Adding Dick Sizes To Historical Strategy Game Introduces Some Complications

Illustration for article titled Adding Dick Sizes To Historical Strategy Game Introduces Some Complications

Crusader Kings 2 is a complicated game about conquering Europe through diplomacy and war. It’s a game where characters not liking you can make it hard to expand, or at worst, start a murder plot. One modder added another wrinkle to this already overstuffed simulation: dick sizes.

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Sex is already a component of Crusader Kings 2, but its representation in-game is chaste. You can take lovers, and part of the goal is to have sex with your spouse and produce an heir, but it’s represented in a clinical way. Players have made an effort to make the sex more sexy in Crusader Kings 2, and Dark World Reborn is the most robust of the available mods. Adding a plethora of sexy fantasy elements like vampires and succubi, playing the game with this mod feels like you’ve added a surreal expansion pack to the game. Ever wanted to have sex with Belle from Beauty and the Beast? Well, you can now. I did it, and it was kind of weird!

Sex scenes like the one with Belle are unlocked at the end of event chains in Dark World Rebord.
Sex scenes like the one with Belle are unlocked at the end of event chains in Dark World Rebord.
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The first and most visible change to the game that you’ll see after you install Dark World Reborn is that every character has a new modifier relating to either their dick size.

Illustration for article titled Adding Dick Sizes To Historical Strategy Game Introduces Some Complications

The way it works is that characters with different dick sizes will have a relationship modifier correlated to that. If your dick is bigger or smaller than another characters’, you’ll have a mutual dislike of each other. If you have the same dick size, then everything is copacetic. This also means that everyone in this universe is always mutually aware of how big other characters’ dicks are, which seems nightmarish. Is that something they offer up during introductions, or are you just born with an innate sense of how big someone’s dick is?

Illustration for article titled Adding Dick Sizes To Historical Strategy Game Introduces Some Complications
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Your relationship to other characters is important Crusader Kings 2. You basically want to stay on everyone’s good side to prevent people from trying to backstab you, and also to make it easier to backstab other people. When I was trying to nominate a candidate for bishop and was having trouble, I suddenly realized that my relationship with the Pope was kind of poor. Guess why.

Illustration for article titled Adding Dick Sizes To Historical Strategy Game Introduces Some Complications
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I was jealous of the Pope’s huge dick. Note that you can’t do anything to remove that modifier unless you change your dick size, which is actually possible when you meet an alchemist. I hadn’t done that yet, so in the meantime I had to find other ways to make the Pope like me. What was helpful is that every time I had sex, I’d get a +5 to every relationship because of my “Good Sex High.” Again, how do people know this? Can they smell it on me?

Illustration for article titled Adding Dick Sizes To Historical Strategy Game Introduces Some Complications
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Eventually all this would become moot as a rebellious faction started to rise up to overthrow me, and my relationship with the Pope never improved. Playing with Dark World Reborn is still the same old scheming and backstabbing-centric Crusader Kings 2, but just a tinge more bizarre. I’ve never felt more paranoid about the size of other people’s dicks in my life. Still, while Crusader Kings 2 is a fun, weird as hell game, there are times when it can get repetitive. Nothing has spiced up my gameplay more than clicking around, wondering if other character are jealous of my dick size.

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DISCUSSION

I, too, am curious as to how the dick size modifier is supposed to apply to persons who’ve had no reason to see a character’s dick.

I was on the swim team in high school, and I’ve been through BCT; both of those pursuits involved showering in situations where there were other dudes about, and occasionally catching sight of another guy’s dick was a more or less foregone conclusion.

Outside of that, though (and porn, I’ll admit), I’ve never seen another dude’s dick, nor have I felt any need to. My dick is the only one I’ve ever been concerned with, and as long as my partners (and now my wife, who will hopefully be the last partner I’ll ever have) liked it, I could’ve cared less what some other dude was packing.

...so how the hell are the other characters supposed to be aware of whether or not I’m packing a fuller codpiece than they are? Perhaps the jealousy/superiority mechanic is down to assumptions being made by other characters about the size of my character’s block and tackle?

Like, I get the desire to mod games—and I don’t even look down on sex mods (I don’t feel the need to use them myself, but had they been around/available when I was a younger man, I might’ve)—but this is just odd.