Hello, all you Twitternet spooklets of sexcrime, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only advice column that helps you find real love in a virtual world.
This week, weâre solving the little glitches in the Matrix thatâre keeping your relationship from being the perfect, leather-clad version you wish it were. How do you fix things when youâre getting ghosted on the regular? What does it mean when the sex dies shortly after you move in together? And how do you move on with your life when youâre haunted by the dating mistakes you made in college?
Strap on your Quests and Vives, clear out the furniture and dive into a digital world of amore. Letâs do this.
Doctorâs Note: todayâs column includes discussion of suicide and a suicide attempt
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Iâve been reading your posts on Kotaku for a few years now. In that time Iâve dated, been in a long term relationship, had it go south and wind up back in the dating pool again. Since Iâve started dating again, Iâve encountered the same issue three times now, and Iâm very curious to find out why.
About a year ago, I moved to Portland, OR after my breakup and almost immediately met a someone on Bumble. We went out after a few days of texting, and it was great. We shared a lot of nerdy interests, including MST3K, improv comedy, video games, you name it. Second date, even better, and before going home we made out in her car for half an hour. Third date, still good, Iâm making her laugh, we are starting to share more intimate things about ourselves, but nothing too serious or red flaggy. We made out again and made plans to have a fourth date in a week. The day before we were supposed to meet, she sent me a text saying she doesnât want to date anymore, theoretically anyone. I figure, okay, fair enough, thatâs how it goes sometimes, wished her well, and moved on. Last I heard of her.
Now that alone isnât so unusual, things happen, she had kids, she was a nurse, life gets busy. No biggie. I liked her a lot but thems the breaks.
Cut to a few months later. New connection on OKCupid. Another nerdy connection, this time about poetry and tea. Go out on a date almost immediately, her idea. We go out for tea, and turns out we wore almost the same outfit. We bonded over books and then moved to a bar and had a few whiskeys. I walk her back to her car and she kisses me, which I responded well to and we neck for a while. Then, we both decide to make plans for another date. I tell her goodnight and walk back to my car. I never hear from her again and she doesnât respond to any texts.
âHuh?â I say. âThat kinda sucks. She seemed great, and I thought she liked me. But thems the breaks sometimes,â and while it stung to get ghosted (is it ghosting after only one date?) I moved on. Well, I took a break from dating, actually, but then I moved on.
Now, just three weeks ago, another OKCupid match. This time we text for about two weeks before deciding itâs worth it to break social distancing and meet (I know, I know, we already fucked up there). We meet at the park (which had a lot more people than I expected), we have a picnic 6 feet apart, drink some wine, feed some ducks, walk around town, she shows me her old college campus, the date ends up being 8 hours. Since we had such a long leadup, we both expressed it felt more like a second date, and about halfway through, we sneak out onto a little trail and engage in some heavy petting like teenages at makeout point in the 1950s.
Great! this date went really well!. We continue to text for a week after that, every day, all day. We share some hopes for the future, which are quite similar, we bond over some bad times from the past weâve both encountered. Iâm getting way into her. She asked to come over on Saturday, I got all the fixing for chicken parm and some wine, everything was going great!
The day before, she texts. Iâm really great but she isnât going to continue this romantically. I ask why? Silence. I havenât heard back in three day, and I think I expended my limit of good phone etiquette calling three times to no answer and about ten texts. So I give up. âThems the break sometimes.â But that isnât really something I am able to let go this time around. So now Iâm analyzing it in my head over and over.
Result: sudden loss of interest. Is it a pattern: Yes. Common denominator: Me. Emotional conclusion: something is wrong with me or something better than me came along. Logical conclusion: Iâm not good enough to stick with or to compete with another other options.
I invited my platonic friend Shannon over and had a friend date to make up for the cancelled one. She tells me that this is a them thing, not a me thing. A cultural thing, and generational thing (but these women were all within two years of me) and all the nice things friends tell you to make you feel better, but I donât, I feel like shit.
So, Iâm still gainfully employed, Iâm kind, Iâm creative, most people tell me Iâm one of the funniest people they have ever met. Iâm progressive, feminist, and try my best to behave in a kind manner all the time. Iâm educated. I have empathy. Iâm tall, Iâm a little dad-bodied, but I wear it well, Iâve been told Iâm handsome in a traditional sort of way, Iâm in good health. I do get social anxiety, but usually only in groups of three or more, it didnât really manifest to any of these folks. And I am a little worldweary, but Iâm 39, who isnât by my age.
