Hello, all you spectral orgasm otters of the intertwebs. Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the dating column that can teach you how to overclock your love life.
This week, weâre going to be reaching inside of ourselves. Sometimes we already know the answer but we need to hear someone else say it. Other times, itâs a matter of overcoming our own self-limiting beliefs. Letâs get down to it, boppersâŠ
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I would like your perspective on some issues that Iâm having with sex, if you wouldnât mind.
To provide some context, Iâm in my mid-to-late-twenties, Iâm queer, and Iâm a virgin. Honestly, the virgin part makes perfect sense to me considering my history – spending the better part of your life in the closet AND being so busy with my education tends to put a damper on oneâs dating life. As I approach my thirties and become more interested in dating, Iâm finding that there is one glaring issue that is holding me back and having a significant impact on my dating life and my sexuality:
I donât feel âsexyâ. I donât feel attractive. I donât feel – pardon my language – fuck-able.
This doesnât just apply to interpersonal relationships, but to my relationship with myself. I do masturbate. A lot. But that doesnât really mean much. I donât put any effort into it, just the classic quick-and-easy aided by erotic material. No exploration. No letting any other body parts in on the fun. No doing it for the sake of enjoying it. No slowing things down and taking my time. No variety. No toys. No seeing just how hard I can get off. I would be hard-pressed to call it self-love by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, itâs usually not particularly satisfying when I think about it.
I can definitely see why I avoid dating, although other things do play a part. I donât feel like other people would want me. I donât feel sexy enough to feel like Iâm worth any effort when it comes to sex with myself, so how could I possibly see myself as somebody that other people would want to sleep with?
What are your thoughts on my situation? Do you have any advice or opinions to give?
Regards,
Meh-sturbation
Your question is actually shockingly common, Meh-sturbation. This is something I hear a lot from guys: that somebody feels like thereâs no reason somebody else would find them attractive, so they donât bother putting themselves out there.
While I know this goes against the Dating Advice Guildâs handbook, Iâm going to let you in on a little secret: theyâre right. Folks arenât going to find them attractive, so there really isnât a point to putting themselves out there.
Now somebody call Sir Mix-A-Lot, because you know thereâs a huge butt comingâŠ
BUT.
Thatâs because itâs a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your attitude is going to control a lot of your dating success. One of the mistakes people make is that we believe that we perceive the world exactly as it is. This isnât true in the slightest; our brains filter our perceptions based on what we expect. Even something as simple as changing a lip movement can completely alter what we hear – Google âThe McGurk Effectâ to see this in action.
When youâre convinced youâre unfuckable and that other people couldnât possibly be into you⊠well, thatâs where youâre right. However, itâs not because youâre the second coming of the Elephant Man, itâs because of the way your attitude affects every other part of your life.
Letâs start with the purely superficial level: your looks. An attitude of âItâs ok, I wouldnât fuck me eitherâ is going to color everything you do. Your body language will reflect that attitude – youâll slump over and fold in on yourself. Youâll turn away from people you might be interested in, for fear of catching their eye and seeing the âewwwâ in their expression. Itâll affect how you dress and your presentation. Why bother putting in any real effort, after all? Your hairâs ugly, so why bother spending the money to get it styled? What point is there in any skin care beyond the bare minimum, because whoâs going to even want to look at your face?
Of course, that doesnât mean that people wonât find you attractive, unstyled hair, uninspired clothes and all. But you wonât see them. First of all: youâll never actually believe they could be into you. No matter what signals they give, youâll always find a reason to disbelieve them. They couldnât be looking at you, theyâre looking at someone behind you. Theyâre not looking because they like you, theyâre looking because they canât believe that you bothered to go outside. They donât like you, they just want something from you.
Second of all: youâll be rejecting them before they even have a chance. All that body language I mentioned earlier is going to scream âDonât talk to me!â and âI donât like you!â Itâs going to take a very determined person to push past all those silent âgo awayâ signs⊠and you donât want to date those people, to be honest.
So⊠having given you all this downer talk, letâs talk a little about how you can change all of this. As the hot dog vendor said to the Buddhist monk who gave him a $50: change comes from within.
When it comes to being fuckable, you have to feel fuckable. Of course, this can seem like a chicken-and-egg problem: how can you feel fuckable when youâre a virgin? By definition, that would seem to mean that youâre unfuckable, right?
No⊠because basing your fuckability on other people is a mistake. You have to be the one who feels dead sexy. So you need to start changing how you see yourself.
