very good and close relationship and we were both happy with it, but after the change sheâs grown more distant and it affects me more than her.
She used to value our time together and wanted to be with me at parties and social events and talked to me a lot, but these past months she hasnât been that way. She barely talks to me while sheâs there and on the weekends sheâs in town she goes to parties without me, drinks a lot, comes home late and she requires time to be alone as well. So during the school year I feel rather neglected as I feel like I get to spend time with her if she has nothing else better and has some leftover energy. I admit after talking about this with her she has put some effort to the way she is with me, but not into making time for me.
I was hoping that when the summer vacation started it would be different, but during the last month sheâs been to parties, a week-end trip with her old school friends and their plus-ones, but she has explicitly chosen to go solo to all of these. She has maintained that she wants to be with me and loves me dearly and it does show when we are together. Couple of days ago we had a fight over the issue and she admitted that sheâs not sure that she wants to be in a close relationship and she understands that the situation is unfair for me. We had a talk and she agreed to include me more, spend time with me more and make time for intimacy more until the end of the summer. We talked that weâll decide about the continuation of our relationship when the summer ends.
However her ex-best friend who was deeply in love with her and cut all ties to her when we started dating came back and apologised for his behaviour and sulking after two years. For the whole duration of our relationship, my girlfriend has said that she misses him, how he was the funniest, he understood her, always wanted to do things with her, is so similar to her and how the summer before we started dating with him was the best and she misses it as well. This while she doesnât apparently miss me while she is away. This all makes me feel very miniscule compared to him, like I am never going to be as good and brilliant as he is or matter as much. They were very close.
And now that he has come back, she wants to be friends with him and she assures me that he is over her and is purely platonic towards her. She said that I am more important to her than he is, but I donât trust the guy even as far as I can piss. I feel very uneasy about them spending time together so I asked her If she could not see her alone and I hate myself for it, but she doesnât appear willing to do this for my sake. I feel that if they get close he might sabotage our relationship or just pray for an opportunity and I donât think there is any room for something that resembles a fulfilling relationship for me, if they spend much time together, talk and are close. I fear that the rather limited time that we might have, which we agreed to use for creating at least good memories before the possible end and thusly making a less bitter separation might be wasted and leave me even unhappier. This has given me self-confidence issues, anguish, fear and desperation. He is just so much fucking baggage.
So am I being unreasonable? Is there anything that I can try or should I? Is there any semblance of hope, even for the summer? Should I just cut my losses and concentrate on getting over her? I am fairly desperate at this point and Iâd appreciate pretty much any insight.
Sincerely yours,
-Should I stay or should I go?
So Iâm not going to lie to you, SISOSIG. Youâre in a shitty situation. But the problem youâre having isnât the problem you think youâre having.
Right now youâre focusing a lot on her ex-BFF. You and she both know he had a thing for her and he – like many other âNice Guysâ – took off when he realized she was dating someone for realsies. And now heâs back, swearing itâs all in the past and heâs over her like a bridge over a particularly sexy river.
You, on the other hand, are fairly sure heâs full of shit. And in fairness, he probably is. Itâs certainly not impossible that heâs matured enough to get over his awkward one-sided crush and is able to appreciate his friendship with her for its own sake. But Iâm doubting it. The âNo, Iâm totally over you I swear (but touch my penis anyway)â dance is part and parcel of the Nice Guy Experience. Shit, Iâve done that. Itâs usually the second act before the finale where they make their move, get rejected again, and end up complaining about women on dodgy subreddits. But you donât want to say anything because a) youâre already having trouble and b) sheâs excited that her friend (and letâs say that again: her friend) is back in her life.
Comparing yourself to her ex-bestie and her excitement to have him back in her life isnât fair to you or to her, nor is it particularly useful. Itâs a different relationship than the one you have with her and different circumstances over all. Theyâre very close because they have a long history together. Cross-gender friendships can be very emotionally intimate, in no small part because women are the only people men are socially allowed to open up to. That doesnât mean that heâs a threat to your relationship. Just because he may still have pants-feelings for your girlfriend doesnât mean that sheâs going to have them in return.
But hereâs the cold hard truth: this guy isnât the problem. Heâs not even a symptom. Heâs a side note. Whatâs been going on is that your relationship has changed because⊠well, sheâs changed. And so have you.
You went from a standard relationship to a long-distance one and that has made the difference. Where you were both growing together, now youâre growing separately. You had experiences in commonâmutual friends, daily get-togethers and so forthâthat reinforced the story of YOUâNâHER. You were living your lives together. But once you two were in different towns, you and she began leading very separate lives with very separate experiences. She was out there trying new things, enjoying new experiences and learning more about who she is and could be. It can be hard for someone to integrate their old life with their new one. This is why high-school relationships rarely last through college and why long-distance relationships tend to fall apart
And thus we come to the actual problem: youâre trying to relate to her as who she used to be. That person doesnât exist any more. We are all the sum of our choices and experiences; as those change, so do we. Your girlfriend has new experiences, new interests, new friends⊠sheâs not the same person she was when she went off to school. Your relationship doesnât work because itâs with someone who doesnât exist. Sheâs left that person behind. And unfortunately, that means youâre being left behind too.