And yet Iâve struck out three times in a row here with what seemed to be good matches that gave me every indication they were into me. The most recent had a total of three weeks we were in constant communication, all positive up until the moment she decided to leave earth because her home planet needed her or whatever reason or lack of reason she had.
But I donât know. Do you have any insight into this? I mean, other than itâs all their fault, because regardless of whose fault it is, it still just sucks for me sitting here disappointed once again.
-Not Good Enough to Keep
Iâm a big believer in doing some self-examination when youâre running into the same dating dilemmas over and over again, NGEK. Often if you keep having the same problem, then itâs likely thereâs an issue that youâre missing, some x-factor that you arenât quite aware of thatâs cropping up in ways you donât expect.
Like Iâm often saying: if you keep encountering the same glitch, start looking for the commonalities in all those instances. And yes, sometimes the onlyâor biggestâcommonality is you.
But that doesnât always mean that you are the problem, or that youâre coming away with the right conclusion.
Such is the case with you, chief. While yes, youâre one of the commonalities in all of these encounters, that doesnât automatically mean that youâre the author of this particular misery⊠at least, not directly.
Part of the problem is, honestly, one of omission. One of the things that us relationship coach dating advice columnists arenât supposed to say is that dating is a numbers game. Weâre supposed to tell you to do X, Y and Z things correctly and youâll be able to land any relationship you want with any woman you want. But in reality, thatâs not going to work⊠primarily because people stubbornly insist on being individuals and not computer programs.
The truth is that starting a relationship requires three things: 1) the right person, 2) who is in the right place, and 3) at the right time. If those three things donât line up, then itâs just not going to happen. You might meet someone whoâs in the right place in her life to date, at a time when sheâs ready, willing and actively looking⊠but you and she may simply not be compatible on some fundamental level. You might find someone who is so perfect for you that you may as well have created her from the ground up, but sheâs about to move across the country, just left a long-term relationship or is in the middle of some sort of familial or financial crisis. It sucks⊠but as a wise man once said: itâs possible to make no errors and still lose; thatâs not weakness, thatâs life.
One of the realities of dating is that youâre going to meet folks who arenât right for you or you wonât be right for them. That doesnât mean thereâs anything wrong with you, it just means that you two didnât sync up the way you need to for a relationship to work. And yeah, sometimes it takes a few dates to figure this out. Sometimes we go on a date with someone who we kinda like but arenât OH HOLY GOD excited about, so we give it a second or even third try just to be sure. Sometimes weâll start off thinking that this person is sex on toast and youâre ready to throw caution to the wind⊠only to discover thereâs something about them that youâre just not into. Maybe itâs the way they kiss or the way they taste. Maybe you have incompatible views on breakfast tacos. Who knows. Point is: itâs something that took a little time to realize and now that they (or you) are aware of it, itâs something that canât be overlooked.
Now, itâd be great if they would say âhey, I donât think this is going to work for me, best of luck to youâ instead of just pulling the fade or ghosting, but unfortunately, thatâs just part of dating. Always has been, itâs just that social media means we hear about it more now.
Similarly, itâd be nice if someone could say why they werenât feeling it. But honestly: they may not know. And even if they did⊠you probably donât want to know anyway. The least helpful thing you can do is take someone elseâs personal preference and assume that this is a flaw in you instead of just not being their favorite flavor.
And just to get this out of the way: dating isnât a competition. Nobodyâexcept for sociopaths, anywayâkeeps a spreadsheet tally of peopleâs points and decides who to date by whoâs got the highest score. Youâre not âcompetingâ with other guys; youâre competing against a night alone. Itâs not that sheâs trying to decide between you and Dirk Chestmeat, itâs does she like you, period, or would she prefer a night at home with the Battery Operated Boyfriend and Too Hot To Handle on Netflix?
Trust me: if someone clicks with you, has a great time with you and feels connected to you, theyâre not thinking âoh heâs not bad but I bet thereâs someone even betterâŠâ theyâre thinking âWow, this guyâs great!â
So what do you do about all of this? Well, to start with, you try to manage expectations; a handful of dates doesnât mean much in the grand scheme of things. Putting all of your emotional eggs in one basket after a date or two is a good way to end up getting needlessly hurt. Itâs also why keeping your options open, continuing to match with other people, going on dates with other people and not focusing on any one person early on is a smarter plan. It may sting when someone you like doesnât like you back, but having that abundance in your life helps you realize that theyâre just someone you didnât click with.