And the first step is simple: youâre going to take better care of yourself. You need to treat yourself like you give a damn. So weâll start with your outward expression of your inner self: your clothes and your style.The way you dress directly affects the way you behave and what you believe about yourself. Itâs a trait known as âenclothed cognitionâ. If you dress like a scientist with a white lab coat, youâre going to behave and act smarter. Wear the same lab coat and call it an artistâs smock instead and those behavioral changes disappear. So you need to dress in ways that make you feel sexy as hell. Start with finding your archetypeâyour sexy stereotype, the personal shorthand that most resonates with who you are. Use this as your base. This is the person you want to embody, so dress in the ways that bring you closer to them.
Then make sure youâre dressing the right way, with clothes that actually fit Most people donât wear clothes that fit properly, and it leaves them looking sloppy and un-put-together. Fit is king, no matter your size.
While youâre at it: become a more sensual, sexual person with yourself. Youâve said it yourself: your masturbatory habits are basically âwham-bam-thank-you-glansâ. This isnât bad per se, but it does reflect your treating it as something perfunctory instead of a part of your sexuality. Spend some time getting to know your junk and your sexuality. Change up your masturbatory habits and explore yourself. Change up your technique; if youâre a straight-up-and-down jerker, try using a corkscrew motion instead. If you spend most of your time on the shaft, try putting more emphasis on the glans instead, or vice versa. Go faster. Go slower. Stop and start; see how long you can keep yourself on the edge of orgasm without going over. Play with your balls too. Play with your prostate (carefully). Switch hands. Use more lube, then less lube, then different kinds of lube. Get a Fleshlight or a Tenga Fliphole and practice with those. Incorporate your sexuality into your being. Youâre not just a person, youâre also a piece of meat, damn it!
And as youâre doing all of this: look yourself in the mirror and see yourself as sexy and fuckable. Tell yourself how hot you look. Yeah, it feels crazy and woo-woo and might feel a little Silence of the Lambs (and you can expect at least one Buffalo Bill gif in the comments Iâm sureâŠ) but it really does make a difference. Doesnât matter if youâre fat, heroin thin or built like a Greek god – believing you are hot as fuck will carry over into your every day life and people will respond to it.
But before they can see it, you have to see it. So let yourself be fuckable. You may have to fake it at first⊠thatâs fine. Faking it âtil you make it is how you start to build up the habitsthat let you develop into your fine, fuckable future self.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Iâm currently 30, recently went back to grad school to get a masterâs degree, and now have an awesome job Iâm thrilled to have. While in grad school I played tennis with the tennis club (past being a big nerd, tennis is a life passion). I met a woman there who is now a grad student in the same field as me (sheâs now 22 if the age difference matters here), which made it initially easy to talk to her. We both like tennis, took similar classes in school, etc. After I graduated weâve continued to play tennis regularly, which has been going on for just over a year now. She was in a relationship for most of that time, so I never thought of her much past a tennis buddy (even though I found her attractive from the start). When she broke up a few months ago, I realized I did have stronger feelings there.
We donât chat much outside of tennis (a few texts here and there), but our post-tennis chats have grown much longer recently, and weâve shared a lot about each other. Eventually I decided I just had to know, and worked up the courage to ask her out (which was not easy). She gave me a soft but seemingly firm ânoâ saying that she was not ready for another relationship yet. (For what itâs worth, Iâve also learned that her previous relationship was more troubled than it initially appeared, and that sheâs also having somewhat of a hard time in grad school.) Regardless of her reason, I took a ânoâ for a ânoâ, and in my mind we would just continue being âtennis buddiesâ and I would otherwise move on and leave some space there.
Fast forward a little bit, and we were playing tennis again one night this week, starting
at 7pm. We probably play for just under 2 hours (normal), and then sit down to chat for a bit. Neither of us ever look at the time, and before we know it itâs
11:30pm and weâre still sitting on the tennis court all by ourselves. I feel like we get along super well, we laugh and joke easily, and also talk about âseriousâ stuff as much as I do with anyone. And that was easily our âbestâ conversation/hanging out yet. As weâre leaving she says she wants to clarify that when she told me ânoâ to a date she didnât mean to imply we couldnât hang out in addition to playing tennis.