So what do you do about this?
Well⊠I hate to say it, but the best thing you can do right now is accept that your relationship as you currently know it is over. I donât doubt that she sincerely cares for you, but Iâm also not going to lie to you: in all likelihood, your romantic relationship is going to come to an end before summerâs over. One of you is going to pull the trigger before too much longer. Either you wonât be able to take the anticipation, or sheâll realize that continuing as you are now isnât fair to either of you and end things herself.
Thatâs going to hurt; thatâs only natural. Youâll mourn the relationshipâs loss, and youâll feel lower than a snakeâs ass in a wagon rut.
But hereâs the thing. You have an opportunity here for change and growth. You can get to know who your girlfriend is now, learn how to relate to the person sheâs become even as you miss the person she used to be. In letting go of the old relationship, you have the chance to form a new one. Will this save your romantic connection? I canât say, and frankly you shouldnât look at it as a last-ditch effort to fix things. What you should do is see this as a chance to make a new friend from an old one and in doing so, to find some opportunities for you to change and become a new person.
Just ask yourself which you would prefer: a summer spent running down the clock and agonizing over all the ways things are different? Or a couple of months getting to know somebody on new terms, without the sword of Damocles hanging over your head?
It wonât save the relationship⊠but it will mean a chance for a happier summer, no matter how things end.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Iâm a 22 year old gay dude, been out since I was 12, and I am going through a fresh break-up. I met this guy while he currently had a boyfriend he was unhappy with. And against my better judgement I started dating him before that all ended and resolved itself.
I felt like âThe Other Manâ so this led to me thinking âwell if he did it to him, he could do it to me.â This paired with the guyâs incredible immaturity level about lying, money and substance abuse. I left him a few weeks ago.
It was probably the first time I really stood up for myself and what I wanted, and I was very proud of myself.
Since the break up, I found myself feeling lonely and my anxiety issues rising back to the surface. So in a weak moment I confided in a few guys here and there how I missed my ex, and that is when it was brought to my attention he had been sexting other men throughout the relationship. I understand some people are open and are fine with these things. But he never asked me if this could be allowed, and when I confronted him for this he just blocked me entirely. I wasnât his boyfriend anymore, so he didnât have to answer to me.
Since all of this, I just canât shake this âmissing him, god I just want him backâ feeling. How can I reign in my mind, and keep it from going back to something I really really shouldnât?
Thanks so much,
Already Gone
You donât miss him, AG, you miss the familiar. And thatâs incredibly common.
One of the hardest things to deal with when we end a relationshipâno matter how much we needed to get the hell out of itâis adjusting to life as a single person again. When we date somebody, we get used to new patterns, new habits. Youâd been sharing your life with this guy to one extent or another. You had your little rituals with him, got used to anticipating his quirks and responding to them. You grew accustomed to how it felt when you were cuddled up on the couch or when you held each other in bed. You remember smelling him on your pillow and clothes and the warmth of his body and the things heâd say that would make you laugh.
And now heâs gone and that absence is making itself known. You know damn good and well that heâs an asshole and you did the right thing by finding your inner bad-ass and telling him to hit the streets. But now thereâs this vacuum where he used to be and just like cats, our emotions abhor a vacuum. So you have this part of you that wants him back, not because he was a good guy deep down and you can work through all of this if you gave him another chance, but because you havenât yet adjusted to life without him.
Your ex did you a favor by blocking you. Pulling the Nuclear Optionâcutting all ties with your exâis an important part of recovering from a break-up. Youâre too close to the way things were; you donât want him back quite as much as you want the familiar patterns and feelings and smells back. But that means bringing him back too and you already know heâs a scumbag. Cutting him out of your life and blocking every form of contact you have with him is part of how you give yourself the space and distance you need to recover, to get past those lingering sense-memories and get used to your life as it is now. It makes it that much harder to backslide; the more steps you put between you and a bad decision, the more likely you are to be able to resist it.
So that stepâs been taken care of for you. Your next step is simple: get busy. If you canât stop thinking about him, then you need to have other things to think about, whether itâs throwing yourself into work, pursuing your passions and interests, spending more time with your friends or hitting the gym and getting lost in your own body.
Spend time focusing on you, not him. Do things that are good for you and make you feel better, AG. A little self-care, time with friends and a busy mind are all part of the cure for getting over a shitty ex. The longing for the familiar will fade over time as you get more involved in your own life. Before you know it, you wonât be thinking about him as âthat guy I miss so damn muchâ so much as âoh right, that asshole,â and youâll be ready to find someone whoâs actually worth dating.
Good luck.
Did your relationship survive the transition to long-distance? Have you had to shake feelings for a very bad, no-good ex? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments and weâll be back in two weeks with more of your dating questions.
And remember: if someone asks if youâre a god, you say yes!
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new book When It Clicks: Mastering The Art of Online Dating is out new and available exclusively through Amazon. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
Illustration by Tara Jacoby