Even when those dates seem to go well, that doesnât guarantee that itâs entirely reciprocal. Hell, even making out or agreeing to another date right then doesnât guarantee anything; folks will often do both, with someone they donât intend to see again. Sometimes itâs a way of making sure things end smoothly and without drama. Sometimes theyâre cool with it for one date but donât want to take it any further, and saying so just leads to long, uncomfortableâand occasionally dangerousâconfrontations.
The next thing you do is focus on having great dates â dates thatâre fun, unique and engaging. Fun is, hands down, the most attractive quality in a man; the more that somebody enjoys their time with you, the more theyâre going to prioritize their relationship with you. Amazing conversation, making someone laugh, doing interesting and (physically) exciting things together all create that sense of âthis person makes me feel great, I want to spend more time with them and keep feeling like this.â
The third thing you need to do is not work so hard trying to get the next date or the one after that. One of the things that people rarely realize is that if someone is into you, trying to spend time with them is easy. Someone whoâs excited to be with you will try to see you; you wonât have to work at it (outside of external scheduling snafus, anyway). If trying to make plans or even get a hold of them is like pulling teeth⊠well, thatâs generally a sign that theyâre not feeling it.
Just as importantly, though: do the things that make your life worth living. Part of what makes someone a desirable partner is that they have a great life, one with passion and interests and things that satisfy the soul. The more that you love your own life, the more youâll find people whoâd be interested in being part of that life, especially when you do the things that you love that bring you in contact with other folks who also love those things, or love things that are related to it. Someone who has passion, ambition and direction also has certainty and confidence, incredibly important traits that others lack. Those all inform who you are as a person andâimportantlyâhelp bring you in contact with people who are compatible with you and your life.
Those are the folks whoâll be excited to see you and whoâll stick around.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
My girlfriend is one of my very best friends. Weâd known each other for about 5 years before we started dating. There had been very brief flings in the past, but she didnât feel right about being in a relationship. Sheâd had several bad relationships in the past with emotionally unstable partners and, for a long time, I was dealing with the emotional baggage of a failed marriage. Admittedly, I was needy, and she couldnât handle another partner who she needed to prop up. We still cared for each other and decided to stay friends, which we did quite successfully.
Iâve long dealt with anxiety and depression, but one day, I had an epiphany about self-care. I started to get my shit together. I began working out for my own health and well-being. I started to say âyesâ to things that made me anxious before. I have confidence that I found for myself. And thanks to my now GF, I got a job at her company that I love.
One night after hanging out with a group of friends, we opened up to each other. She told me that she has had feelings for me for a long time but didnât know if I felt the same. I admitted to her that Iâd never really stopped caring for her as more than a friend and we began seeing each other in earnest. Itâs the purest sense of love Iâve ever had with another person. We would talk all night long, have great sex, and couldnât get enough of each other.
We had about two months of this before the pandemic hit. Now we spend all of our time together in lockdown. We started having petty squabbles (I wouldnât consider them arguments) and when I told her I thought the dynamic of our relationship had changed and wanted to fix it, it hit her like a ton of bricks. She hadnât seen that there was a problem and now she was doubting the strength in us she formerly reveled in. Now things really have changed.
Iâve taken steps to earn that strength back by being vulnerable. By talking things out and really listening. By doing my best to have a positive attitude. But the intimacy in our love life has taken a sharp decline. The spontaneous nature of our sex life has come to a standstill, as has even making out. She still wants to hold my hand, or lean her head on my shoulder, but the nights of talking all night long have disappeared.
Before we were a couple, she would brag about her sexual escapades, showcased her collection of toys to me, and talked about the multi-partner experiences she had been involved with. But Iâve come to learn that she views herself as predominately asexual. She explained that sex with a partner becomes âA Whole Thingâ, whereas with one-time encounters, it was purely physical. This feels like a 180, not only from the things sheâs said in the past, but from how things were with us before I tried to discuss a perceived problem. Things have been this way for about the past eight weeks.