Itâs clear that she likes me a lotâshe wouldnât still be playing tennis with me, talking for hours on end, or indicate an interest in hanging out more if she didnât like me. And she initiates these things as much (or maybe more) than I do. But in what way does she like me? Seeing as I already asked her out, my assumption is that she doesnât see me as romantic material, but values my friendship. And we get along well enough that sheâs simply comfortable spending that kind of time and talking about anything. The other caveat here is that weâve never been around each other for any reason but tennis. So part of me wonders if maybe she just doesnât know if sheâs interested yet, until we hang out otherwise.
Iâm probably rambling at this point on what I bet is a common problem. The bottom line is I feel like Iâm getting mixed signals, or maybe Iâm not not reading the right signals. Is my âfriendzoneâ assumption correct, or could there be more there? Iâm admittedly not super experienced here, but I do like her a lot and any help is appreciated!!
Best,
Mixed Doubles
Dude. There are no mixed signals here. There is no Friend Zone (because the Friend Zone doesnât exist) going on here. Sheâs been incredibly straight-forward with you; you just donât want to hear what sheâs saying.
So Iâm going to say it for her: Sheâs not interested in you romantically or sexually.
Now, that doesnât mean she doesnât like you She clearly thinks youâre a cool guy and enjoys spending time with you and very clearly would like to be friends if youâd allow it. She just doesnât want to date or fuck you.
What do you do here? Well⊠either you give being friends a shot, or you just stay tennis buddies. Those are pretty much your choices⊠but only if you accept her as a friend, not as a girlfriend-in-waiting. Being her friend in hopes that sheâs going to change her mind and want to date you is a supremely shitty thing to do to somebody. Going into a friendship under the assumption that you can collect enough Nice Guy coupons to upgrade to Fucking makes you an asshole.
Friendship isnât the boobie-prize of dating; itâs not some secondary, lesser state that unworthy guys get relegated to. Friendship isnât what sheâs offering to keep you dancing in attendance on her. Sheâs offering you friendship because she wants you to be her friend
So if you can be her friendâher real friend, not the guy hoping that she doesnât know sheâs interested yetâthen give it a shot. Otherwise: keep it on the tennis courts or, if you canât hack it, call it quits.
Either way: go date other people. The best way to get past a crush on her is to find the women who are interested in you.
Hey Doc,
Last week I made an impromptu visit to a GameStop, and this cute employee was helping me out. She seemed a little nervous, (I saw her breaking eye contact a few times too) which I thought was just retail social anxiety or something.
And right after I bought my item she introduced herself with a, âBy the way my name is (name).â Iâm in the âfake-it-till-you-make-itâ stage when it comes to my self-confidence, and I was not in âfake-itâ mode. All the air left my lungs and my mind went numb, and I barely breathed out a whispered âokayâ and walked out the door. Which was rude and stupid.
Iâve been back to the store a few times and havenât seen her there. I really would like to talk to her and ask her on a date, but after her not being there. I was deciding to give up on the way home, but I had one last idea, that being to attempt one more visit and if she wasnât there, leave a note with my phone number. I think that would be somewhere within a combo douchebag/creeper zone of something not to do, which I why Iâm writing you now.
Should I let it go, or not?
Game Store Romance
Iâve covered why itâs a bad idea to hit on people at work before, but itâs worth repeating: women tend to get hit on all the damn time at their jobs. This puts them in an awkward place because theyâre rarely in a position to be bluntâcustomer service, after all, means treating everyone with a smile and professional politeness.
Now, straight talk: thereâs nothing in your message that makes me believe she was being more than Professionally Nice. You donât talk about the long and engaging conversations you were having, the implications that sheâd like to see you outside of work⊠nothing. So, as much as I hate to be the one to stomp big muddy holes in your dreams, you have to accept that you may be making a mountain out of a molehill.
So, no: leaving a note with your numberâs not a good idea. Even under the best of circumstances, itâs a cheesy and frankly kind of passive-aggressive move that most people arenât going to care for.
(Also: for the love of all things holy, for all those reading along: do not try to track down the Facebook account of your crush.)
If you want to ask her out on a date, then you need to do it person⊠assuming she gives you actual âIâm Interestedâ signs. If she makes a point to come talk to you, talks about her life outside of the store unprompted, etc., then you have a shot and can say âHey, Iâd love to continue this conversation later. Would you like to get coffee/ a drink next week?â
Otherwise, if you donât see her again, donât sweat it. It just wasnât meant to be.
Good luck.
What do you do to make yourself feel sexy? Did you make the transition from âcrushâ to âfriendsâ? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, and weâll be back in two weeks with more of your dating questions.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