I find it very difficult to express myself in this situation. Itâs not just the sex that is the issue, but more a lack of intimacy. I want to feel desired. I want to feel sexy. She becomes defensive when I bring it up, to the point where Iâve stopped trying.
So herein lies the issue. Iâm aware that this is a stressful time for everyone. Iâm aware that sheâs had issues in the past with sex and trust. Iâm aware that relationships ebb and flow. But I do not know how to talk to her about the way I feel. It seems like an issue sheâs not interested in fixing and Iâm unsure if Iâm being paranoid, insecure, and over-analyzing.
I love her. I know she loves me. I still want us to have a future together. But I donât know how to shake this feeling that perhaps sheâll never see me in the way she used to, and I donât know how to deal with it. Help!
In-Love-But-Bummed
Itâs true that sex and passion tends to fade over the course of the relationship, just by virtue of all of us being mammals. But fading to almost nothing within two months? That often means something happened. Sometimes itâs a case of âhey, we had a great physical connection, but not one that was enough to last more than the short term.â Other times, thereâs been an external changeâsomething outside of the relationship that cratered that personâs libido. That could be stress, a new medication or a crisis of some sort.
Fortunately, this oneâs easy, ILBB. You say this has been an issue for the last eight weeks. What happened, oh, say, about eight or nine weeks ago that wasnât in effect beforehand?
COVID-19. The lockdown. A global pandemic thatâs infected more than a million Americans and killed nearly 100,000 people in the US alone. Even if youâre someone whoâs in a fairly secure place in lifeâyou still have a job, youâre financially secure, youâre not in danger of being evicted or being unable to pay your rent or mortgageâyouâre still dealing with an unprecedented level of stress and concern. The spectre of a disease with no vaccine and no cure that spreads like wildfire and the effect itâs had on literally everything in our lives looms over everything we do like Banquoâs ghost.
Thatâs the sort of thing that fucks with people, often in ways they never expect. People are having a hard time sleeping or working or even just thinking. Productivity is down because oh, hey, weâre in a time of unprecedented crisis. All of our emotions are louder and harder to deal with because we all have such reduced bandwidth right now. And for a lot of folks, the pandemic and the lockdown is absolutely cratering their libidos.
I strongly suspect that this is the case with your girlfriend. She feels profoundly unsexy and unsexual because⊠well, **gestures at everything**. The problem is that itâs hard to really explain that in a way that doesnât seem shallow. Itâs a little hard to say âHey, the current state of everything is fucking with my head in a profound wayâ without sounding like you ALSO think that you canât really get hornt up because the stars arenât right. And, in fairness: she may not know why, specifically, she feels like this, just that she does. And when you bring it up, you end up making her feel like sheâs failing at being a girlfriend right now, which is only going to make her feel defensive and upset and even LESS like fucking.
Now, let me be clear: your feeling rejected is understandable. Wanting to feel desired by your partner is valid, as is being disappointed that things seem to have changed. So is the frustration of feeling like âwe had this amazing physical connection, now itâs gone and I donât know why.â
The thing youâre running into here is the conflict between the understandable and valid desire for physical intimacy with the whammy that this crisis is putting on⊠well, pretty much everyone. And unfortunately, there isnât much to be done in this case besides gritting your teeth and realizing that this isnât about you, itâs about what stress, anxiety and, yâknow, everything, is doing to people.
But the fact that she isnât feeling sexual doesnât mean that she doesnât want to be intimate with you.
Notice how she still wants to cuddle and be held? Thatâs because she, like you, still craves intimacy and contact. And you should be giving that to one another. But the more you push her for sex or about why she doesnât want to have it, the more sheâs going to shut down.
So what you need to do is simple: you need to tell her that you understand. Tell her âHey, weâre in a weird place right now and the worldâs in chaos and weâre all stressed and I donât want to add to that. So for now, letâs cuddle, letâs hold each other and when youâre feeling like more, you let me know. Until then, itâs all good.â
On your end of things: you need to realize that this isnât about you, itâs about her reaction to a unique situation. She wants to be intimate, but she canât do so in the ways that you want right now, and thatâs going to be more important in the long run. For now, be the point of human connection that she needs. Hug, cuddle and just be. Knowing that youâre her rock that she can cling to at this time will mean everything. Meanwhile, get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga and some lube to keep yourself satisfied. It wonât be the same, but itâll do the job while we all grit our teeth and white-knuckle our way through the crisis.
Because this WILL pass and we (and she and you) WILL feel normal again. Giving her space to feel the fuck out of her feels without feeling like sheâs doing something wrong will do far more to get her to a place where she feels like having sex again than any amount of trying to analyze things and trying to get there before sheâs got the emotional space for it.
Good luck.
Dr. NerdLove,
Got a doozy for you. I am a severe fuck up. And now I need to know, what is the path forward? What does the future hold?
So some context. Iâm 36. Way back when I was 16 my military family moved (again) and this time to the Midwest. In the new Midwest town I moved to I ended up meeting a girl who became my world. First everything. While we dated we finished the last two years of high school (3/4th of which at schools an hour apart but we had new drivers licenses) and then going into college. She went to a college an hour away from mine. She always knew the school and major she wanted even at 16. I just wanted to be near her. I was 16, had a car, making 3.0 gpa, and a girlfriend⊠so as far as I was concerned my life was pretty much set. Again, fuck up. I didnât know what I wanted to do with my life. But my college had a program in biology, in computers, and in art and all were a possibility. Being an hour away was a definite plus to my happy little world.
Well college opens you up to a lot of new people. And while I was content in my pretty monolithic social circle, she wasnât. Her social group at her college an hour away changed. That social group didnât like me. And it wasnât long before that social group was getting conversations I wasnât, and was getting more influence than I was. Obviously a split happened.
When the split happened, it totally hit me out of left field though all of her friends at the time said it shouldnât have. When the split happened my little world crashed and suddenly I was very alone in a place I had no idea what I was doing in. No future outlook. It didnât help that at that time several other stressors crashed down. Tried to mediate a giant SNAFU between an artist and his model, suddenly failing a class which was not acceptable, and now this.
A month after the split I was having panic attacks, not eating, not sleeping, and grasping at straws frantically trying to get some sense of normalcy. I ended up during that month continuously reaching out to one of those new friends whom I hated dearly but felt I had to in order to regain some normalcy. The guy increasingly told me to stay away, put things âon the back burnerâ, ânothing is happeningâ, âjust let it beâ, âyouâll get past thisâ. He and some of the other new friends were also increasingly telling me this was my fault, that I was somehow a monster, or abusive, and that I just wasnât listening. All horrifying concepts.
At the end of the month she decided to let me know she and this dude had been dating a month and just werenât letting me know. There wasnât overlap, but basically within days of the breakup they were a thing. Between this, and all the monster talk and talk of it all being my fault, for the first time in a month I had a moment of pure calm and clarity. Something that actually felt like it made sense. If it was my fault, if I was somehow a monster, and if I cared at all for her, then I needed to ensure she never feared that monster again. So in true fuck up fashion I went out to the middle of nowhere and downed bleach. Again, Iâm a fuck up. While this was a colossally stupid choice of over compensation and inappropriate action, at the time I felt like I was stepping up. I was 20, inexperienced, and I thought I was making the biggest choice of my life and doing something bigger than myself to âsaveâ someone I cared about if even from myself. Again, at 36 it was massively stupid and overly correcting. At 20 things looked very different.
Obviously I fucked up at fucking up as Iâm still breathing today. That action makes you puke a lot of blood but doesnât kill you right away, if at all. What it does do is completely change your life. I lost all my friends. She and her new friends immediately stopped talking to me. Saying I was an attention seeking, manipulative monster. I was kicked out of college, hospitalized, forced on medications, and basically isolated. No matter how bad life is, I learned it can always get worse.
It took weeks to get home. It took another year to get back into that college. A year that involved a lot of swallowing my pride, making deals with doctors and deans, and just doing what I was fucking told. Once back in school I did graduate with my degree, my class, and right at the end finally off medication. But I spent the last two years of college alone. Pretty much hated life and most people didnât want to be around me. On top of that the new bf had changed to my school. And he hated me. I ended up on disciplinary probation when I went to visit an old roommate that lived next door to him and he had a webcam tapped to the peep hole of his door out to the hallway, proceeded to complain I was near his door.
Since then time speeds up and sort of splits. On her end she ends up graduating, getting the dream job in another state, new bf comes shortly after, they break up, she ends up meeting a guy on WoW whom she moves from a southern state, then marries, and 2 years later divorces. End up moving back to her home state, getting a job, and going back to her roots of art and cars. A successful woman should fill anyone with pride. Though she is alone as far as I know.
I graduated, ended up moving to a western state on my last Target paycheck (so next to nothing). Driven by my degree and by the fact that everyone back in the Midwest seemed to hate me and was telling me I needed to get as far from her as possible the chance to move west seemed like the ethical choice. While out west I did several jobs. Some more profitable or interesting than others. I survived. I even ended up dating briefly but it didnât work out. I never could form that same human connection with another I once had. By 26 I wonât date again. Tried the shrink and medication thing, none of it ever made me feel better and talking usually results in someone telling me Iâm a horrible person for some reason.
Now Iâm 36. Iâm even further out west. I have a salary based career, responsibility, more financial stability than I have ever seen. And itâs even marginally based on my degree. Never been arrested, never done drugs, been good about leaving everyone alone and just letting them live their lives. I donât date, I donât have friends. I work, home, sleep, repeat. On days off, assume more sleep. Between everything falling apart at 20 to today Iâve spent the vast majority of my adult life alone. I have survived, but I canât say I have enjoyed it or done it with much purpose or planning. I am doing everything I think society wants me to do. If it helps to put a mental image in mind, all this COVID isolation has been my reality for most of my life.
But as far as I know the one thing that has ever made me feel happy, or even whole for that matter, is currently sitting somewhere in that Midwestern state either hating my guts or otherwise blissfully unaware of my existence.
So what is the way forward? What does the future hold? Because I donât see life changing. I feel stuck. I know what I think is simple truth Iâve known half my life. But I also donât see a path to make it happen. What you see on TV and reality are very different and frankly reality is far less poetic. Happily ever after doesnât, canât, shouldnât happen. So how do I endure isolation another 40 years?
Sincerely,
Slowly going mad
Hoo boy.
So, SGM, do you see the thing I said earlier to Not Good Enough to Keep about drawing the wrong conclusions about everything? Thatâs a lot of what youâre doing here. One of the mistakes people make is that we all assume weâre impassionate and perfectly objective observers of our own lives, but weâre not. We all have biases and beliefs that color our perceptions and make it easy to tell ourselves stories that arenât true. And then confirmation bias kicks in and you only pay attention to the things that you feel confirm what you already believe and ignore the things that debunk it.
Youâve built yourself a narrative about how youâre a monster and a fuck-up when what you are is a guy whoâs in a lot of pain and who hasnât been dealing with it well. Youâre in a self-destructive loop where youâve decided that youâre awful and horrible and nothing you do will ever be right or good enough, and thatâs not true.
The biggest issue is that youâve taken teenage and college drama and internalized it to the point of being Greek tragedy.
Let me walk you through what almost certainly actually happened: you and your girlfriend grew apart, like most couples do after high school. The vast majority of high school relationships end shortly after graduation. Of the ones that donât, the majority of those end within the first year of college. This is simply because youâre both in different placesâemotionally and developmentally, often physically tooâand youâre growing in different directions. You have different social groups, different experiences and different lives. Youâre trying new things, meeting new people and discovering who you are⊠and that often means that the relationship that worked for you while you were in high school no longer works for who you are now.
You and your girlfriend were only an hourâs distance but worlds apart, so itâs not surprising that you were starting to grow apart. Not because you did anything wrong, but because thatâs how life goes. You may not have fit in with her new group of friends. Thatâs not your fault. She grew closer with them because, hey, thatâs who she spends her time with. Also not your fault. Itâs not that they influenced her or gaslit her into hating you, itâs just that you and she were becoming different people, people who were no longer compatible.
Now the split hit you hard, thatâs understandable. Break-ups pretty much always suck. The problem that you had is that you based your entire world around being half of that couple and apparently didnât have much of a life outside of it. So now the keystone of your life is gone and youâre flailing. Itâs unfortunate, but not surprising. It also doesnât mean youâre a fuck-up or that you destroyed any chance at normalcy. You were just suddenly dealing with a situation you werenât ready for.
Now, your exâs friends likely didnât know any of this and, to be blunt, it wasnât their responsibility to know. To them, you likely came across as someone who couldnât accept that things were over and was trying to manipulate your ex into coming back. They didnât know that you were in freefall. It was also almost certainly abundantly clear that you hated them⊠and yet you were constantly trying to get a hold of them and your ex. So they likely responded to that; people will usually react to the emotions that people send at them, after all. If someone who clearly hates you is constantly making demands of your time, youâre likely to respond negatively.
Now I donât know if they were telling you that you were a monster and abuser or if thatâs your post-hoc interpretation of things, colored by the way that you felt then and clearly feel now. But regardless: the better thing to do wouldâve been to avail yourself of the mental health care your university had on offer. You didnât. Not judging, just observing.
To an outside observerâespecially someone who already had a negative opinion about youâyour suicide attempt could well have looked like an attempt to stir up drama and get your ex back. They didnât know you were in severe pain and still are. So they continued to see things in the worst possible light⊠just as you do.
And from there⊠well, as you say, things split. You went your way, your ex went hers. And honestly? I can all but guarantee you that you think about her more than she thinks about you. Not because sheâs living in blissful ignorance and couldnât care less about you, but because youâre still living in that time period and sheâs moved on. Youâre a tree thatâs grown around this thing thatâs been causing you pain and youâve made it part of your identity. Small wonder that therapy hasnât been working for you. I strongly suspect that you arenât able to give an accurate account of what happened, nor do I think youâre actually listening to when your therapists tell you that maybe youâre wrong about things. Youâre clinging to this self-loathing because you believe that you deserve it and donât want to let go because you havenât done enough penance for your imagined sins.
And the things you describe about your life now? Well⊠speaking from deep and personal experience, youâre dealing with chronic depression, man, which only makes things worse. Youâve already got this bone-deep belief that youâre a fuck-up who doesnât deserve good things and youâve got this voice whispering in your ear about how youâll never be good enough and how itâs all your fault and everything is pointless. And itâs whispering in your voice, which makes it easier to believe and harder to ignore.
But depression is a liar. It repeats the worst things because you already believe them. It saps away your desire and your motivation because thereâs no point. And it leaves you rooted in the past because thatâs where all your mistakes lie. You still feel them, still live with this, because you wonât let them go; itâs 2020 and youâre still living in 2004.
The first thing you need to do is hie thyself back to a therapist, and likely a psychiatrist as well. Getting on something like Zoloft or Wellbutrin can help ease depression symptoms enough that therapy can actually help. And it may take you a few tries, both to find a dosage and medication that works but also a therapist you can work with. Therapy is a lot like dating; you and your therapist need to be compatible and to have the right kind of chemistry if you want to make things work. If you feel like your therapist is wrong for you or isnât listening, you can break up with them and go to a different one. If the medication isnât working after a few months, or has side-effects that you simply canât or wonât tolerate, you can demand to be on something else.
But the nextâand possibly most importantâthing that you need to do is that you need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive yourself for loving not too wisely but too well. You need to forgive yourself for being a teenager, with all the emotional volatility that comes with it. You need to forgive yourself for panicking at a time when you found yourself lost and adrift. You need to forgive yourself for making mistakes, like everyone does.
And more than anything else, you need to forgive yourself for the hurt you caused. Not to your ex or her friends or your classmates⊠but to yourself. Itâs hard to let go of pain, especially pain that you cause to yourself. If you do, then what was it all for? If you donât deserve that punishment, then does that mean that you were holding yourself back, cutting yourself to the soul for no reason? Did you spend all that time, lose all those hours and days, for nothing?
Yes, you did. Which is why you need to forgive yourself. You didnât know what you were doing or why, but you were still doing it. And now itâs time to accept that, stop it, and begin the process of healing.
You lost time to this pain, time you wonât get back. But continuing to hurt yourself isnât the answer. The answer is to finally put this burden down, forgive yourself, let the wounds heal and move forward. You have spent too long in the dark and now itâs time to turn on the light. You lost time to your pain⊠but you have your entire life ahead of you to live.
And the best way you can heal your past is to learn from it and let it go. Itâs time to start living in your present and building a better future. Youâre not a fuck-up, youâre just a man whoâs been holding on to too much main for far too long, and itâs time to let that pain go.
Youâll be OK. I promise. Youâve got the strength to be kind to yourself and the courage to heal yourself. Life will get better once you let this go.
All will be well.
Did your college relationship fall apart? Has your sex life changed under lockdown? Share your story in the comments below and weâll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. NerdLove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
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